Long Road to Ruin

Ironic isn't it? I woke up this morning feeling so good about the day ahead considering last nights blog post and began a new read - Sarah Turnbulls Almost French.

To recap, last nights post was all about attitude and my attitude to life. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% the way you react to it. Today i learned that this wasn't as easy as i thought demonstrated by my actions i.e. me being completely stand offish, reserved and quiet at work. This leads me to thinking about my best friend. My world. Without him, i am lost. He knows more about me than anyone else. He understands me and helps me figure out where i take the wrong turn and exactly what leads me there. Through my past relationships he has seen me at the best of times and the worst of times as a moody, self righteous lost little soul to the confident girl i know i can be.

Today, with him, i was lost for words. Like a guitar out of tune a chord struck deeply in my stomach that reverberated through my entire body. The breath in my chest rung silently and each beat of my heart echoed in the background. My mind told me to speak and tell him what was going on but my mouth zipped tightly! urgh...and as i walked back to the cove i had tears down my cheeks and i realised i just completely contradicted myself - yet again. A trait of mine that he so kindly told me:P

Another thing i completely did today is that i over reacted to my brother over a can of v. What is that? You know when your confidence feels stripped bare. Your running on empty. Clean to the bone. Yeah. That's how i felt today - very unlike me. So to this my brother said 'So, you will always have people who love you.' My half brothers besty in melbourne said 'Embrace it, times like these - be alone , think and do something you wouldn't normally do, listen to really loud music and then come back to being the wonderful confident social person you are!!! X x' I thought that was pretty amazing. She has met me all for two hours, but i feel like i've known her for years. A good feeling to have. There was a time two/three months ago where i had so much confidence i was on fire. I walked around with my head held high, ate healthy, spent time with my dog and exercised, rode my bike ect. I was dancing and feeling great and i told my best friend everything - I still do. I am honest with him eventually about things. I use the word eventually because before i converse with him, i need to sort it through my head and give myself time to let it sit. One thing previous people haven't understood. When i'm upset, i can't always talk about but i will eventually.

I am ready for a change in my life and i can only make this change myself. Ironic! I think i'm ready for another photo shoot. Bare myself and my emotions to all. If i don't get the job i applied for i've got a plan b - go back to uni, finish my degree and continue to keep saving for Egypt. Dance (well, dance is part of plan a anyway) i just need help organising a schedule. When i'm exercising, i'm alot more relaxed - it is my stress relief. Hopefully i get my own pole for my 21st. That would be the best. And the other best present i could ever have is to sit next to my best friend and watch brisbane roar play gold coast united and united winning 3-1. yew!

A poem by E.E CUMMINGS dedicated to my best friend. I love you.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Edward Estlin Cummings



You brought me to life and showed me what its like to be me. Forever in my heart i thank you. To irony I raise my glass and say fuck it. Kinda like when peter griffin says 'fuckaugh'. I think to much, yes. But i feel better that at least i can understand the way i'm feeling and whats brought me to it.

10% what happens, 90% the way you react to it. hmmm. Ill keep trying! I did realise something else today to... i become completely reserved and closed in when i meet other females that i don't really know. Because i dont know them i have difficulty conversing with them. When i meet someone im never completely out there and all 'hey look at me'. It takes a while for me to get to know someone and trust them. This i believe comes from my dance experiences. I realised this today and it made me shut off even more and i didnt know how to be myself. Tomorrow - a completely new day and different story where i won't contradict myself. I wont!