I think my heart just skipped a beat

Against all odds and against all obstacles, i will strive for a better future for myself.

All we need is a great big imagination, and a few little dreams, a few little goals, someone to love, something to look forward to and a little faith in ourselves that we can do anything, no matter how long it takes to get there. A bit of sunshine, a nice wine, friends that stick by you and keep in contact no matter the road you turn how far away or near you are, a little adventure, a little sacrifice and to compromise - but not so much so that we compromise who we are as a person but so, so that we learn and grow together. Remember to have a little time to unwind, seek the thoughts of the great thinkers to help guide us through their knowledge and wisdom of human life learnt before us, cherish our families, eat chocolate and seek peace and love through all eternity. Think ahead of the times but don't rush through life jumping from one thing to the next, have gratitude and be satisfied, not always wanting for bigger and better things but be satisfied with what you have worked for. Sit back and smell the roses, because experience builds character and you can't take your porsche or your leather lounges with you when you go. Take words of old friends with a grain of salt and listen to your elders, including your mother, because she's right.

Lord Byron once said "for i love not man the less, but nature more."I love the earth and everything the earth brings to us. Our world is a beautiful planet and the people on it more amazing so. I love taking my dog to the park and standing by the river and just looking out over the water and wondering what lies beneath. So much mystery and bull sharks of course. I love taking a stroll through the bush and looking at the trees, plants and flowers and appreciating there natural beauty. I always watch for snakes or birds hoping i'll see something in its own natural environment. Science is a beautiful thing and on my last flight to Rockhampton i picked up a cosmos magazine and i've found such delight in reading up on different things it has to offer. I think i'll have to subscribe to this magazine! Especially when i sit alone in the house in Rocky whilst my boyfriend works, i exercise, stretch and read about science or philosophy. I think this time i need to take some more reading material, and especially take my new laptop.

You know come to think of it i don't think i have the willpower and determination to put my time and energy into my book. Although my story is yearning to be told, deep inside of me, i feel now isn't the right time. I just believe i need a few months to clear my head and leave it for a while. The mass project has begun and the story burns deep within my soul, like flames of a burning fireplace.

I think my heart just skipped a beat. Until the stars fall, JP xx

Follow your dreams.

OR you will spend the rest of your life working for someone who did.

The very first day of December is here and Christmas is just around the corner. I haven't begun christmas shopping yet, however, there are so many different things to buy people but i don't want to get my family and friends just 'anything' i'd like to get them something special and unique to them that they want. Today is such a beautiful day, so beautiful, like diamonds in the sky. I am shining bright and living a happier, healthier life. The sun is shining and although the heat is making me feel tired and lethargic, im enjoying my saturday watching House Husbands and relaxing after a night out last night. I went to the bakery and bought my usual toasted ciabatta with egg, cheese and tomato (a little naughty and not too healthy) but it was breakfast! Since then i've been guzzling down the water and it looks like ill be doing my coconut detox tomorrow too. I've just begun taking my contraceptive pill again, hoping that it will help regulate my body and help with my skin. I've been back on it for a week and am feeling sluggish and bloated but hopefully it will pass soon and i can settle into a normal routine, without feeling excessively bigger than what i am. I bought a little something for a few special people in my life and hope they like their little gifts. You know, i love surprises and when i walked up the street a few days earlier and to my delight one of my neighbours has planted about 16 sunflowers of which 5 were blooming open and facing the sun. Today, they are all open and what a site to see. I absolutely love sunflowers, with their big bright faces constantly turning to face where the sun is shining down its beautiful rays. For those who know me, this would draw the biggest of smiles across my face, as sunflowers remind me to be positive. In a world of 'busy' with things constantly on the move, it's nice to stand still for a moment and enjoy something that makes you smile so much. Lately, i've been stretching more and doing yoga for myself (especially when in Rockhampton). I am yet to find a yoga class i enjoy up there also, however, i really enjoy spending the days to myself and doing my own thing, clearing my head and pruning it of negative thought processes. A session of yoga helps me to regain my focus as it's often hard to slow down your mind. I like to meditate for about 15 minutes afterward to truly relax and gain composure of myself and let myself go in my surroundings.

