my lunchbreak - breakdown

I'm only afraid of some things in this world. Losing my loved ones, never having children or a family and not standing up for what i believe in. To be honest, is to be cautious. To love, like you've never loved before is to be courageous. To be careful, is to be considerate of not others but yourself. I've learnt that we need to hold onto precious moments, the things that made you smile no matter how small they are. Like when your friend texts you in the morning to say 'hey beautiful girl, have a good day'. These things matter because they lift your spirits for even just a moment, and you remember them. When you let go of something, let it go, live with no regrets, harsh words or criticisms, for these are unworthy of your concern. A river of sunflowers, a sky painted with stars, a bed of roses, a dream.

Like the drizzle of rain, its subtle, scarred and sore. 

I sailed out on this paddle boat, alone, without an oar.

My tongue was tied, i couldn't speak

my lips pressed tightly whispering but a squeak.

He said i looked beautiful, shining and bright,

a purple iris, my camera can't see through this night.

So long i tried, i couldn't believe

blinded, withheld, twas only him i could see.

My magic was lost upon his eyes

the blue with red struck fire behind

it dazzled brightly then burnt out

suddenly, my minds without a doubt.

I want to succeed and be the best i can be. I want to love, unconditionally. I want to sing a thousand times over to you the beauty of the skies, to dance, to laugh and to cry within your arms at night, your rhythm is magic. I am not in love with anyone, i love my family and friends to pieces. These words above are not for anyone in particular but from that girl in the picture frame with a dream. Through ancient history, poets and those alike put pen to paper there feelings and created emotional worlds, characters and boundaries, using there dreams as inspiration. These words come from within my heart and soul. What i write doesn't always make sense. Does life make sense?

Yet Another Show

We search for happiness everyday, and find it in the most unexpected ways and places. Throughout our lives certain situations open our eyes to the emotional theme park that is our world, individually and with those around us. We begin to realise who 'matters' most in our lives, why we are standing where we are today, how we arrived there and the person we will become. We realise that above all, family is most important. We choose our friends, sometimes more wisely than others, but we do not choose our families and it is they who help shape the people we are today. 

It is boxing day for 2010. I feel vulnerable, but not lost, surreal and energetic. My world has done a 360 and spun itself upside down, then up and around again. Oh the joys of life's little wonders as they say. As much as circumstances change everything and different things happen in our lives  that are beyond our control, most things in my life are looking up. I know i need to focus on myself (my life, my happiness and what i need). People have feelings for me and i have feelings for someone else.  I can't believe it was Christmas yesterday. How this year has flown by.  There have been many ups and downs, moody and anxious moments and times where i was unstoppable, on top of the world and what i wanted was mine for the taking -  emotional freedom. After this year, i can only imagine what next year is going to bring: love, loss, heartache, stress, sadness and more is definitely in store. We do not know how long our time on this earth will last and what each minute will bring, so should we plan every minute detail and set in stone how our life will pan out? No. Because things change like the drop of a hat and this could only lead to disappointment. Have goals, yes, strive for the good, aim for happiness, do what it takes to make that dream come true but leave room for change. Go with the flow, live out of your boundaries, do everything with passion, don't be afraid to love and be hurt. Look right through me and you will see a window of emotion, a mad world, with no regrets. Enlarge your world.

You know, we go through our lives hitting it hard, like a train running full steam ahead and sometimes this works us up internally; deep inside it creates an unsettled environment where we can't relax. Right now, i'm listening to Stevie Wonders 'I just called to say i love you'. I have a few tears...I've been on the go for a few days now without decent rest and relaxation which adds to the way i'm feeling now. Another Stevie Wonder song 'isn't she lovely' has begun to play. I feel connected to this song as it brings tears to my mothers eyes. Since its Christmas, all i can smell is chocolate. The festive season came around quickly and it's time to have some fun. It's not long till we say goodbye to 2010 forever, sending it out with a bang and saying hello to 2011 with good friends, fireworks, rum (of course) a little bubbly and perhaps a kiss.

They say we should 'forgive and forget' but at times it's hard to 'let go' and forget, which creates the unsure feelings i currently can't shake. It's not always easy for people to show empathy, and put yourself in someone elses shoes, however, the thoughts you send to a friend do count and mean something in the long run. I feel distant, like i don't want to talk and just need the company of myself and a good book. Boxing day sales and we had to go shopping. I was anxious shopping. The crowds make me feel closed in, i get shaky, nervous and almost scared. I know these situations trigger it, depending how i feel before hand - i am getting better. It's taken a year to scratch the surface of myself again but i'm taking the necessary steps i need. We do all of these different things to help us yet it also needs to come from our mindsets as well as within our hearts. We've got to shake things up and create a little magic in our lives and imagine, let the child within be free.

