mindfulness, the new happiness

My dog is the one thing in my life besides my mum that constantly makes me happy. Shes beautiful, crazy and a little shaggy but i love her spontaneity and excitement. She always puts a smile on my face. This video is when i just taught her to follow food to dance. It was taken a few months ago now and she has advanced further to a cleaner turn but shes so gorgeous.

 Im really missing my best friend and i'm finding it very difficult to cope. I try and find things to do to distract myself but the truth is it doesn't make it any better. I have another headache, and this one didn't come until about ten minutes ago and im completely frustrated. I thought i managed a day without one. Nope, i was wrong. Time to watch Futurama soon and curl up into my nice warm bed with Henry (my giant plush elephant).

You know, each day goes by and people at work generally think i'm okay. They see you and say 'hey, how you going?' im on auto pilot: 'good thanks and you?' - when really, i just want to break down. I try really hard to not show my emotions to everyone, a few friends see them but they understand what i'm going through and do all they can to help. Ive never been a fake or pretentious person therefore i struggle if i'm trying to walk around with a big smile on my face striking conversations with people. Lately, i only want to talk to a few... Tomorrow is a public holiday (yay). Pay day can't come soon enough. I left my swimmers on the floor in the cove.. ew, will have to get there early and wash them. And.. I Guess im going dancing tomorrow night instead of billys beach house metal night, which i was going to attend anyway with my brother, oh well. Boys night hey? Nice..

follow your heart

Its times like these when you realise what you want and what you need in your life. When it boils down to it, you can always control the way you act and react to situations. We always have time on our sides, its never fading. Every second and every moment you have to make it last.

Pain comes in stages and if we don't make it, nothing changes. So, i haven't rang the doctors to make my 20min appointment or gone for my blood test. I know its for my own good so I better do it tomorrow morning otherwise i will keep getting hassled. I am missing my best friend, its hard to adjust to these circumstances and not having him around has sent me crazy. I'm a mental, head case - don't take that literally. Work will be interesting tomorrow, hopefully its not raining because the water is too damn cold!! And hopefully we have an update on our computer - of course ill only find out tomorrow, who would text and tell me? Least there's a few people at work who will definitely make me smile such as the count, some of the ops girls, maybe a diver or two... and some crazy dolphin trainers. Hell, what am i saying, a lot of people make me smile its just up to me whether i let whats affecting me, affect me at work. I have a meeting tomorrow and before my day even begins, i'll be hitting the pavement for 30mins with my spoodle.

Last night was a good night. Dinner and a movie with friends then of course baskin and robbins icecream. Unfortunately no love potion but nevertheless boysenberry patch! yum! My side mirror is on my car again, the door handle was fixed and worked for 24hours but now its wrecked again. Figures. And this afternoon mum and I jammed my back window with wood and packing so it doesn't fall down. I've been pretty busy on my days off trying to get everything organised but had a lot of me time. The best thing? I managed to sleep through on monday night, which was very exciting, but then last night even though i had a nice, long bath with coconut oil beforehand i had a very interrupted sleep. Dream, after dream and a nightmare to top it all off, then i woke at 10am. The nightmare was scary yet annoying. I haven't had that nightmare for a year now, it was so colourful and vivid. I swore it was happening and i remember every detail. I couldn't get to sleep for a long time afterwards so i'm surprised i didn't wake up at lunchtime or something. Its one of those recurring dreams that happens every now and then and doesn't seem to sway. I don't read into my dreams but this was scarier than usual. It seems to get worse the older i get. ah well, hopefully it doesn't come back tonight.

Roast for dinner and partner dancing tonight, hopefully this all helps.

Off the Mat...

When moving into the practice of yoga, its important to understand the stretching and breathing process. In so many types of fitness training we adopt the mentality "no pain, no gain", however for yoga, we must relax and move slowly through our stretches as we are more likely to damage something with this attitude. We need to adopt a softer, more relaxed approach to stretching as its more beneficial to our bodies. When we move into a stretch our muscles automatically tighten to resist potential damage to our joints. (kind of like doing something you've never done before- you approach it apprehensively, being cautious of the unknown.) This process lasts only about 18 seconds, so there is no rush. You take 5 deep breaths, and the muscles start to adjust and relax. Relaxed muscles stretch well and safely and our minds must be fully focused.

Now, I understand that for most people the practice of yoga isn't something they are interested in but for myself, yoga makes my body feel alive yet relaxed and energised. I studied classical ballet for 12 years and also within that time did a variety of other dance forms such as jazz, tap, contemporary, pointe, modern, modern jive and so on. The way my body felt after all those years of dance was amazing. My muscles and ligaments were loose but refined, my body was toned. This is what i miss and yoga makes me feel like that again and its a good feeling. Stress is a big factor in our busy, modern lives and anxiety can build up if we don't do something about it. Sometimes all it takes is a bit of exercise such as hitting the pavement 30mins a day, talking to a therapist or seeing your girlfriends. Or perhaps, maybe a bit of everything including yoga. 

I have a tear in my right hip flexor and tight hips in general and I also suffer from lower back pain and the doctor has stated it could be from ballet. After doing yoga for 6months and pilates every now and then, it felt alot less constricted and i wasn't limping as much. I'd like to get back to that stage, where my hip doesn't seize up and restrain me. "You've done it before, you can do it again."

Today i made a list of self affirmations to promote courage and strength in everything i hope to do and to help see myself for the better.

I do deserve to be happy and successful

I have the power to change myself

I can forgive and understand others and their motives

I can make my own choices and decisions

I am free to choose to live as i wish and to give priority to myself

I can choose happiness whenever i wish no matter what my circumstances

I am flexible and open to change in every aspect of my life

I act with confidence having a general plan and accept plans are open to alteration

It is enough to have done my best

I deserve to be loved. Everyone deserves to be loved.

This is something that applies to not only me but all those around me. Life gets tough but makes you stronger every time it kicks you down and you come out fighting. I'm not trying to say that my life is perfect atm, or that yoga is going to 'fix' me or that im living in sheer bliss because who is? I'm trying to turn things around for the better, make myself healthy, push myself to be a better person and continue to learn and grow as a human being.

We shouldn't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions but so what. Get started now, i mean this minute, because its better than starting tomorrow. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, self-confident and successful. You are the embodiment of the information you choose to accept  and act upon. To change your circumstances, you need to change your thinking and subsequent actions. With a little help from my friends and family hopefully i'm doing it. I guess in 6months time we will see. So how is yoga going to help?

Yoga gives me a sense of awareness to listen to my body and the way it moves. It relaxes my mind, body and soul so therefore this is an important step to my healing process. 

The Doctor

It's raining once more but at least its midnight. Id prefer it to rain at night time when im completely snuggled and warm in my bed rather than when i'm neck deep in the water filming a dolphin program at Dolphin Cove. I love listening to the rain. I don't know whats so special about it however the sound of rain falling around us is beautiful. Work was okay today, minus the fact that i was completely scattered, anxious and nervous this morning. I calmed my nerves eventually yet my heart was pounding non-stop. Perhaps it was the excitement on the prospect of change or learning something new about one of the animals im not sure. I find it difficult to pin point my feelings to the core although its not like i don't try to.

The doctor was interesting; I asked the question about obtaining a referral and that i couldn't afford to see a GP so he gave me his card and ill be seeing him tomorrow for about 20mins, bulk billed. Mentioned my headaches to him however i think the main occurring factor is stress related. Iron tablets have hit my medicine cabinet once more, i have a blood test tomorrow to check everything out and I'm seeing a movie tomorrow night. If its still raining, what am i to do with my days off beside doctor, books, movies, computer? At the moment i can't help but feel vulnerable and exposed. What i'm doing is really scary but bravery and courage shines through. At least, thats what i think.

short and sweet

I'm still getting headaches and i need a massage...stat! Work is work, nothing much has changed. Couldn't make the phone call but will try again tomorrow. Still feeling frumpy so having fruit for dinner. I miss George, alot. He was the one who helped me through so many ups and downs and led me in the right direction and our friendship has changed, due to circumstances. I miss him. Excited about the volunteering with Australia Zoo, nervous, no, ANXIOUS about seeing the doctor, perhaps ill go tonight by myself. I did ask George to come with me at first because he knows so much about it and has always been there for me. I told "the predicament" the truth about everything feeling upset, lonely and vulnerable. I know he would come with me but maybe i should just do this alone. Attending to more research about a variety of marine life, stretching my hip (yes i still have a tear in my right hip flexor), finished watching One Tree Hill so now i need something new to watch. Rules of Engagement sounds good. Wisdom is wicked. I want to do resort tours again. Lastly, liking me wasn't part of his plan.

This blog is short compared to the rest. Its just how i feel. meh.

21/08/2010

Here is my 21st blog post. WOW. 21 posts, still going strong and loving my blog. Hmm... i think a congratulations to myself is in order as i didn't think i could do it. Cheers everybody and thanks goes to all of you who read this for your encouragement and positive feedback. 

Okay, so my day was pretty smooth again and i'm all set for tomorrow. I made the phone call, but couldn't get through so that's my first challenge for the morning. Secondly, to stop being a moody bitch! I know i'm female and it comes within the territory but i guess you gotta look at the signage, and read the fine print. I can control the situation but i know my hormones are playing up - it could be my work, financial frustrations, the pill, my anxiety and so on but disregarding reasoning and excuses, i have to stop. I'm really excited dancing is remaining open so once i create a schedule, exercise will help my mood once again. For now? I feel frumpy and gross but weirdly... happy as well because i know things are looking up. My dog is back to her normal, crazy self, Baskin and Robbins opened literally 2mins away, my friends are supportive and i've tightened the purse strings - now looking for other ways of doing things to save money. Below is a little update about what i'm doing at the moment.

Australia zoo has accepted me as a volunteer assistant to the animal keepers for three different departments and i begin on Wednesday 8th September with my last day on Sunday 12th. I'm looking so forward to it as its such an amazing learning experience and i cant wait to get down and dirty!! I'm going to document my time there and upload a video diary every night of what i did and of course i'll upload some photos. How could i not? This is something i've wanted to do for a long time and im so glad its just around the corner. I'm selling my beloved ballet barre and my video camera on Ebay, paying the money towards my credit cards and then i'll start putting money aside for my Open Water Dive licence and Cairns. I started partner dancing every friday - my dance night in Broadbeach to loosen up and relax, walking my dog in the afternoons and doing pilates. Next week i will organise my dance schedule so i can get on track to fit and healthy once more. Womens health magazine is so worth buying, it gives you some amazing ideas and has great articles on staying healthy and keeping fit. Wouldn't it be great to write for them some day? (and be an elephant keeper...but thats another story.)

Well, i'm off to watch the last episode of One Tree Hill (i know its gay predicament) but i like it.

Doctors trip soon. Attitude reminder.. *Jodie takes a deep breath* Okay i'm ready

Princess Diana said: "they say its better to be poor and happy, than rich and miserable... how about a compromise like moderately rich and just Moody!" -- somehow i don't think that will work considering how i'm dealing with it. But hey, i thought it was interesting. 

nearly 21... again!

As it occurs this is now my 20th post. I've been told by a few people from work they enjoy reading my blogs and find them interesting and honest. I don't know what possessed me to start a blog in the first place about my life, my thoughts and ideas, sending it out on the internet for whoever is interested in reading it. But I have to say, you feel pretty good when people tell you they like your blog. I started blogging to relieve my mind of its daily chores. Its like a diary, yes, as it expresses how i'm feeling about whatevers on my mind, and also to share my opinions on different parts of... life. I guess you could say things get stuck in your head that go round and round and no matter what it is, writing about it feels good. That's why i do it.

On a different note...Work is getting better and to my surprise i actually had a good day. I woke up 1 minute before my alarm was ready to go off, quickly put my phone on silent and went back to sleep, waking up an hour later to realise i had 15mins before i should leave for work. Shit! In that time i jumped so quickly out of bed you could of swore an ant bit my ass or something, ripped my clothes off, turned on the hot water for the shower whilst anxiously trying to get the cling wrap off my arm from my tattoo (Of course it didn't come off easily...it was sticky and dry, the glad wrap glued together) Basically, I did the usual things we do to get ready including tidying up and making the bed - a very rare occasion i might add and set off for work. Now, i wasn't really late, i just knew i needed some breakfast from Marina Mirage and last time i ordered a fruit salad it took half'n'hour. I can't imagine why it takes that long to cut up fresh fruit however it did so i gave myself (well, actually them..) extra time. Those of you that live on the Gold Coast would have noticed the rain today. Slightly drizzling on and off for most of the day, yet the actual weather was okay, not too cold. We had a major problem at work though which completely slipped my mind simply because i had a good day and all of us worked together (for once in a long time i might add) and got through it. Work again tomorrow with the same team and fingers crossed there's no bitching, or moaning. I'm so tired of it. Okay, so we don't have to get along all the time, again we aren't meant to but PLEASE just go to work and do your job. By the way, i am not pin pointing anyone here, i'm talking about every person in our department including me.

Any who, god i wish i was more confident sometimes. I'd like to achieve more and learn at work: to put it simple, I'm knowledge hungry and i want in! But today i just couldn't suck it up and talk to the people i needed to about it. I got through one hurdle - that was a piece of cake. I do realise it is only up to me though and i'm completely grateful for my friends who have helped so far and... oh what the heck, I just need a kick up the butt. I should just stop trying to make excuses and just say 'hello, how are you? Its Jodie...' because one phone call is all it will take. Someone once told me that a successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at her. Very true and very relevant to how i'm approaching this situation. I was about to say 'predicament' but that might confuse you.

You know, I mentioned earlier that i was afraid of something and that when i told him i wanted him to hold me, tell me i'm beautiful and help me. This is exactly what he did. He gives me courage, so tomorrow i have a goal to by the end of the day, make that phone call. I'm not a has-been, i'm a will-be and I will not live down to expectations but go out there and do something remarkable.

A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage.  Every day sends to their graves obscure men whose timidity prevented them from making a first effort.  ~Sydney Smith

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss

What makes you HAPPY??

Anxiety is something that over time, takes hold of us like a spider spinning a web. The web starts small and lightly wraps around you slowly, increasing in size until its perfectly spun; a trap. The thought of it is almost suffocating. When your sitting alone inside your head - how do you feel? That is the question.

Catatonic? Idle? Well at least on the outside. Whats beneath all the clothes Jodie Stewart? We know this blog is about me, my thoughts, my ideas and those who know me and read this will see there's more beneath the surface. We let people in and push them away. I spent the day with my dad. I took him to his employment interview, we had lunch and went for an hour walk along the beach. It was stunning. Warm sand through your toes, an almost crystal clear sky and small surf crashing softly as it rolls in. We headed to Target as dad needed a new electric fry pan. The sign in the queue read 'what makes you happy?'. I waited and said sunflowers. They shine so bright, always face toward the sun and soak it up until they brighten even more. A field of sunflowers would be an amazing sight. Okay, riding towards a field of sunflowers with the person you love, even more amazing. We all have dreams, right? Dad said an orgasm. Typical! I just huffed and said, 'yeah well, they don't last as long.' It was just an interesting sign to have at a queue line. If everyone read it, they would stop and think for just a minute the importance of standing still, letting the world pass by and resting our minds. What is most important to you?

Leave a comment below and let me know for i am intrigued. We are all individuals and unique in how we look and what we say or do. We may walk through a crowded shopping centre and see a string of oompa loompas, (you know, barbie blonde hair, orange tan, anorexic, bad make up - an epidemic of the mannequins contaminating everything) but apart from that, what do you see? Its just an image it isn't them, that's not the real person because below that we ask ourselves, whats beneath all the clothes oompa loompas?

I want everyone to do something...You may shrug this off, laugh and consider it useless. But trust me. Go to the mirror and what do you see? Are you everything you want to be? If not, what do you want. Tell yourself, laugh at your insecurities and your fears. Notice them for what they are and show yourself your more than that and you can be strong, courageous, fearless and without anxiety. You can be independent and you are worthy. I know i am, however at the same time i know i struggle to see things clearly. I have a very stubborn friend who won't let me fall.

Believe. Believe with all your heart.

Truth is BEST

Tuesday the 17th of August. Firstly? My dads birthday - HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD. I love you so much. X

-- HaPpY happy birthday, to you and you and YOU i hope your birthday is as wonderful as YOU --


Today was very much a better day at work. Sure, i was upset last night before going out to dinner but some things that were up in the air have been cleared. This made work a hell of a lot easier than yesterday. I've been thinking, my blog must get difficult to read considering i don't use names so ill nickname my best friend George Its been difficult for both George and I. We have caused each other so much hurt and heartache which makes the pain deeper. Because we care for each other, it had to be sorted. We agreed we couldn't throw away everything we've been through on something like that. I know i could have controlled the situation earlier but i had mixed emotions that nevertheless impacted on what happened the past two weeks. Im happy the airs been cleared and the suns rays can begin to shine through.

Im in two different places right now. George knows both and wants me to fix it so there's only one place, but 'the predicament' knows 3/4. There's a quarter about me i haven't told him yet. I will tell him when we have some time to ourselves, i'm just afraid of what he will think however i'm hoping he will just look into my eyes, tell me i'm a beautiful person and say i'll help you. Is that too much to ask when your afraid?

Manic Monday

Monday morning and I have a short shift at work thankfully. I'm not well - tension headache, sore throat, chesty cough, tired muscles and I can't sleep. I went outside to see how Jenna is and my cat Tango rushed through the door past me. The sky was so pretty this morning. The stars glistened softly amongst a calm winters morning as the sun started to rise in the distance. It was peaceful yet mesmerizing. I've always loved the simple things in life like a walk in the beach, sunflowers, a beautiful sunset and when a stranger smiles. We get so caught up in our day to day rituals we forget to step back and appreciate the world we live in for what it is. This morning was perfect.

I didn't eat dinner last night, I couldn't. I slept okay... it wasn't a deep sleep at all and i was easily woken but nevertheless laid happily snuggled in with 'he that makes me smile'. Before you all get excited, i'm actually talking about 'henry'- my giant, plush elephant. The kind of sleeping buddy you want: no snoring, sneezing, rolling or stealing blankets!

Interestingly, i went to work and to no surprise at all i felt completely uncomfortable, vague, anxious and neurotic. One of my work colleagues told my boss that if it wasn't for work he wouldn't be friends with me on the outside. Now i don't usually let trivial things like this affect me however in this case it was different. That feeling of someone speaking of me like he is the apple and i'm the worm, i couldn't help but feel down. He looks down at me and thinks he is better than me and that i don't deserve to be PPT. You know, at the moment maybe thats true, but i know damn well i deserve it. I'm the one who was told a long time ago if i wanted to go PPT they would be happy for me to. Im the one out of the three of us who was chosen to move over into DVDS firstly. All of these things don't matter, but now that he has said that about me, i don't look at him the same way. Why should i? I don't feel comfortable with condescending behavior and even if they are 'nice' or have different 'values' and 'morals' no matter what, its still condescending. So thank you. Note the sarcasm?

Recent events have played out like an episode of 'Days of our lives' on repeat. There are things i need to do to better certain situations especially with myself and work. I'm taking each day as it comes and in turn learning more about myself than ever. I like spontaneity. I thrive on excitement - the prospect of adventure. These are my shoes and my view and everyday is another day to ignite. Im addicted to this universal feeling called life.

We spend each day exploring so please don't be afraid to ask questions. Every now and then questions pop up about me, people want to know things but are to afraid to ask the one person that knows 100%, me. Im a pretty open and honest person. I'll always tell the truth so don't be afraid to ask. Quite a few people know what i was doing for work other than the work i do now and asked my best friend, not me, a variety of questions. Those who didn't know me were concerned, to an extent, and assumed the worst. Those that knew me a little wondered why? I don't mind, but no one asked me and i wish they would have so i could explain. Then, instead of receiving sideways glances they would know the truth and understand. Perhaps.

In life we are labelled and thrown into the deep end - you just got to come out free styling, not doing backstroke or even worse, breast stroke. Show everyone you can do it. Show them YOU deserve it not just them. Show them your better than that and then, fuck them off. They weren't worth it in the first place.

The Unexpected

I never feared the unexpected until i found myself in this peculiar place.

Jenna, my dog isn't well. She's laying next to me on the blanket my mum crocheted for me. Her head is on my lap whilst i'm watching the fifth season of One Tree Hill. I'm hungry but food doesn't interest me. My voice was strong with my family, I held a brave face but the truth is i've been really upset this afternoon. Upset that i've lost my best friend and hurt him deeply at the same time. There will be no going back. The flip side? I really like my place with "the predicament" - My happiness matters to me and to those i care about. My art matters to. So i'm going to do it. I'm not going to say what it is but ill do it. Confidence, motivation, the right choice...its these three things that have brought me to where i am today. I may only be 21 but i'm headstrong and i'm not afraid to face up to what i feel about things and tell the truth, even when it hurts me as well. I'm not afraid of being hurt. I've said it before, i'll say it again. Life is a roller coaster ride and sometimes it slows down to a halt, then picks up speed and takes you flying like superman. Enjoy the ride. I know that i will look back on this year in a few years and thoughts will run through my mind about my life since 2006. Ups and downs, new friendships, heart ache, losses and gains.

Im struggling to write this blog because i feel like i should be guilty. I've been feeling bad the past few days for everything thats happened, as though its my fault. I can't help the way things have occurred, and im happy. He is a breath of fresh air and it excites me. It makes me smile. His warm embrace feels right. Go with our gut feeling right? Definitely.

A box of chocolates

Life is like a box of chocolates and you never know which one your going to get. Familiar? Forrest Gump.

When we are offered a choice in life we take a leap of faith and go with our gut feeling. In this case, which chocolate stands out the most, the one that feels right, looks tastiest and makes our tongues salivate. The one your taste buds ooze over. When it comes down to it, we make the choice on what's right for us, how we feel and what we like. Uniqueness, independence and free will defines us human beings and the decisions we make affect us everyday and those around us. It doesn't take a physicist to work that out. In my previous blogs I've spoken of myself, my friends and parts of my life thus far. I've thought deeply about attitude and how it affects you each day. Our attitude makes or breaks us.

I started this blog post at lunch whilst eating subway, but thought id finish it now. I'm at a friends place for some pre-drinks - we're off to a bucks 'after' party...okay, hence, females can come to. Jersey Shore is playing and its completely hilarious and i'm drinking rum... whats new? Basically, we are out for a good saturday night drinking, dancing and letting our hair down. The past two weeks have been so interesting and i am myself again. Im thankful to so many people who have helped bring me back down such as my mum, my friends but most of all my best friend. However due to previous and present circumstances most likely doesn't want to know me. He deleted me as a friend on facebook and i know what that means. Enough is enough. I really do care about him but he doesn't think so. You can't switch on feelings for someone at the push of a button because they've finally worked out they want you, and honestly i want to be there for him as his best friend. We have grown so close over time but now i don't think we will ever be back to that point. The past week has been so difficult for him and i haven't known how to react. Its been difficult for me also, because no one likes hurting the people you care about. I'm not going to say to much about it anymore in my blog out of respect for our privacy but i will say this. You are more than words can say to me. I cherish our friendship and i never wanted to hurt you, i know you didn't want to hurt me. We both hurt for different reasons and i will always be there for you. I love you. You always said no matter what you would be there for me as a friend, now im not so sure. My happiness is important to me, and yours important to you. I want you to be happy.

As hard as everything has been i've realised i am finally me and doing those things that i love. I need to have fun dancing, horse riding, doing pole fitness, seeing friends and doing everything that i felt i couldnt do in the past due to my relationship. My past boyfriend didn't understand me and what i loved to do. As much as i loved him, i couldn't be myself and felt constricted...reserved and manipulated. Now that i realise what it means to truly focus on myself and achieve what i want with people who push me to achieve greatness, i'm happy. I've been 21 for 6 days and alot has happened. Ive hurt more than one person (3 to be exact) and gained happiness within myself at the same time. I trusted my best friend and he hurt me deeply, now he wants me but i wanted him so badly 5 months ago and he wasn't interested. Or at least, that's how it felt. He held me at arms length for a long time until he was ready. I was confused at what was going on with Harley and i could never get a clear answer from him, no matter how many questions i asked. Harley is hurting also with my decision and i feel sad for him but its not my fault. He had one chance too many and knew how i felt. Lessons have been learnt, mistakes made, realisations occurred. All in all I know what i want and its him (nickname to come) who makes me so happy. Its completely unexpected and as i mentioned through previous blogs, i don't use names. Ill nickname him "the predicament."

I know this will make him laugh and not everyone will understand it but that's the mystery. I stumbled across "the predicament" through a friend unexpectedly and was intrigued to get to know him. In the past few weeks we've spent a bit of time together focusing on our newly found friendship and as it occurs, i like him. He makes me smile from the way he talks to me, what he says about me and when he texts me at 5:50am to say good morning and let me know what he is doing for the day. He gives me butterflies, and makes me weak at the knees. Isn't this what being happy is about? That feeling. That moment when you look into their eyes and can't help but smile. "The predicament" has encountered a situation. Me. :D

His time in the naughty chair

My best friend has created a blog to relieve his daily frustrations and get anything off his chest. Blogging is a great way to say whats on your mind. I was emailed a link to his blog and read, with interest, this morning his first post. Its about us. Surprised? Not at all. Together we have been through so much since the end of last year and our trials and tribulations have brought us closer and closer to each other.

This is a response to his blog.

What an interesting read. Perhaps when you asked her to dance, she wasn't comfortable with the song? She was probably waiting for something that gives her that spark, like a guns and roses, welcome to the jungle. I'm positive she doesn't have feelings for the person who hurt her a few times and has given up and moved on. She would have sorted things out as friends, in a friendship environment, to let him know where he stands.

Life is about taking chances and about trusting those closest to you. When you trust someone openly and completely, something beautiful takes that friendship and relationship to another level, because you know 100% they won't hurt you. When that trust is broken, it leaves you torn up inside and its like a train that doesn't stop. Like Japans Bullet train it picks up speed and doesn't slow down, only for a few moments to let other people in. I find it hard to completely trust people because i've been hurt in the past. When our trust was broken, i was left confused, anxious, apprehensive and distraught. And you did it more than once. Asking for space and not being completely clear with why, except for the frustration at peoples assumptions?

I am 21. I have alot to learn, but everyone has lessons to be learnt and mistakes to be made. I admit that i was so sure we would be together, and then when he went to Heron Island and i kind of met someone but i didnt feel anything strongly for them - I had to know if he wanted me, or at least had feelings for me, so we could continue to be best friends and share everything and see where we ended up. Now? I'm emotionally detached from being a partner to him. I'm shocked that he wants me. When he said it, i had no idea how i was going to take it because i waited for him for so long to say it to me. I want you. Those words have come at a time in my life where im unsure of what to do, how i should feel. So i've taken a step back and decided to let my mind take things in and absorb the different past and present emotions. I didn't discuss this in my blog post last night because i was unsure if he would want me to. I care deeply for him, so before i was going to blog about it, i wanted to be certain he wouldn't mind. However, he has already begun blogging about it anyway. At the moment, im coming down with the flu, or maybe tonsillitis. I know i don't have tonsils anymore, but the remnants can still become infected. My throat is very sore, its hard to talk. I'm heading to Robina Town Centre to shop and spend some of my birthday money.

I love my best friend more than anything in this world and i care about him so much. He knows me more than anyone else, because i've opened up to him in a way i wasn't able to with previous partners. He sees a side of me which no one else does and he expressed how much i mean to him in a poem about me and my life. This was the best present i received for my birthday. A large poster of one of my nude photographs we did one afternoon at Jabiru Island Park near Paradise Point, and the poem. A very special gift that i know came from his heart. I love it so very much, thank you. I will continue this post later, and update it. I can't wait to not have a headache anymore but mostly to give him a JP hug.

- 21 -

IM 21!!!

Okay. So i had my birthday yesterday, and my birthday dinner at Hard Rock Cafe on the gold coast. The food was good, and the company even better. I'm so grateful for everyone who came despite the interesting events that occurred that night and the different feelings that over came me. Completely overwhelmed by it all, a trip to the ladies with some old girlfriends for a chat and a laugh turned things around. I had a really good night, and got some beautiful presents.

I danced my ass off at Sin City by myself and was accompanied by my brothers and Harley "too many dicks on the dance floor, too many dicks. Too many dicks on the dance floor, too many dicks!" - i am not kidding. Males out numbered females 6-1. I couldn't help impersonating all the single dudes dancing together, but didn't want to join them so felt safe cocooned by the boys i knew. My brothers hated every song at Sin City, but they solely were there for me and i really appreciate that.

Ive been through alot emotionally the past week. Past emotions, feelings, circumstances and instances have crossed my mind and brought themselves back to the surface not only to reveal to me how far i've come, but also to help me make the right decision. I don't want to waste my time sitting around mulling everything over and over again, but rather take each day as it comes and go with what feels right. I just listened to Sum 41 - Fat Lip.. Its one of those chill out and go with the flow kind of songs and all i want to do right now is dance, drink rum, sing karaoke and get out and socialise. Im a fun loving and carefree person and i thrive on spontaneity, excitement and of course, the simple things. I spent a few songs at the Beer Garden dancing on the dance floor with no one around but myself and my old friend from Bond University - completely alone, dorky but having fun. This is what lifes about.

Im 21, do i feel any different? Sure, 2 days older but not really. What i do know is its time to focus on my goals - back to uni to finish the degree, volunteering at Australia Zoo with Elephants (hopefully), learn to dive so i can see our beautiful marine life but most importantly turtles, and travel to Paris, France. I was given a Pandora charm bracelet and it is very special. It was given to me by Harley and he told me its to remind me to focus on myself and my goals, and that each charm represents a part of me - my story. This means so much to me and i absolutely love it..

More Sum 41 songs playing on my Itunes. Even though i have a sore throat, heavy head and yet another headache, Im completely in the mood to play guitar hero, drink and go out! All in all, im 21 and nothing has changed yet except that i know where i want to head in life and the type of people i want to hang out with. I miss my old girlfriends and i love them very much and cant wait to see them on Thursday. I've got a good feeling about the next few months before Christmas and lets keep it that way. The best thing about all of this? Something completely unexpected has happened the past few weeks and it clearly demonstrates the roller coaster ride our lives are, but one thing i know is its time for fun, spontaneity and of course honesty. Even if it hurts.

I dream about Changing

X - I gotta FEELING - X

I'm sailing a ship on a lake that never runs dry.

Considering my birthday is so close, i'm writing in my blog each day. Another stunning day on the coast with a safe and quick drive to my hairdressers to get my hair done - finally! Nothing feels better than getting your hair freshly coloured, cut and blow dried! mmm... and when there's a cupcake to devour whilst there, what could have been better!

I had an interesting day, to say the least... spent the afternoon with mum for lunch (nachos, coffee, freshly squeezed pineapple juice) and a walk around pacific fair. Then, to my complete and utter surprise i was deeply hurt by one of the people i love most. This made last nights conversation cross my mind. Isn't it interesting how people perceive us based on how little they know us, by our age and what we do. Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups as they say in the film industry, and it applies to the world as we know it. I was told last night that i was very '20.' hmm.. how was i exactly meant to take that? Very '20' by looks? or just the way that i am, and act? Am i naive? no. Juvenile, no. Do i have a lot more life experience to be had? Well, that's a no brainer, because all of us have been brought up differently, are from different cultures and have led unique and interesting lives.

Those of you who know me, know that i am very 20 in terms of age. However, emotional IQ is something i've learned over the years. My interests, background, and experience so far has shaped who i am today and its the ideas of ancient historians, philosophers and writers i seek. I learn about the people from the past, to understand people of today. Ive met quite a few individuals who are 25 and older who show jealousy and discrimination. They lack courage and strength. I don't try to be anyone but me, however i'm not a little kid and i stand up for what i believe in. I'm a loyal and trustworthy daughter, and friend.

This makes me wonder if people truly understand emotions and what emotional intelligence is. Emotions are relatively simple to recognise on the surface; a facial expression, a tone in ones voice etc. but recognising 'whats going on,' on a deeper level takes an understanding beyond basic human intelligence. We all know what emotion is, right? Perhaps not, as consulting the dictionary presents a not-very-helpful definition of the term: "an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness" (Random House Dictionary of the English Language, 1973, p. 467) Now, i'm not saying i know the 'be all' and 'end all' so to speak of emotional intelligence, but i have a good understanding thus far of people and those around me. Emotion is distinct from cognition (thinking) and volition (will, or motivation).

I'm not going to sit here and tell everyone what emotion is, how to understand it and how to be a 'good' person. Its something we are constantly learning everyday but frankly, i simply want people to step back and take a look in the mirror at themselves and think about how they react to certain situations, decisions and so on. If we learn to understand ourselves better, life takes on a whole new level. We understand others and we can put certain practices of emotional undertanding... for example: empathy, into our families, relationships and our work. I understand me (to an extent) and it helps me understand you.

If i did not think..

Another day in paradise; well, maybe not paradise... 'Paradise' to me means happiness. People go searching for happiness, but its not until you wake up and realise whats already in your life such as your family, friends and your pets making it worthwhile. Something makes us smile everyday. For me? - the beautiful sunshine (disregarding the cold wind that gave a chill down your spine), laughing when my dog crashes into a tree chasing her ball, and smiling, because i have a roof over my head, loving parents (even if they aren't together) and friends who care about me for me, not for any other reason.

My birthday is in 6 days so the countdown to 21 begins. I'm looking forward to horse riding with my mum and the surprises install for me over the next week. I've had a difficult past three years and i realise now i need to be content with what i have, and stop trying to do more than i can fit in. I'm anxious and i stress myself out alot over thinking, over analysing situations and competing with myself and at times... contradicting myself.. but who doesn't?

I care deeply about my friends and i care for their happiness. I want them to wake up in the morning and feel good about themselves, their lives, their opportunities, jobs and their future. I don't want them to feel afraid or scared because the unknown is an adventure and its exciting but scary.. sometimes we just HAVE to wing it. If things don't work out, you went with the flow, you didn't be conservative, you tried and you had an adventure along the way. Isnt that what lifes about?