Today is the first day to following my dreams. I dream to live a life of love, happiness and joy as i move through the different stages of my being and learn more about myself and my development cognitively, biologically and psychosocially. During my second semester of university last year i was fortunate enough to study 'Developmental Psychology.' This was my favourite subject of my degree, bypassing even my second favourite subject 'Cultural and Ethical Values' - where we studied philosophy and the great thinkers from ancient to modern times. Developmental psychology taught me about human development from 'womb' to 'tomb' and opened up my eyes, my mind and my soul to why i am the person i am today. From my upbringing through childhood, the way i was parented and through the different child attachments i had, and of course the 'nature' vs 'nurture' debate this subject gave me a clearer view on why i react the way i do to certain things and the reasons i am who i am. If there was one subject i believe all children should study in high school to a certain extent it is 'Developmental Psychology.' Although my degree is finished, i haven't learnt the skills nor do i have the knowledge needed to continue down the path i wish to follow. Therefore, in the new year i will begin to study once more. Subjects such as emotional intelligence will be on the agenda for outside of class time, but in terms of a degree i am looking into a Bachelor of Health Sciences (naturopathy) with the Endeavour College of Natural Health. Naturopathy is something i have wanted to study for a long time and whilst studying this i can also learn massage and remedial massage as it's all part of the bodies natural healing processes. Already from my dancing and what i learnt in my short period studying massage for two and half weeks i learnt that this is something i very much so want to do. I can see myself in 5 years being an accredited Naturopath and Massage Therapist embarking on starting my own business to help others heal. Human beings always dream and yearn for something more. I've still got a lot of researching, phone calls and visits to make regarding my degree and when i will be studying .
The new year has a lot of exciting opportunities and i cannot wait to see where my relationship takes me. Although his family is from Gympie and mine from the Gold Coast, we can work it out and that we will. When i met him, i didn't realise how important he would be to me, and quite frankly i was scared of being in a relationship because meeting him was completely unexpected and out of the blue and with everything going on with me internally i wasn't ready for it. Nevertheless they say things happen for a reason and when your ex says 'you'll never find anyone like me' you respond with 'that's the point.' Human beings need to share their lives with someone who is supportive and believes in you no matter what. They listen to you and take notice to how you are feeling and want to talk and share things with you. It gets a little hard sometimes because i'm never completely settled whilst i'm in Rocky but life is a little unsettling at the best of times.

I still can't get over the fact its december already. Im off to enjoy the peace and serenity of an afternoon kip. Until the stars fall or the end of the world is near, JP x

A Happy, Healthier Me

Always putting my positivity forward, i've come to realise there are better ways to live a happier, healthier life. Put simply, i haven't been trying to do anything exceptionally different and it's been so easy. I've been doing the tried and true steps towards living a fulfilling and happier life such as drinking plenty of water, soaking up the sunshine and allowing my body to receive the vitamin D it needs, reading a little more, eating fruit, exercising at least 30minutes a day and stretching. Although these are simple steps and what i've been doing regularly, most of all i've learnt how to relax and enjoy the company of ones self. Throughout my life i've always been busy doing one thing or the other, going here there and everywhere, and not giving myself sufficient time to relax and let my mind slow down and really be aware of my thoughts. I danced for 12 years doing ballet, jazz, tap, contemporary, modern and pointe. I attended dance classes 5 or 6 days a week and competed in eisteddfods each weekend. I studied and kept up to date with my schoolwork completing homework and working on assignments till late at night or in between my dance classes whilst chowing down some Hungry Jacks (yes, even though we were dancers, we weren't always the healthiest, but mostly, we were.) At about 15 years old i lessened the amount of dance classes i attended and turned my focus onto my school work. I changed schools and left Helensvale State High School for Coombabah State High School half way through grade 11 and didn't regret this decision ever since. I needed a change of scenery and a change of people to surround myself with. As school was finishing up, I lessened dancing once more and discontinued ballet and jazz classes, instead replacing them with Modern Jive partner dancing classes, and spent my week of Schoolies 2006 dancing and enjoying learning everything i could about partner dancing, dreaming of competing in the Modern Jive dance championships. After four weeks off from year 12 i began studying a full time degree at Bond University here on the Gold Coast. I completed four semesters but during my second semester studying i was hit with Influenza A, which made it's nasty way into my tonsils and stayed there ever since giving me Chronic Tonsillitis for 2 years. A strain of Glandular Fever also made its way into my bloodstream and i became exhausted and fatigued and could no longer focus on studying. I thought i wanted to be in the film industry and i thought studying a Bachelor of Film and Television would be everything i dreamed it would be. Instead, studying film took the passion and love i had for it out of me and replaced it with hatred. I couldn't stand anything to do with film and photography and i didn't want anything to do with it, i found it was a mere hobby. I met a lot of amazing people through that time at Bond and it taught me a lot about myself and the person i wanted to become.

After deferring from my degree i decided i needed some life experience and to take a break from studying because it seemed it was all i did, so I applied for a job at Seaworld as a Ride Attendant, and later began filming the dolphin and seal swim adventure programs, taking photos of guests hand feeding stingrays, cleaning and conducting resort tours as a guide. It was definitely an experience unlike any other, and never did i once think that my uniform everyday would consist of board shorts and a rash vest and i would be immersed in water surround by a dolphin or two with a camera in my hand. A handful of my friends finished their film degrees and struggled to get jobs where they wanted to be, and here i was with a camera in my hand filming everyday as a job. It was truly an amazing experience and i'll always remember the people that touched my life whilst i was there and helped me through some sad times. It pained me to find out someone i thought very highly of ended his own life last year who i met during my time there. He really touched me and helped me out through a variety of situations and circumstances, offering advice and a hug and to say everything would be okay, and it saddened me to hear the news because i didn't see the pain he was going through himself. R.I.P Decka, you were always so strong. I'm always thinking of you mate. As i've said earlier, grief is like the ocean, its bigger and deeper than all of us and sometimes you just don't realise how deep of a hole someone has dug into their own mind, when that is their only way out.

After a few years at Seaworld and a conversation with my half brother Israel, who made me realise it wasn't too late to finish my degree i went back to Bond, changed my degree to an Arts Degree majoring in Film and Television and completed it within the year, graduating in February 2012. Whilst completing my degree i dabbled in different subject areas such as Journalism, Business, Psychology, Technology and Human Biology to get a real feel for what i wanted to do the next year. Slowly too my health plummeted until finally i succumbed to an awful viral infection and Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome which some doctors referred to as Chronic Fatigue. I couldn't attend my graduation because it was impossible for me to get up off the couch for more than half an hour without aching so much i had to go back to sleep or at least lay down again. Nevertheless, Bond posted out my certificate in the mail and i raised a glass to myself and said 'woo hoo.' In February this year I begun a Certificate of Swedish Massage, but had to drop out of it within two and a half weeks because it was impossible to get up out of bed and make it out the door without wanting to fall asleep. I lacked the energy i needed to live out a normal day. As a last hope of getting better after weeks of no improvement, i booked into a Naturopath and bought my mum for moral support. During my consultation tears fell down my cheeks as i felt at wits end for losing so much energy and motivation for general daily activities let alone my massage course and dancing. It was such a shock to me, and my mind to go from being so incredibly busy with always something to do, to not being able to complete a simple task like make a sandwich without being in pain. My body ached, and my mind yearned to learn and seeked the knowledge to get better. Basically, i needed to rest, and i needed to get my immune system fighting because it didn't want to fight anymore. I had to drop out of my massage course, drop any kind of studying i wanted to do, drop dancing and not go anywhere or do anything fun. I had to rest. I pushed away my friends and family and became quite reserved and secluded. After 7 months of naturopathic consultations and rest i finally became better and now it feels like that part of my life is just a page of history that i would like not to repeat itself. I feel as though my year only began in August as i turned 23 years of age and met my wonderful boyfriend in Rockhampton of all places. I feel we found love in a hopeless place.

The past few months i have still struggled to keep a positive outlook on my future as the stresses and struggles of everyday life and others putting their pressure onto you can get you down, however, i feel if i take each day as it comes and open up my heart and my mind to new experiences, things will fall into place. Sometimes you get lucky and the universe delivers the perfect solution. For me, i feel my heart and soul yearn for something more. They yearn for peace and knowledge. After being so unwell i feel a lot of people in this life take their health for granted, and take for granted what the world has given us to enjoy in return. Not only beautiful places, animals, herbs, plants, vitamins and minerals to keep us healthy and active, but beautiful people also. You just need to pick off the thorns and you'll reach a rose eventually. The past few months i've established some beautiful friendships with people i don't know how i ever lived without. I've also come to terms with the fact that some people will never change and only want to get in contact with you when they need your support, or a shoulder to cry on, or some advice. Well, frankly, i don't care anymore and i'm doing some pruning of my own. This christmas has a lot of wonders in store, but as long as i'm surrounded by my family that's all that matters. I have no plans for christmas, and no plans for New Years, but considering the vast change of energies about to occur and the lining of the stars and planets i'd like to do something big. Last new years was a write off as i began to get sick, vomited and was in bed by 10:30pm whilst the rest of my family celebrated the fireworks at Federation Square in Melbourne. Nevertheless, i would love a new years kiss to bring in 2013 and start the year of with love, passion and excitement. I have a big year ahead and with only a few weeks to christmas theres a lot of research and planning i need to do. One things for sure, a happier, healthier me is here and here to stay, for good.

Until the stars fall, peace and love for all eternity,

JP xx

PS: i love you

Just me, it's all i can be.

The alternative is to think backwards and that's just remembering. Life can get a little messy at the best of times, yet that's what living is. For someone who was struggling to get out of bed for months on end to face the day, this girl you see above is feeling pretty damn good about things and will happily jump out of bed to face the day as long as it's after 9am (we all need our beauty sleep). Its the first day of November and in another week i'll be jet setting back to Rockhampton to see my wonderful boyfriend and two beautiful friends of mine whom i feel so grateful are finally in my life. Isn't it funny how we go through so many stages in our lives of friends coming and going, jobs, relationships and what not and then you finally become friends with someone and it makes you wonder how you ever lived without them. This is how i feel about a special girlfriend of mine. Like two peas in a pod we seem to just fit together. It's nice to meet someone who is so supportive and appreciative who just gets you, with one look or statement they know instantly what you are thinking, whats wrong and what you need to do about it... Or sit up and chat with you no matter what day it is and just have a massive d&m filled evening hosted by a bunch of giggles. Secondly, i feel so grateful to have met my boyfriend up in Rockhampton, for now he is the only reason i need to be up there. He is so supportive of who i am and makes me feel like i can do or say anything and its okay to just be me. Im really missing him at the moment but the time apart does go quickly, and it helps me appreciate the time i do get to spend with him. Although i am so very slack in the blogging department (which i do apologise for) things will improve when i buy an internet stick so i can write and work on things up in Rockhampton instead of watching Underbelly and Big Bang Theory (i really do need to be a little more productive). It's just that sometimes its nice to take a break from things and really leave my mind open to new trains of thoughts and possible changes in thought patterns without writing them down. I might feel a certain way one minute, then half an hour later when i've really thought about it i change my mind. Ridonkulous! Thoughts are a little ridonkulous sometimes. You know when you have a simple thought about something, then you think 'shit, why did i even think that, gee i'm a loser'? I don't believe our thoughts follow any particular patterns and i wonder at times how certain thoughts even get into my brain! Nevertheless, at least they keep us on our toes and keep our minds entertained. One man band BOOM.

You know, so many people i know have a plan of what their lives should be like or will be like if 'such and such happens' or what they would do 'if this happened,' i just feel i shouldn't have a definitive plan right now, but take each day as it comes. I have absolutely no idea what i'm going to do next year and as much as i've racked my brain and wished more than once that i knew what i wanted to do with myself, all i know is, i want to be healthy and happy with who i am as a person and continue to cultivate the amazing friendships i have and grow in my relationship. Now i don't think that's too much to ask. The first step? My coconut detox 48hr cleanse. Mission accepted!

Until the stars fall,

JP xx

A little late posting but here nonetheless

Thursday 13^th September 2012

“If you like it then you should have put a ring on it” Well it’s just one of those days with plenty of sunshine to help clear the mind. I’m sitting outside alone, but not lonely, soaking up the warmth of the sunshine with only a pink and black g-string to cover. I’ve lathered my body up in sunscreen and wearing my maui jim sunnies to protect the little freckle below my eye lid. I’m set up on two deck chairs and listening to Girl Talk ‘All DAY’ album. I love how music reminds you of certain people in your life you’ve met and this album brings me back to spending time in the surf, sex and sun of Byron Bay. So last night had an interesting turn of events. After landing in Rockhampton for perhaps the 5^th time (honestly i can’t remember now) I was so excited to just drop my bags off, have my nails redone at Top Spa and Nail at Stocklands and head back to the house so I could get ready for my dinner date at Nandos. How good is Nandos, I love chicken. “Chicken wing, chicken wing, pizza and bologna, chicken and macaroni chillin’ with my homies” would chime my 9-year-old cousin at the sound of me saying ‘chicken.’ Gosh I miss her so much. She is like the little sister I never had and seeing her makes my heart melt, I love her to pieces.

Today finds my thoughts tracing through a soul vacation – Like Trains Drops of Jupiter song It feels like I “sailed across the sun and made it to the milky way.” The wind sweeps us off our feet in all sorts of directions and today showed me that last night was everything I was looking for because when you have that feeling of contentment and that things fall together creating their own little puzzle, it’s just nice. Now this isn’t about the places I’ve been to or where I’ve gone, it’s about you and you know, the best of my friends always being there for me, even though I don’t necessarily see them. Also my family providing the support needed for my decisions and then there’s me dancing along the footpath singing a lullaby and sipping a soy latte, but falling back to you. Although I know my mum is going to miss me whilst I’m here in Rockhampton, and worries about me being sick all the time, I know that everything will be okay. It’s taking its time but with a little patience, things will look up and they are. Out of the ups and downs and wondering if I’m lost or found, the anxiety attacks, asthma, not feeling comfortable in social situations or walking around a shopping centre along with the feelings of self consciousness I’ve felt the past few months all under an umbrella of insecurity there is always a positive side. Things always turn back around and hope shines through. I know that I’ve been depressed for a few months with outside stimuli influencing the way I feel it almost felt out of my control and most of it was which my ex boyfriend actually helped me make myself more aware of this. Just one message he sent me which stated what he’d been through and how a lot of it was out of his control, I realized I was in the same boat. It seems we go through life and put up a fight with ourselves and deny certain ways we are feeling, suppressing certain emotions depending on the people we surround ourselves with, because we don’t want to look weak and vulnerable. In these situations we have to remember that we aren’t the only ones feeling this way and at some point in their life they’ve probably been through the same thing or maybe have been worse off than you. Everyone needs a little respect and a little time and sometimes, the day just doesn’t go in your favour but we have all been there.

Today is a different story. It’s better and things are going to work somehow. There’s someone on the gold coast I used to really care about but all the more I thought about it I realized it really wasn’t worth thinking about and although I lost my nerve and lost my way with it all last year, I have learnt so much about who I am, what I want and what I deserve which will happen in it’s own time. We always strive for something more but this was different and there’s nothing left for me to say except that I want him to be happy. I sent him a message not long ago that I didn’t want him to reply to that simply said I really missed him, although we had a good conversation on the phone Monday as I wished him a happy birthday I feel so content with my decision and his new beginning and I’m ready to accept my new journey (whatever that is and wherever it takes me).

Up here in Rocky I have met a really lovely person whom I find so easy and comfortable to be around. The conversation tends to pick up where it left off, I smile constantly, can be a little shy and then I have the most dorky nervous giggle that gets me through. I’m a little apprehensive about meeting someone new but when it’s so easy and feels the way it does there’s definitely no ignoring it. He really took care of me last night, which my mum was so thankful for considering I broke down and had an anxiety attack and she’s on the Gold Coast unable to do much but offer her thoughts. I managed to get some sleep although I was a little restless I just felt worse for him because he had to get up and go to work early this morning. I’m really looking forward to spending the weekend in Yeppoon with him next weekend by the beach. It’s like a mini holiday on my short holiday. At the time being we are just focusing on our friendship and ourselves but as they say one thing leads to another and you know what I like kissing him like you kiss before you have sex.

Until the stars fall!

Jodie Pamela (JP) xx

Not just a boring sack of flesh!!

Well at least im living A LIFE.

So its just past midnight and im sipping my camomile tea about to take a restavit planning on having a decent nights sleep! Although at times you know i feel like i wake up and i've been running a marathon at the rate my dreams go. There full of surprises and miraculous adventures i can tell you now, and nonetheless. It's like i jump from different continents and become ten different people. To what excitement will my dreams hold tonight? I can only imagine. I am imagination so dream a little dream.

Well, i woke up this morning and realised i should get my va jay jay zapped for a hair removal treatment, le eyebrows waxed and a new fringe cut - looks like im on my way to being summer ready! Now all i need is a new bikini, cancel my gym membership and take a cruise on my new bicycle. I don't need a gym to exercise as im a lot more motivated by myself and being able to just get out in the open and do my own thing excites me a hell of a lot more. I chilled out for the most part of the day, listened to sum 41 and eric clapton (random i know) completed a quarter of the elephant puzzle, walked the dog, watched neighbours and figured out what im going to paint next. I am missing Rockhampton. I sigh at the thought of this. I never meant to meet anyone than a young lad tattooed up from Gympie steps into my rear view mirror so to speak and objects in the mirror are closer than they appear and now i just can't get enough. If i could offer you one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. Better put on my sunscreen (you to mister 'i wear a long sleeve shirt!') Im off to the beach tomorrow afternoon with my dad and the dog and whoever else wants to come, as the weather is just beautiful and im keen for some sunshine, exercise and a hit of vitamin d.

Rocky has turned out to be even better than i thought. Thank you Brisbane Electrical, im off to la la land to ride a big jet plane and im not coming back! (not for a few hours, please, we have tales to travel upon)

Until the stars fall, i cherish the thought,

JP xx

PS: a kiss is a peculiar proposition... and proposition me you did!

I think i've had enough

I think i've finally had enough and the saying "Life is long if you know how to use it, springs to mind, well okay Seneca, you've got me again. We live our lives each day wanting more and more. It's not that we aren't satisfied with what we have, we yearn for peace, love and adventure. I love the ambitious nature humans hold - without it we wouldn't be where we are today. The technological advances in our society would cease to be but a dream. As human beings we live and learn, make mistakes and justify our actions, or why a person treats you the way they do. We sleep either too much or not enough and let peoples negative comments take a hold of us and bring us down. We forget that each of us have our own stories, our own little dark secrets we hide from others. At times, these secrets creep up on you in the most unexpected ways and you share them without even thinking to your surprise or dismay. Maybe you weren't over it as much as you thought or perhaps you just needed to share it, to show that person you've also been in the same situation and empathise with them. It's amazing how differently people act to the same secret you hold. For me i was devastated and hurt. My heart ached and i wasn't right for a few months even though i'd made the right decision, where as another person in the same situation merely blurts it out without a thought of who was around her like she was spitting on the pavement.

I believe we should all be a little more sensitive and give people the space they desire. I've just spent a good few weeks up in Rockhampton writing, sleeping, shopping and drinking cocktails. I met a few interesting folk nonetheless (country towns - gotta love the country folk). I saw a few faces i met last time and tried to focus on myself. I must admit, i got a little bored at times and missed my family and friends. Its not that i wanted to come home, i just wanted to see the faces of people that know me through and through and of course my little dog Jenna. Im lucky to have the friends in my life that i do, that noticed when i was down. Even though i felt miles away just a few simple messages and phone calls picked me right back up. Now i'm home, im missing Rockhampton, or at least whats in Rocky. On my last day a friend took me to Nandos (because who doesn't love nandos?) and then we went for a drive out to Yeppoon to the beach. I didn't realise it before but the beach was closer than i thought.  For the first day of Spring, the weather couldn't have been better, it was so nice, and the company made my day.. Its nice to go to another town and meet new people that you get along with that don't really live so far away from your own home. Ah the serenity of good food and such a pretty beach. It got me wondering, why stress over the people that don't care about you in the same way? Forget it, i say.

IT KIND OF SUCKED having to come home for i really enjoy his company. I guess i have other reasons to go to Rocky now. I think i've definitely had enough of people who are constantly trying to prove themselves that they are 'cool'. Open your eyes and look in the mirror, whats behind all the make up? Honestly, it drives me up the wall when people give you unwarranted opinions and try and tell you how to live your life when they've only just met you. Anyway, this is just something short for i have a puzzle to get back to and headache pills to take. Until the stars fall, ignorance is bliss.

JP

29/08/12

29/08/12

How do we do? – Good morning world it’s a brand new day.

How do we do today? It seems like a fairly straightforward question, yet when asked all I can muster is a simple ‘okay.’ The personal calling me on the other line knows better. They know for a fact I’m not doing too well, otherwise I would brightly chime in with a ‘yeah I’m good, how are you?’ without a moments silence. Forgive me, I’m hopeful.

Where am I? Who am I? As human beings we are so ambitious. It may seem a little played out but no matter how you get there life has a way of finding you. I’m in Rockhampton hanging out, writing (a lot) and doing my own thing. I got my nails done yesterday, went shopping, saw the movie ‘The Campaign’ with a few friends and stayed up all night contemplating the subtleties of human existence, or watching One Tree Hill and Breaking Bad as matter of fact. Against all odds and against all obstacles human beings find a way. We are so ambitious, we spend the most part wanting, wishing and dreaming, and as long as we do it with a bit of integrity, and don’t let the failures diminish our spirit we get there in the end.

The phone rang and I dreamt I was in my room. Somewhere in the world a child Is being born, whilst another is losing their will to live. I’ve been reading some of Bukowskis poetry and prose on the verandah in the afternoons to let the time pass by as I wrote my own words and thoughts and dream of being at home.

In his poem ‘Mind and Heart’ he writes “peace of mind and heart arrives when we accept what is: having been born into this strange life we must accept the wasted gamble of our days and take some satisfaction in the pleasure of leaving it all behind. Cry not for me. Grieve not for me. Read what I’ve written then forget it all. Drink from the well of your self and begin again.” I sit on this single bed sucking on a lollipop noticing how I’m feeling. It’s really hot in here and all I want to do is write. I’m ready to come home but a whole part of me wants to stay away. Although some people are missing me so I better go home for a little while and see some friendly faces. 

Bruises slowly fading

I find myself sitting alone on the verandah out in the crisp air with only the moonlight, to help brighten up this night. I don’t know what to believe anymore; except for that I know what I am doing is right. I find myself in a deep, dark place contemplating as my fingers hover above the keyboard keys, each shake tingling my hands as if controlled by a master musician, a puppeteer on string, crafting this clever plan, misguiding me and allowing me to fall deeper in this hole. If only I had no emotion. Give me a blank slate and spare me from your pretentious tidings. Show me what I mean to you and be the person I know you can be because I’ve seen it. I’m tired of silly games; late night text messaging and facebook poke after facebook poke. I was here and am here but for what? You know, I ask myself this question each evening before I close my eyes to sleep. How frustrating it is, when all you want to do is hear from the one person who knows they will make you smile if they text and say ‘I care’, yet you never get the memo. You always seem to hear from everyone else, or past interests/flings, ex partners, old friends and never the person you’d most like to hear from. If only they knew the power one simple message could do. I’m glad I’m not at home although I am missing my mum and my beautiful dog, oh and of course not to forget a few of my best girl friends. There’s been many a struggles I’ve endured and through thick and thin they’ve shown me the respect and decency, offered their honest opinion (whether I like it or not) and been there with open arms for comfort. I’m a big girl and I can handle it when I make the wrong choices and steer down the wrong path.  Right now, I wish I could turn off my emotions and turn off my mind. Im not in my own bed and my own space but im in another city with the same old tired and weary face. I feel like I’ve wasted my time in supporting a friend I really care about. Why do I care so much when I’m not offered any kind of support myself, or even a phone call or text message yet I hear how they’re doing from somebody else. Quite frankly, I’d rather have not known.

Shrug it off cos’ shit aint worth it. I need to sleep. These late nights are doing my head in. The headaches are continuing and the bruises slowly fading. 

Sing for a Moment

“…and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart, I carry your heart, (I carry it in my heart).” E.E. Cummings.

Of the many different quotes you find on websites about life, love, relationships, emotions, integrity, feelings and the list goes on, this one has stuck with me since I was 15 years old. Edward Estlin Cummings was a writer, a poet, and an artist. He wrote a poem titled “I carry your heart” and ever since I read it, the words have struck an endless chord not only in my heart but my mind about my family and friends and the people or animal that have meant something to me in my life. It reminds me to be thankful and grateful for the people you have in your life, and the animals you have the opportunity to love and care for, the people and animals that light up every second of the day as the thought of them sweeps through your mind.

I’ve been spending quite a lot of time alone lately and with two of my beautiful girlfriends. It’s so hard sometimes in the busyness of life to get a spare moment to yourself or with your friends to truly relax and unwind, and since I won’t be here for a while I need to see them. Right now I feel I’m on a journey to finding more about what I truly love and myself. Life has been love and loss yet an enlightening journey nonetheless and since it’s August already of 2012 I’m being selfish and doing more for me. When you have one shot and one opportunity you need to capture it, and not let it slip away. I’m trying my best with whatever comes my way, meeting new people, working on my book (now that’s always fun) and being less cautious and losing myself. There are always going to be good and bad days, that’s just how it goes so I’m trying to just go with it and not worry so much about things I cannot change or do anything about. I can be reckless at times, (I’m getting better as everything settles down) yet I figure no one really actually gives a shit about what you do, where you come from and who you’re going to be – I mean success is the only option but to me there are different kinds of success, and everyone’s own interpretation of what it means to be successful is different. Although things aren’t the greatest, I’m not always content with what I’m doing and I flip out and get anxious and have a panic attack in the middle of the shopping centre, I am pretty happy with how my life is going but I feel something is missing. Not to worry though, it is a journey and the next few weeks it will be nice to just be somewhere different and do some different things a little out of the ordinary with new people. Strangers are just friends waiting to happen, and ps: $10 cocktails im in love and pretending I’m a pilot in a big jet plane, well that’s a given, I love flying if only I could be in the aviation industry.

Until the stars fall…

I told you I had to let go and when you have time to yourself its always a time to reflect and give yourself some clarity in your thoughts and regroup. Sometimes I just want to hold you, it’s been well over a year but I still feel the same and I know time will heal the scars left from you. Forward is the only direction from here yet it feels like I’m sitting on a train seat going backward as the train moves forward but everything rushes past you. There is no ordinary world, for the world was built to develop character. My imagination, oh what mysteries will you conjure, what stories will you tell? Shed light upon this darkened night and release me oh please tell me of the beauty for I see a better face, show me how to dream and discover my magical place..

JP XX

Early morning wonders

When you are feeling down, do not sit there and swallow yourself up in your own pity and cry a pity party inviting all but one - you. Don't compare yourself to other people because you're creating you're skewed perceptions and assumptions about a reality you know nothing of, but merely fantasised about in your own head. Welcome, to an early tuesday morning rant. 

It's not like you ever imagine your life to be bad and strive for the worst case scenario, sometimes it just happens. On the flip side, it's not like you imagine everything will fall into place and you don't have a worry in the world.  I guess this whole 'living each day as it comes' thing really does you wonders. You never know what a new day will bring, the people you'll meet and what you will get up to. I had a quiet day trying to figure out what on earth i'm going to do with the painting i stuffed up... oh creative mind i need you! Please don't fail me now. Nevertheless, i did some location scouting for my photo shoot next week, researched into my tattoo design ideas, worked on a puzzle, had a luscious roast lamb and veggies for dinner my brother cooked, saw a friend and had a laugh watching family guy and yet again received more inspiration for my novel. Everywhere i go and in everything i do lately these ideas rapidly race through my mind and i quickly grab out my phone, take a snapshot of where i am, jot down some notes in my memo folder or put pen to paper in an exercise book i carry around. Sometimes ideas come from a simple image of something, a car, or the way a person smells and what they say, or even a certain colour. Red is the inspiration for today. I love the feeling of having ideas and being creative again and not feeling pressured to create something on a deadline, like with university projects and assignments, they were always by the deadline where as with my novel its self paced and all my own. I wrote some scenes last night till early hours of the morning, i could have almost watched the sun rise, but tonight i'll have to get some zzz's eventually. They say beauty is only skin deep and ugly goes clean to the bone, and dam right you don't want to be on the end of a woman who hasn't had enough sleep. (Sorry mum). I don't mean to be a moody bitch it just spills out of me and unfortunately my family seem to be the ones at the end of it since i live with them. I blame my hormones, there a little all over the place but im learning to work with them and take it in my stride. 

I just noticed this peculiar feeling. A few butterflies fluttering around in my tummy, but very happy ones. I'm feeling so relaxed and at ease that i finally feel myself moving forward. Last night as i wrote down scenes for the book there were a few feelings of doubt and uncertainty, apprehension and naivety of regretful feelings (if that makes sense, it is quite early in the morning) that i brought to the surface. I had a few tears in my eyes writing a certain scene that struck a chord deep in my hearts wounds. I figured though, i have a story to tell and share with the world and this is the way i'd like to do it. Sure, i have my paintings, my poetry and prose and filmmaking capabilities yet this just feels right. Finding the right way to express your emotions and your story can also be a process. There are many different ways we can express our uniqueness and individuality - who we are as human beings and i believe writing is for me. I want to write out of my hurt and how to make this hurt okay, because i know i'm not the only person who has ever felt this way. For my novel: the truth about what happened between Alex and Taylor. How much it hurt her not to tell him the truth and how each day passes by and she wonders what could have been and what his reaction would  have been. The biggest and hardest decision, she grew up instantly. The thoughts that ran through her mind ticked over like a time bomb. Her chest sunk in, she fell to her knees onto the cold, hard floor and balled her eyes out, tears streamed down the sides of her cheeks, worry filled her heart and a sickness enveloped her stomach and created a gaping hole. She didn’t know what to feel except that it wasn’t how she wanted it or imagined it to be. Writing is one of those things where the experiences that have happened to you create a grounding of where to start. Write what you know, they say. It's not as easy as it seems. I always think you know about the difference between men and women. Women talk about their emotions and go through the motions of dealing through things with their words. They focus on it, how it made them feel, why this and that happened and so on and then put it into their emotional vault and seal it away never to resurface again, or at least if it does, it simply becomes a memory but the agony and hurt felt at the time doesn't rekindle. Men deal with their emotions differently. Our emotional state often dictates how we behave. Men and women may handle emotions in quite different ways. From what i gather from experiences, men sort of hide their emotions and withdraw because they feel the need to be self-reliant of their family and their loved ones. No wonder men are from mars and women are from venus, because we really are different creatures and handle things in our own unique ways. Neither is better nor worse. Having to bring old memories to the surface for the books sake and for different characters, its kind of interesting to note how i've dealt with those past experiences and if i truly have moved on or not. Even though emotions such as anger and fear aren't as readily accepted in society, it is perfectly normal to feel those things and basically apart of being human. I'm happy that i have experienced a whirlwind of emotions i can delve back into and bring them to light. Nobody's perfect, it's time we be real. 

I have a lot of exciting things to look forward to in the upcoming weeks therefore a positive mindset and my health (that of which i must stay on top of if i want to get anywhere) is a must. I have a few photo shoots, appointments i'm dealing with before summer hits, purchasing a new bike and embarking on a road trip up the north coast to Townsville. Im looking forward to getting the camera out and being in front of it, and behind it once again. Now, i do realise my blogs are a little 'here' and 'there' but amongst writing and developing my book i will aim to focus on my blog a lot more. 

My thought for the week this week leads me to Aristotle and his discussions on Morality and Happiness. 

Like Plato, Aristotle believes that the 'good of the many, outweigh the good of the few.' Amidst living in a completely different society where technology seems to rule the roost i still believe this to be true, however, one must take care of the individual (yourself) and when lots of people take care of themselves, then the good of the many will outweigh the few who don't look after themselves. I like to read philosophy and the view of those before our time, because the thoughts of the great thinkers still hold so much relativity in today's society. Nevertheless, happiness is sometimes but a tear drop away. 

Aristotle believes that living involves activity motivated by desire, and pleasure follows successful activity. Here, here to that! 

until the stars fall... jp x