Despite how i feel, i've had a great few days. It started with a random facebook status of who was keen for Christmas eve drinks by a friend of mine. I was there, with rum, cider and 6 bags of cheese supreme dorritos. It was a great night to chill out with old friends and make some new friends. Midnight came along and there was a non stop 'merry Christmas' that jingled through the house, then most people left till it was just the three of us, a rose between two thorns (sorry boys) watching family guy. 3 episodes and i dozed off after the beginning of every one, waking up at the credits demanding i didn't fall asleep. I guess it was Bed time. 3am came along and i had a splitting headache after the rum, cider, bourbon and punch. It was all so tasty though and dorritos topped it off. This was the most random and unexpected way to wake up Christmas morning. There's nothing wrong with spontaneity and something a little out of the ordinary. Dad picked me up and we both went home for Christmas, i showered, ate breakfast and was in bed till 2pm. Then when i woke it was time for presents, our Christmas feast and drinks. I had an awesome night playing guitar hero with my brother and his girlfriend, singing my head off to "you give love a bad name" -- Bon Jovi and chilling out with my mate from Byron. It was great to see him and he really lifted my spirits, or was that just the alcohol? He is a good mate, a lot of fun and he's great to talk to. What can i say, he has pretty blue eyes. 

By the time i feel asleep watching Mr Deeds, i swear the alarm was going off to get up - really!? Already time to wake up i thought? It was 7am! Pressed Snooze and i nodded off straight away.  Mum came in 9:15 to get me up and ready as we were heading to see the cousins in Jimboomba, oops, i better get up (we were supposed to leave at 9:30). Had an awesome day seeing my family up there and spending time with my 7 year old cousin, we sang Bon Jovi together on the way to the shops, ate lots of chocolate and played games on the nintendo ds. Its 10:22pm at the moment, i feel exhausted and i'm ready to hit the hay. Was going to read the last instalmen to Harry Potter (again) but i'll leave that for another night.

This week is going to be hectic and i'm ready for it. I'll hit the gym 4 days this week and get ready for a new years eve i wont forget. 2011, you are so near, but hold up it's not the end yet. 

JPS Xx

a night with Chester...

Nothing beats spontaneity. So i had the weekend off from work, an annual leave day so after sleeping in, eating maccas, seeing some friends and spending the afternoon with one of my best girlfriends, i decided to go to Byron for the night. It was a quick drive, it took just over an hour to get there and i had a ball. Its great seeing old friends, relaxing and getting away from it all even if it is just for a night. I saw Chester to, his pet snake. Snakes are one of the coolest animals and i've learnt so much about them in the past few years. I used to be afraid of them, nervous and very uneasy, however, an old friend of mine who i was seeing for a little while had about 15 snakes in his house so i pretty much had to get used to them, then i grew to love them. Chester is beautiful and i love staring at him. I'm still a little unsure about him, especially when his head is so close to my face and his tongue is constantly moving in and out, i always think he might strike, but i see how my mate is with him and i begin to relax. Then, this morning i was eager to get him out, and i held him for a little while and felt the way his body moves around and how his skin feels, very cool indeed. He was quite inquisitive and i thought it was one of the coolest things ever, even if it did take me a while to relax completely. I like him, and i want my very own woma python, or a murray darling... its something a little different, definitely not like a dog or a cat or even my turtle Lenny, but very awesome indeed. 

Being in Byron for the night felt good because its something different, spontaneous and unique. Its so completely different from my home here on the Gold Coast, for one there's chickens roaming around and cows in the distance and the house is so different to mine, i love it. It feels good to get away and wake up somewhere that doesn't feel like home. Don't get me wrong, i love my home here. We rent in Parkwood and its the first house we've rented that i actually feel comfortable in and like, since losing our house in 2006. The rain was unnecessary today, 'better luck next time' for heading to the beach. I had fun relaxing, cuddling the cats that live there and watching 'the mighty boosh' - great show. After finally getting home i went to another balance class at the gym - this time i wasn't so great but i still persevered and tried my hardest. My body felt exhausted from lack of sleep and nutrition. Harley came over tonight to drop off a christmas present, i gave him one also and we went and saw the latest Harry Potter. It was great seeing him and i enjoyed his company:) Im not looking forward to work tomorrow, 6am cleaning shift to begin with however i won't mind as much if its raining. 

I'm still surprised at how good i'm feeling lately about myself considering the circumstances, and how much doing what i want to has boosted my confidence. When we do what we love, don't let stresses and small issues get under our skin and see our friends etc we feel good, so i'm going to continue doing what i'm doing, whatever it is, it's working and i like this happy feeling i've created. 

JP

PS: better luck next time ay? How very interesting

the Unnecessary stillness

Ignite the fire in your heart, embrace it and hold onto the stillness we feel envelope around our bodies. The warmth of the flame encompassing your soul, enlightening your mind, opening your eyes to happiness, freedom and calm. Its the little things that make our lives whole, like saying 'I love you' to a loved one, helping a stranger, the beauty of sunflowers and the smile on an innocent Child's face. I've always appreciated the small intricacies of life; the things that have made me smile. Although it's not always easy to forget the stresses of today and allow them to carry through to tomorrow, we can always stop and appreciate the fact that the sun is shining or to a larger extent, we woke up and we are alive. So even though we hold onto the stillness felt after the storm has passed why does the thunder rumble in the background? Do we ever feel eternally still? It's hard to focus our energy and streamline it into one particular thing or moment when we have so many thoughts running through our minds. These can be related or unrelated, trivial, juvenile, meaningful or meaningless to the task at hand but there's always something we are concerned or worried about. How do we let go? Its that old saying when you grab something, grab it, when you let it go, let it go; it isn't always that simple.

For the past few weeks I've been attending regular body balance, yoga and pilates classes. In these classes we are taught to focus, and let our minds float free from negative thoughts and allow ourselves to focus on our bodies, minds and our soul. When practicing these classes, it's important to note that stress only limits our bodies and neglects to allow them to work to our full extent and what we are truly capable of, so relax, believe and breathe. Body balance Friday was a tough one for me. Its my usual 4:45 class, the best class of the week but i felt anxious and i couldn't let go of my mind like i wanted it to, so instead i focused that energy into my practice and worked as strongly as i could. My balance track has improved greatly and i can easily see where i need improvement. In these classes i'm able to give myself goals to strive for and achieve so that each time  become closer to my goal of eventually becoming a yoga teacher when i'm 25. I did the class, eagerly left and went home, showered - no phone call or text from the boy. A little unusual i thought, but he's been working long hours, 20 hour days i just left him thinking he would be asleep. I got ready for christmas drinks at a friends place across the road, walked into Waxys and the turn out wasn't so great to start with, give it another hour and bam, they slowly started arriving. It was great to see so many different people from the park come, chill out and socialise with people from all the other different departments. I wondered if he was coming, nevertheless he walked up the stairs with a few friends, i approached him and he said "hey, i'm feeling really strange," and walked off. Unnecessary first move? I think so. Then he hardly spoke to me the whole night, ignored me and didn't explain what was going on. As the night was winding down and we were about to leave after lock out, i finally got a chance to talk to him. I didn't want to be that girl that chased him the whole night etc however i was told that someone i know said to him, "we should so totally make out, to make her jealous." Unnecessary... When you don't know the situation two people are in, i think it's uncalled for and plain rude, but some people are like that i guess. I'm just not that kind of person. One girl was after him the whole night and i watched from outside waxys, she threw herself at him. They both looked at me and left and i knew what was happening. Then another one of my friends came out, put his arm around me and told me they were hooking up. Good on them, it's not my business. Apparently he was interested in the girl and this and that but all in all, each to their own, people make their own decisions, i would never tell anyone what to do, I would never yell at someone, people make their own lives.

Spoke to him eventually, won't go to detail on here, but basically i feel saddened by the way he treated me that night, he admitted to me he was a jerk, treated me like shit and feels no emotion for anything whatsoever, more than just me and him. "i'm just meant to be single"- An excuse. I'm always open, honest and not afraid to tell someone what i'm feeling. I go with the flow, sometimes over think things, but this time, i was going with the flow. We spent alot of time together, had our laughs, big nights out and what not but no one deserves to be treated the way he treated me last night. Everyone deserves the truth. I'm not the one that pushed for everything, and for someone to say "i really want you to be my girlfriend, it's just the timing," to ignoring me. That shows me alot about your character.

People move in mysterious ways, and i like to think i'm pretty understanding. Surprisingly i feel pretty good about everything, im happy with myself and the way i look, I'm more confident, again, than i used to be and i'm feeling like me. This is what counts in the end. My family, my friends and whatever makes me happy. Im looking forward to heading down to Byron on Tuesday, spending time with my family over Christmas, enjoying New Years (without a kidney infection) and having fun. Life is 10 per cent what happens and 90 per cent the way we react to it.

Monday-itis...

It was Monday afternoon but it felt like Sunday... where did the weekend go? A new week already and Friday night can't come fast enough! Christmas drinks at Waxy's to look forward to with the weekend off from work, and staying in Surfers for two nights. Good weekend before the best weekend ever, that's right, i'm talking about Christmas. So, quite a few people i know couldn't really care about Christmas, but for me, i can't wait! Presents, Christmas lunch and drinks with boxing day off to recover, yew! Its going to be a good day. Actually, every day is a great day - i'm smiling, exercising, relaxed and finally, i'm well. My best friend arrives home this Thursday and I really can't wait to see him and give him the biggest hug. We have alot to catch up on, so a night staying up till sunrise is definitely in order for us. One of my best girl friends came over with her dog today for a play date and it was very cute watching the dogs get to know each other. I love seeing my girl friends and have missed them so much, they are one of the most important parts in my recovery to me and my happiness. I'm so excited for next year that i'm already smiling about it as i write this blog. Lots of people to see before the year is over and lots of things to do, and life is great.

Relationship wise, the boy is amazing and he treats me like a princess. Most of you know who i'm talking about and i can't wait for him to meet some of my best friends. