I've created a dream box - inside it holds my hopes and dreams. It represents me from the inside/out and holds treasures only i know what they mean. Its my second dream box considering my first was a complete failure - the materials didn't last long so i upgraded and recreated it, better than the first. Its like Woody Allen says "if you don't fail now and again it's a sign your playing it safe!" I do know that no one knows what it looks like, what it holds, what it means, however if you know me and you want to openly get to know me, little by little you will see what my dream box really means and how it represents me. I opened my dream box tonight and as i pulled out the components individually, a smile drew across my face. I was happy. Sure, things are on my mind, but when aren't they? I rarely sleep a full nights sleep, i'm awaken so easily, however i used to sleep like a baby at Harleys even though he would snore like a chopper! Perhaps i should read a book before bed to relax my mind and ease into a deep sleep.
Its difficult letting go of things you become attached to. My ex still crosses my mind and i do miss him and only want for him to be happy. I'm told i should be a little more selfish and focus on me, so i am. Ha, i just opened my top desk drawer and found my old 'Journey' book from grade 11. I used to write random quotes, sayings, diary entries etc into it and i completely forgot it was in there. On May 16th 2005, i wrote "when we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life" -- Greg Anderson. I haven't heard a saying like that in a while, and sometimes it's these kinds of sayings that wake us up to realise, hey focus on you! hmmm what does life mean to me? Changing what i can, accepting what i cant and having the wisdom to know the difference. It is possible to keep things in perspective, you just have to practice. All these little things i wrote in the
'journey' book in senior school, how interesting... hey just found a poem i wrote...
A Memory (2005) COPYRIGHT JODIE STEWART
That moment of eternity that touches one so deep,
shining lights, a thousand cries, ones dream.
Perpetuity, one moment, the stem to the rose,
Endless days of love and passion, nurture and growth.
Bring to life a dull like madness churning deep within
Yet to shine, single moments, one dream.
Flying, high above, doubts and nerves expected,
laughter, tears of joy and hate, various emotions.
That triumph of a job well done, will there be anymore?
Everlasting hope, a thousand dreams, an act?
One place, one hope, one timeless journey,
one that forever ends...
a journey through the past of a time on stage, i shall not forget.
Music: My only Hope (2oo5) COPYRIGHT JODIE STEWART
Sitting in a corner down a deserted alleyway,
the fear of loss and loneliness creeps slowly down my spine,
Endless sounds of crying cats and howling dogs around me,
fears yet non-stop thoughts of isolation; just a dream.
No roof, no shelter, my absent mind is led astray,
the ticking of one thousand clocks whispering through the wind.
Falling rain, a surge of emotion, drowning beneath a pool,
Scars and bruises fading but the pain remains; mindless fool.
Abandoned from childish games, ruins to explore
tears flow from darkened eyes, hatred builds within.
One thing saves me from this fight, a sound heard from afar
Powerful essence fills the alleyway, the strumming of ones guitar.
Touch of music in the distance, reverberates through a lost soul,
electric sensations, hearts racing, a voice within.
Time travels fast, i awaken and it's all a dream,
guitar beside me...one strum to go, pathetic it may seem.
Alleyway is my home, where i bleed my heart and soul,
through music, my old guitar, mighty hope.
To sit and busk my way through life a thick skin needs shedding,
it's tough! hard to crack, tired of this setting.
At the dawn of dusk, i lay to weep.
Shed my light, hope and dream.
There is nothing more wonderful, than what it feels like to be in the presence of such beauty, wisdom and grace.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Easier SAID than done...
Hold me like before, hold me like you used to, control me like you used to. Okay, Saturday afternoon and the weather is B-E-A UTIFUL! My spoodle is staring at me through the window and there's a group of kids playing handball on the street. I'm listening to Seth Sentry, The waitress song..
and devouring a punnet of strawberries. Half dressed and my mind is racing.
Quite frankly, i'm tired of going in circles and never being able to walk in a straight line. Today it seems so simple to me to trust yourself and the decisions you make. I, myself have learnt from different experiences how to adjust to different circumstances and can quickly identify how i react to something and why. Maybe this is what they call growing up? No. Its more than that. Emotional IQ is something learned. To understand someone elses difficulties and fears etc, you need to understand yourself. Otherwise, how can we be empathetic towards another?
Opening your heart and trusting someone completely is an interesting, complex, exciting, nerve racking road to either an incredibly satisfying and honest relationship, or a miserable and stressful downpour. hmmm. Ive trusted my friend completely and he loves me for who i am, and what i can be. Not anyone else. So why now, to someone i like do i know he doesn't deserve me, but never feel good enough for him. An interesting contradiction i guess - a) i fitted him into the typical stereotype of a 'party' boy and b) 'party' boys like girls who start trouble, (for what its worth i have no idea) who get drunk and party like them. Girls will be girls and boys will be boys. Why do girls have to start things for no reason and talk, talk, talk? I've never been trouble, i've only been me and honesty is something i strive to continue however at times its very hard, especially being honest to people you extremely care about because no one wants to hurt someone but truth is everybody hurts.
I don't understand why someone can be so afraid of commitment? Fear is a hurdle that's difficult to jump. Once you have the courage and strength to do it (whatever it is) it becomes easier and easier. As we grow up we build upon relationships and they fall down around us. People walk in and out of our lives only for a season but there's those that leave footprints on your heart.
So the next song plays on my itunes... Old Man River, Your on my mind... Yet, another song that reminds me of this person who i will nickname 'Harley.' There is no point in wondering why, and there is no cure that i wont try to get over you, because at the end of the day im not sure your worth it. My mind says you are but my heart is tired of games. How can someone expect you to wait around until they are 'ready' - sure i understand fear, i understand being afraid but its okay to be afraid and its okay to hurt someone but how do we know whats going to happen if no one takes a chance. The biggest mistake in life is fearing that we will make a mistake. True, but why? Because living fearless makes life worth so much more and enables us to gain alot more experience that in the long run, we might be able to pass down and share with others.
Ou Est Le Swimming Pool - Dance the way i feel!
This song played in Sin City on Monday night and i went crazy! Maybe because the band name is French, maybe because i do push ups in my underwear to this song, or maybe its just an awesome song that tells me to relax and let my hair down every now and then. These strawberries are delicious. See, we must appreciate the simple things in life like a beautiful sunset, delicious food and when a stranger smiles. Although i haven't been well today, im feeling good about the coming week ahead. My birthday is literally around the corner so let's see if i feel any different. I had an amazing night last night seeing a new band with a friend i haven't had the chance to hang out with before, and finally feeling like me again.
This journey back to being myself again has thrown rocks in all shapes and sizes left, right and centre but i think i handled it quite well. Finally, i don't have chronic tonsillitis so im no longer on a million different antibiotics that do nothing to help. Im seeing some old friends and not putting up with shit. I've met some new people and realised who really doesn't matter anymore.
To be yourself in a world that's constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. Ralph Waldo Emerson
and devouring a punnet of strawberries. Half dressed and my mind is racing.
Quite frankly, i'm tired of going in circles and never being able to walk in a straight line. Today it seems so simple to me to trust yourself and the decisions you make. I, myself have learnt from different experiences how to adjust to different circumstances and can quickly identify how i react to something and why. Maybe this is what they call growing up? No. Its more than that. Emotional IQ is something learned. To understand someone elses difficulties and fears etc, you need to understand yourself. Otherwise, how can we be empathetic towards another?
Opening your heart and trusting someone completely is an interesting, complex, exciting, nerve racking road to either an incredibly satisfying and honest relationship, or a miserable and stressful downpour. hmmm. Ive trusted my friend completely and he loves me for who i am, and what i can be. Not anyone else. So why now, to someone i like do i know he doesn't deserve me, but never feel good enough for him. An interesting contradiction i guess - a) i fitted him into the typical stereotype of a 'party' boy and b) 'party' boys like girls who start trouble, (for what its worth i have no idea) who get drunk and party like them. Girls will be girls and boys will be boys. Why do girls have to start things for no reason and talk, talk, talk? I've never been trouble, i've only been me and honesty is something i strive to continue however at times its very hard, especially being honest to people you extremely care about because no one wants to hurt someone but truth is everybody hurts.
I don't understand why someone can be so afraid of commitment? Fear is a hurdle that's difficult to jump. Once you have the courage and strength to do it (whatever it is) it becomes easier and easier. As we grow up we build upon relationships and they fall down around us. People walk in and out of our lives only for a season but there's those that leave footprints on your heart.
So the next song plays on my itunes... Old Man River, Your on my mind... Yet, another song that reminds me of this person who i will nickname 'Harley.' There is no point in wondering why, and there is no cure that i wont try to get over you, because at the end of the day im not sure your worth it. My mind says you are but my heart is tired of games. How can someone expect you to wait around until they are 'ready' - sure i understand fear, i understand being afraid but its okay to be afraid and its okay to hurt someone but how do we know whats going to happen if no one takes a chance. The biggest mistake in life is fearing that we will make a mistake. True, but why? Because living fearless makes life worth so much more and enables us to gain alot more experience that in the long run, we might be able to pass down and share with others.
Ou Est Le Swimming Pool - Dance the way i feel!
This song played in Sin City on Monday night and i went crazy! Maybe because the band name is French, maybe because i do push ups in my underwear to this song, or maybe its just an awesome song that tells me to relax and let my hair down every now and then. These strawberries are delicious. See, we must appreciate the simple things in life like a beautiful sunset, delicious food and when a stranger smiles. Although i haven't been well today, im feeling good about the coming week ahead. My birthday is literally around the corner so let's see if i feel any different. I had an amazing night last night seeing a new band with a friend i haven't had the chance to hang out with before, and finally feeling like me again.
This journey back to being myself again has thrown rocks in all shapes and sizes left, right and centre but i think i handled it quite well. Finally, i don't have chronic tonsillitis so im no longer on a million different antibiotics that do nothing to help. Im seeing some old friends and not putting up with shit. I've met some new people and realised who really doesn't matter anymore.
To be yourself in a world that's constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Monday, July 26, 2010
eyes wide shut
As a young person about to turn 21 and moving into the 'adult' world so to speak, it's interesting to note the types of groups people segment us all into. Depending on the way we look, talk, think and act depends on the type of person we are ect. ect. and interestingly enough, how we've been brought up, the people we associate ourselves with and so on has an affect on the way we lead life ourselves and what is important to us. Throughout ancient history this is pretty much how life was led. Those who were supposedly witches were burnt at the stake. If you didn't care about politics you were ostracised from society and deemed unworthy. If someone made a stand and said something out of the ordinary they were shunned. So what determines what is right and what is wrong? Who decides on whats the best thing to say in certain situations, hows the 'right' way to act?
Philosophers over many generations sat down and thought about these kind of simple statements and created arguments about them. Depending on the 'philosophy' they followed, depended on the way their arguments were carried out.
Epicurus - His world-view is an optimistic one that stresses that philosophy can liberate one from fears of death and the supernatural, and can teach us how to find happiness in almost any situation.
This philosopher is the first that always springs to mind! Lucky enough to have heard about him in senior ancient history, and then to learn his philosophy in uni, i find him intriguing.
Im not going to spend all night explaining different philosophies and how i interpret them, or what i exactly get from reading about them but i will say this. ---- always be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of anyone else. Stop trying to be someone else, and live up to someone elses standards because each of us have experienced what we know of life so far, differently. Don't regret. Learn from mistakes and accept when you are wrong. I'm energetic, erratic, anxious, independent, worthy, strong, loyal, loving, empathetic, crazy and a little selfish. A roller coaster ride so enjoy it! You never know when your experiences can help someone else and this i've definitely learned lately. ----
On another note. I'm tired of not being told things fair and square. There's always beacons of hope in everything we do. But im not sue whats happening. Usually i only give people one chance to be my friend or lover and if it doesn't work out i don't go back. There's an interesting saying, "when you grab something, grab it. When you let it go, let it go" Simple yet true. I believe the right decision will be made eventually but i can't wait around for nothing. I used to struggle with knowing how i feel about something 100% and i couldn't talk to my partner at the time about it. I needed nearly two weeks to figure out in my head what was going on. The main response i could give to someone questioning me was 'i dunno..' - This however is a slack attempt where your mind simply gives up and can't be bothered so to speak. It takes alot of strength and courage to tell someone the truth and be 100% HONEST. Everyone is going to hurt someone. Ive broken peoples hearts and my heart in turn has been broken. A sunset eventually turns into a sunrise - Same place, different setting. I can't stress enough to people the importance of honesty and not being afraid to give yourself to someone. The past few months have been difficult for me and i admit it. I tried to make things seem better than what they were and held hope in my heart for the people i really care about. Today? I need to know 100%.
Philosophers over many generations sat down and thought about these kind of simple statements and created arguments about them. Depending on the 'philosophy' they followed, depended on the way their arguments were carried out.
Epicurus - His world-view is an optimistic one that stresses that philosophy can liberate one from fears of death and the supernatural, and can teach us how to find happiness in almost any situation.
This philosopher is the first that always springs to mind! Lucky enough to have heard about him in senior ancient history, and then to learn his philosophy in uni, i find him intriguing.
Im not going to spend all night explaining different philosophies and how i interpret them, or what i exactly get from reading about them but i will say this. ---- always be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of anyone else. Stop trying to be someone else, and live up to someone elses standards because each of us have experienced what we know of life so far, differently. Don't regret. Learn from mistakes and accept when you are wrong. I'm energetic, erratic, anxious, independent, worthy, strong, loyal, loving, empathetic, crazy and a little selfish. A roller coaster ride so enjoy it! You never know when your experiences can help someone else and this i've definitely learned lately. ----
On another note. I'm tired of not being told things fair and square. There's always beacons of hope in everything we do. But im not sue whats happening. Usually i only give people one chance to be my friend or lover and if it doesn't work out i don't go back. There's an interesting saying, "when you grab something, grab it. When you let it go, let it go" Simple yet true. I believe the right decision will be made eventually but i can't wait around for nothing. I used to struggle with knowing how i feel about something 100% and i couldn't talk to my partner at the time about it. I needed nearly two weeks to figure out in my head what was going on. The main response i could give to someone questioning me was 'i dunno..' - This however is a slack attempt where your mind simply gives up and can't be bothered so to speak. It takes alot of strength and courage to tell someone the truth and be 100% HONEST. Everyone is going to hurt someone. Ive broken peoples hearts and my heart in turn has been broken. A sunset eventually turns into a sunrise - Same place, different setting. I can't stress enough to people the importance of honesty and not being afraid to give yourself to someone. The past few months have been difficult for me and i admit it. I tried to make things seem better than what they were and held hope in my heart for the people i really care about. Today? I need to know 100%.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Une nouvelle vie à Paris
Translation - A new life in paris.
I am absolutely loving learning french and reading 'Almost French'. Its seductive, sultry, independent, eclectic and the list goes on. A beautiful contrast of cultural clashes and understanding between the way an aussie girl can walk to the bakers in her trackies, thongs and an old singlet where as a french lady wouldn't be caught dead in it. The french pride themselves in their appearances always. The way Sarah explains the characters she meets, how she starts to fit in and just how different her and Federic (her french husband she left Australia for a new life in Paris) really are. Its a beautiful story of love in a city where beauty never sleeps.
Nothing compares.
Im looking on the bright side of things lately. Everyone is really supportive and im meeting new people, and catching up with some old friends who i miss dearly. I believe this is an important time in my life to get back to the things i love and catch up with those ive drifted away from. Im really looking forward to seeing my first love tomorrow. Coffee and breakfast. A friendly catch up. Then perhaps off to a bush walk with the person i care most for in my life (beside mum of course) my besty. My mate. Hopefully the weather is good and we both feel like it! I am in need of some fresh open air and a good walk though. Good for the blood flow, good for my lungs and good for your heart. Definitely looking into doing an arts degree at uni majoring in film and im Sending off my volunteer application form for Australia Zoo. Need to spend some time emailing my family and some friends overseas to let them know whats been going on in my life. Its getting closer to me turning 21 and i really can't wait. Im not having a party, i cant afford it and quite frankly id rather save my money and spend it with people who want to spend my birthday with me, not just those who come for the free drinks and stay for the music. There not real friends, they are acquaintances. Those people you add on facebook and then just never say anything to (these people you should just delete)
Ill keep this note short tonight as i'm in need of a long hot shower and some decent shut eye. I wantd to share some interesting quotes ive been thinking about lately.
Life is meaningless only if we allow it to be. Each of us has the power to give life meaning, to make our time and our bodies and our words into instruments of love and hope.
- Tom Head
To wish you were someone else, is to waste the person you are
Now that is a very important one. As a female that grew up in the world of dance i always thought i had big legs and extra fat i guess. Simplest way to put it. And when i look at myself in the mirror i pretty much add 5 kgs and see something everyone else doesn't. I see the other girls at work with their smaller legs and smaller frame bodies but i need to realise thats them and this is me.
And lastly..
Just remember that when you grab something: grab it. When you let it go, let it go.
I am absolutely loving learning french and reading 'Almost French'. Its seductive, sultry, independent, eclectic and the list goes on. A beautiful contrast of cultural clashes and understanding between the way an aussie girl can walk to the bakers in her trackies, thongs and an old singlet where as a french lady wouldn't be caught dead in it. The french pride themselves in their appearances always. The way Sarah explains the characters she meets, how she starts to fit in and just how different her and Federic (her french husband she left Australia for a new life in Paris) really are. Its a beautiful story of love in a city where beauty never sleeps.
Nothing compares.
Im looking on the bright side of things lately. Everyone is really supportive and im meeting new people, and catching up with some old friends who i miss dearly. I believe this is an important time in my life to get back to the things i love and catch up with those ive drifted away from. Im really looking forward to seeing my first love tomorrow. Coffee and breakfast. A friendly catch up. Then perhaps off to a bush walk with the person i care most for in my life (beside mum of course) my besty. My mate. Hopefully the weather is good and we both feel like it! I am in need of some fresh open air and a good walk though. Good for the blood flow, good for my lungs and good for your heart. Definitely looking into doing an arts degree at uni majoring in film and im Sending off my volunteer application form for Australia Zoo. Need to spend some time emailing my family and some friends overseas to let them know whats been going on in my life. Its getting closer to me turning 21 and i really can't wait. Im not having a party, i cant afford it and quite frankly id rather save my money and spend it with people who want to spend my birthday with me, not just those who come for the free drinks and stay for the music. There not real friends, they are acquaintances. Those people you add on facebook and then just never say anything to (these people you should just delete)
Ill keep this note short tonight as i'm in need of a long hot shower and some decent shut eye. I wantd to share some interesting quotes ive been thinking about lately.
Life is meaningless only if we allow it to be. Each of us has the power to give life meaning, to make our time and our bodies and our words into instruments of love and hope.
- Tom Head
To wish you were someone else, is to waste the person you are
Now that is a very important one. As a female that grew up in the world of dance i always thought i had big legs and extra fat i guess. Simplest way to put it. And when i look at myself in the mirror i pretty much add 5 kgs and see something everyone else doesn't. I see the other girls at work with their smaller legs and smaller frame bodies but i need to realise thats them and this is me.
And lastly..
Just remember that when you grab something: grab it. When you let it go, let it go.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Be Passionate
Today was a good day - Perfect weather, smooth sailing programs and a great team to work with. I had a quick drive home and arrived with dinner just being served. I haven't had a day like this in a long time, and to be honest, it was unusually great. I spent the afternoon literally waiting for something to go wrong but everything turned out how i didn't expect it to. Tonight i've spent the night researching about banks, credit cards, jobs and university courses in the hope to find something that grabs my attention.
hmm... pleased with my findings i realise i just need money, whats new? Working with lions and elephants on a 'big 5' reserve in South Africa in Sidbury, near Port Elizabeth for AU$2299 for 2 weeks (minus flights, visas and insurance) but wow!! I would have the opportunity to experience life on a real game reserve, work with lions and elephants in the rehabilitation centre, hep orphaned and endangered species and see what its like to live in the African bush. Absolutely amazing. I've always wanted to travel to Africa and experience life in the bush with the 'big 5' surrounding me. Lions and tigers and bears oh my! I would be working 5 days a week, 7am to 5pm then i have free time on weekends for things like...heading to jeffreys bay and go diving with great white sharks, and watching the sunrise on the beach among other things. So all i need now is the funds! The prospect of this amazing adventure has given me the drive to volunteer finally at Australia Zoo to learn more about our zoo, help out and also get to know the elephants a little more ;). Ive been looking into selling my video camera for a while now..and the accessories that accompany it, to save some money and pay off some of that credit card debt. After my little trip helping lions and elephants i would then travel to Kenya for a week and try and get to the elephant orphanage in Nairobi and safari the serengetti in Tanzania. Then up to Egypt! There are so many amazing places in our world that i truly hope to discover. Ive even been researching into english language courses in France so i can gain a teaching qualification to teach people English and travel at the same time. Id choose france to do the certificate so i can travel france firstly:) Bon apres midi! parle vous anglais? oui! The french language is just gorgeous and it is the city of seduction, love, art, wine and the list goes on. Not to mention the culture and history to be discovered.
Virgin blue emailed me today and unfortunately i didn't progress through to the next stage of the interviewing process, and nevertheless i cannot apply for 12 months. Because of this i am reverting to plan b which is continue dancing, and head back to uni to finish my degree (or at least change my degree but major in film and television). At least there were some positive outcomes from the past few days, and its all to do with that little thing called attitude.
My goals?
Continue to stay positive and remember when the going gets tough the tough get going so stick things out and realise that you cant change events but u can always shape the way u act about them or react to them.
Volunteer at Australia Zoo (do a Rhino encounter)
Save save save and pay off that debt!!
hmm... pleased with my findings i realise i just need money, whats new? Working with lions and elephants on a 'big 5' reserve in South Africa in Sidbury, near Port Elizabeth for AU$2299 for 2 weeks (minus flights, visas and insurance) but wow!! I would have the opportunity to experience life on a real game reserve, work with lions and elephants in the rehabilitation centre, hep orphaned and endangered species and see what its like to live in the African bush. Absolutely amazing. I've always wanted to travel to Africa and experience life in the bush with the 'big 5' surrounding me. Lions and tigers and bears oh my! I would be working 5 days a week, 7am to 5pm then i have free time on weekends for things like...heading to jeffreys bay and go diving with great white sharks, and watching the sunrise on the beach among other things. So all i need now is the funds! The prospect of this amazing adventure has given me the drive to volunteer finally at Australia Zoo to learn more about our zoo, help out and also get to know the elephants a little more ;). Ive been looking into selling my video camera for a while now..and the accessories that accompany it, to save some money and pay off some of that credit card debt. After my little trip helping lions and elephants i would then travel to Kenya for a week and try and get to the elephant orphanage in Nairobi and safari the serengetti in Tanzania. Then up to Egypt! There are so many amazing places in our world that i truly hope to discover. Ive even been researching into english language courses in France so i can gain a teaching qualification to teach people English and travel at the same time. Id choose france to do the certificate so i can travel france firstly:) Bon apres midi! parle vous anglais? oui! The french language is just gorgeous and it is the city of seduction, love, art, wine and the list goes on. Not to mention the culture and history to be discovered.
Virgin blue emailed me today and unfortunately i didn't progress through to the next stage of the interviewing process, and nevertheless i cannot apply for 12 months. Because of this i am reverting to plan b which is continue dancing, and head back to uni to finish my degree (or at least change my degree but major in film and television). At least there were some positive outcomes from the past few days, and its all to do with that little thing called attitude.
My goals?
Continue to stay positive and remember when the going gets tough the tough get going so stick things out and realise that you cant change events but u can always shape the way u act about them or react to them.
Volunteer at Australia Zoo (do a Rhino encounter)
Save save save and pay off that debt!!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Isn't she lovely.
Stevie wonder. This was the song that played on the radio when my mum held me for the very first time in hospital after an emergency caesarean. Isn't she lovely. Isn't she wonderful. I can only imagine what it must of been like to hold your daughter for the very first time. Made from love, so very happy. This song played on the radio this afternoon as I headed to my bestys house. This song brings tears to my mums eyes because it was such a happy moment for her. It reminded me of driving up mount tambourine with my mum beside me singing away and loving every minute of it. It's thanks to my mum I am the woman I am today. Although I have learned alot of things myself along the way, she has taught me the language of love, caring and understandng, empathy, patience and the list goes on. I only hope that someday I have the same special bond with my daughter as i do with my mum. Its one of the most important things in my life and today my change in attitude demonstrated this.
I said I wouldn't contradict myself and today I didn't. We are in charge of our actions and how we react to things. Don't let trivial matters affect you because in the end it doesn't matter. The people we surround ourselves with everyday make an impression on us that you can take in account or ignore. Right now I'm typing this on my iPhone and having extreme difficulty spelling correctly. The f1 is on and the people I'm with are pretty silent ATM and doing there own thing. The race starts in about 5 mins so I though I'd do some blogging whilst I wait.
I said I wouldn't contradict myself and today I didn't. We are in charge of our actions and how we react to things. Don't let trivial matters affect you because in the end it doesn't matter. The people we surround ourselves with everyday make an impression on us that you can take in account or ignore. Right now I'm typing this on my iPhone and having extreme difficulty spelling correctly. The f1 is on and the people I'm with are pretty silent ATM and doing there own thing. The race starts in about 5 mins so I though I'd do some blogging whilst I wait.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Long Road to Ruin
Ironic isn't it? I woke up this morning feeling so good about the day ahead considering last nights blog post and began a new read - Sarah Turnbulls Almost French.
To recap, last nights post was all about attitude and my attitude to life. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% the way you react to it. Today i learned that this wasn't as easy as i thought demonstrated by my actions i.e. me being completely stand offish, reserved and quiet at work. This leads me to thinking about my best friend. My world. Without him, i am lost. He knows more about me than anyone else. He understands me and helps me figure out where i take the wrong turn and exactly what leads me there. Through my past relationships he has seen me at the best of times and the worst of times as a moody, self righteous lost little soul to the confident girl i know i can be.
Today, with him, i was lost for words. Like a guitar out of tune a chord struck deeply in my stomach that reverberated through my entire body. The breath in my chest rung silently and each beat of my heart echoed in the background. My mind told me to speak and tell him what was going on but my mouth zipped tightly! urgh...and as i walked back to the cove i had tears down my cheeks and i realised i just completely contradicted myself - yet again. A trait of mine that he so kindly told me:P
Another thing i completely did today is that i over reacted to my brother over a can of v. What is that? You know when your confidence feels stripped bare. Your running on empty. Clean to the bone. Yeah. That's how i felt today - very unlike me. So to this my brother said 'So, you will always have people who love you.' My half brothers besty in melbourne said 'Embrace it, times like these - be alone , think and do something you wouldn't normally do, listen to really loud music and then come back to being the wonderful confident social person you are!!! X x' I thought that was pretty amazing. She has met me all for two hours, but i feel like i've known her for years. A good feeling to have. There was a time two/three months ago where i had so much confidence i was on fire. I walked around with my head held high, ate healthy, spent time with my dog and exercised, rode my bike ect. I was dancing and feeling great and i told my best friend everything - I still do. I am honest with him eventually about things. I use the word eventually because before i converse with him, i need to sort it through my head and give myself time to let it sit. One thing previous people haven't understood. When i'm upset, i can't always talk about but i will eventually.
I am ready for a change in my life and i can only make this change myself. Ironic! I think i'm ready for another photo shoot. Bare myself and my emotions to all. If i don't get the job i applied for i've got a plan b - go back to uni, finish my degree and continue to keep saving for Egypt. Dance (well, dance is part of plan a anyway) i just need help organising a schedule. When i'm exercising, i'm alot more relaxed - it is my stress relief. Hopefully i get my own pole for my 21st. That would be the best. And the other best present i could ever have is to sit next to my best friend and watch brisbane roar play gold coast united and united winning 3-1. yew!
A poem by E.E CUMMINGS dedicated to my best friend. I love you.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Edward Estlin Cummings
You brought me to life and showed me what its like to be me. Forever in my heart i thank you. To irony I raise my glass and say fuck it. Kinda like when peter griffin says 'fuckaugh'. I think to much, yes. But i feel better that at least i can understand the way i'm feeling and whats brought me to it.
10% what happens, 90% the way you react to it. hmmm. Ill keep trying! I did realise something else today to... i become completely reserved and closed in when i meet other females that i don't really know. Because i dont know them i have difficulty conversing with them. When i meet someone im never completely out there and all 'hey look at me'. It takes a while for me to get to know someone and trust them. This i believe comes from my dance experiences. I realised this today and it made me shut off even more and i didnt know how to be myself. Tomorrow - a completely new day and different story where i won't contradict myself. I wont!
To recap, last nights post was all about attitude and my attitude to life. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% the way you react to it. Today i learned that this wasn't as easy as i thought demonstrated by my actions i.e. me being completely stand offish, reserved and quiet at work. This leads me to thinking about my best friend. My world. Without him, i am lost. He knows more about me than anyone else. He understands me and helps me figure out where i take the wrong turn and exactly what leads me there. Through my past relationships he has seen me at the best of times and the worst of times as a moody, self righteous lost little soul to the confident girl i know i can be.
Today, with him, i was lost for words. Like a guitar out of tune a chord struck deeply in my stomach that reverberated through my entire body. The breath in my chest rung silently and each beat of my heart echoed in the background. My mind told me to speak and tell him what was going on but my mouth zipped tightly! urgh...and as i walked back to the cove i had tears down my cheeks and i realised i just completely contradicted myself - yet again. A trait of mine that he so kindly told me:P
Another thing i completely did today is that i over reacted to my brother over a can of v. What is that? You know when your confidence feels stripped bare. Your running on empty. Clean to the bone. Yeah. That's how i felt today - very unlike me. So to this my brother said 'So, you will always have people who love you.' My half brothers besty in melbourne said 'Embrace it, times like these - be alone , think and do something you wouldn't normally do, listen to really loud music and then come back to being the wonderful confident social person you are!!! X x' I thought that was pretty amazing. She has met me all for two hours, but i feel like i've known her for years. A good feeling to have. There was a time two/three months ago where i had so much confidence i was on fire. I walked around with my head held high, ate healthy, spent time with my dog and exercised, rode my bike ect. I was dancing and feeling great and i told my best friend everything - I still do. I am honest with him eventually about things. I use the word eventually because before i converse with him, i need to sort it through my head and give myself time to let it sit. One thing previous people haven't understood. When i'm upset, i can't always talk about but i will eventually.
I am ready for a change in my life and i can only make this change myself. Ironic! I think i'm ready for another photo shoot. Bare myself and my emotions to all. If i don't get the job i applied for i've got a plan b - go back to uni, finish my degree and continue to keep saving for Egypt. Dance (well, dance is part of plan a anyway) i just need help organising a schedule. When i'm exercising, i'm alot more relaxed - it is my stress relief. Hopefully i get my own pole for my 21st. That would be the best. And the other best present i could ever have is to sit next to my best friend and watch brisbane roar play gold coast united and united winning 3-1. yew!
A poem by E.E CUMMINGS dedicated to my best friend. I love you.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Edward Estlin Cummings
You brought me to life and showed me what its like to be me. Forever in my heart i thank you. To irony I raise my glass and say fuck it. Kinda like when peter griffin says 'fuckaugh'. I think to much, yes. But i feel better that at least i can understand the way i'm feeling and whats brought me to it.
10% what happens, 90% the way you react to it. hmmm. Ill keep trying! I did realise something else today to... i become completely reserved and closed in when i meet other females that i don't really know. Because i dont know them i have difficulty conversing with them. When i meet someone im never completely out there and all 'hey look at me'. It takes a while for me to get to know someone and trust them. This i believe comes from my dance experiences. I realised this today and it made me shut off even more and i didnt know how to be myself. Tomorrow - a completely new day and different story where i won't contradict myself. I wont!
Friday, July 9, 2010
The Journey of Life
Monday. I have midweek days off so for most of you it's your Friday. Me, my Monday. The suns out which makes me feel alot better about the day already. It's windy and going to be so cold in the water, but I can't complain really... I'll be with dolphins, seals and rays. Still cold!
Alright, so clearly I was intending on publishing a blog before work this morning, then i received a phone call to say my co-worker has gone home sick - start normal time but only 3 staff. Usually we do need 4 but what a good day it turned out to be minus the random 2min downpour before the seal program - then complete sunshine. As lame as it sounds, it reminded me of the journey of life.
Our life takes us down many roads and within us is the capacity to express love, show compassion, share a magic moment and make a difference. True. But we also need to laugh at ourselves often, smile at a stranger, know that its okay to have a messy room and a messy house for that matter. We just need to live our lives the way we want to. When i'm old, i want to look back and be able to say yes there were alot of up and downs. I broke peoples hearts. My heart was broken. I lost friends, made new friends, had an enriching career. But most of all, I want to say i had fun along the way.
Its funny, you reflect back on things in your life that, at the time, were completely stressful, confusing and you just didn't get it. Now? i look back and laugh at how trivial matters became your worst nightmare for a day or two. Its like Forrest Gumps momma used to say - "lifes like a box of chocolates, you just never know which one your gonna get." Aint that the truth!
You know i realised something tonight. The more i live i realise the impact attitude has on your life. Attitude is more important than facts. More important than appearances, the past and the list goes on. In fact, 'Attitude' makes or breaks company. I make excuses alot of the time to why i don't do something, why i start something and then stop ect ect and im constantly reminded im doing this by my best friend. Its true what they say about your best friends...they know too much to let them go! If i had a positive, decent outlook on things and didn't give up at the first few signs of failure when something doesn't quite go to plan. I would never know where i would be today. Now i make a stand. If things suck, accept they suck. Harden up as they say. Live with it. My life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% the way i react to it. The same goes to you. We are in charge of our attitudes and today im going to be more in charge of mine. Heres to my first goal of the new financial year! Attitude!
Alright, so clearly I was intending on publishing a blog before work this morning, then i received a phone call to say my co-worker has gone home sick - start normal time but only 3 staff. Usually we do need 4 but what a good day it turned out to be minus the random 2min downpour before the seal program - then complete sunshine. As lame as it sounds, it reminded me of the journey of life.
Our life takes us down many roads and within us is the capacity to express love, show compassion, share a magic moment and make a difference. True. But we also need to laugh at ourselves often, smile at a stranger, know that its okay to have a messy room and a messy house for that matter. We just need to live our lives the way we want to. When i'm old, i want to look back and be able to say yes there were alot of up and downs. I broke peoples hearts. My heart was broken. I lost friends, made new friends, had an enriching career. But most of all, I want to say i had fun along the way.
Its funny, you reflect back on things in your life that, at the time, were completely stressful, confusing and you just didn't get it. Now? i look back and laugh at how trivial matters became your worst nightmare for a day or two. Its like Forrest Gumps momma used to say - "lifes like a box of chocolates, you just never know which one your gonna get." Aint that the truth!
You know i realised something tonight. The more i live i realise the impact attitude has on your life. Attitude is more important than facts. More important than appearances, the past and the list goes on. In fact, 'Attitude' makes or breaks company. I make excuses alot of the time to why i don't do something, why i start something and then stop ect ect and im constantly reminded im doing this by my best friend. Its true what they say about your best friends...they know too much to let them go! If i had a positive, decent outlook on things and didn't give up at the first few signs of failure when something doesn't quite go to plan. I would never know where i would be today. Now i make a stand. If things suck, accept they suck. Harden up as they say. Live with it. My life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% the way i react to it. The same goes to you. We are in charge of our attitudes and today im going to be more in charge of mine. Heres to my first goal of the new financial year! Attitude!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
my opening night
So clearly thinking is a part of our everyday life. It doesn't just happen in a blink of an eye, thoughts are generated in our minds everyday from the moment our eyes wake from our slumber of sleep, during sleep - aka our dreams, and every time our brains absorb something. So every minute, right?
You may be wondering why i've chosen the title then 'Thoughts at 21.' Well, it's my little stab at society's preconceived notion that your an adult when you turn 21. You make important decisions, your nearly finished your degree, you probably have a stable job, your saving for a house and blah blah we all know how it goes. But what about the real deal.
Truth?
I'm turning 21, next month in fact. I deferred from my Film and Television degree at Bond University and wont be going back. I've racked up $5000 in credit card debt. I've got no savings. And im living back with my mum, my animals and my two brothers who are 23 and 26. Hmm... What was i originally going to do at 21? Be living in Melbourne working at Melbourne Zoo shooting documentaries on the side with a completed film degree and possibly an internship saving to go to Paris, France music festival.. ouch! Oh and lets not forget be pregnant with my first child. Wow. Its funny the ideas you come up with about how your life will turn out when your 21, at 14 years of age.
So here's to me. About to turn 21, and blogging about my life. Lets get ready for the ride of a lifetime. My life.
You may be wondering why i've chosen the title then 'Thoughts at 21.' Well, it's my little stab at society's preconceived notion that your an adult when you turn 21. You make important decisions, your nearly finished your degree, you probably have a stable job, your saving for a house and blah blah we all know how it goes. But what about the real deal.
Truth?
I'm turning 21, next month in fact. I deferred from my Film and Television degree at Bond University and wont be going back. I've racked up $5000 in credit card debt. I've got no savings. And im living back with my mum, my animals and my two brothers who are 23 and 26. Hmm... What was i originally going to do at 21? Be living in Melbourne working at Melbourne Zoo shooting documentaries on the side with a completed film degree and possibly an internship saving to go to Paris, France music festival.. ouch! Oh and lets not forget be pregnant with my first child. Wow. Its funny the ideas you come up with about how your life will turn out when your 21, at 14 years of age.
So here's to me. About to turn 21, and blogging about my life. Lets get ready for the ride of a lifetime. My life.
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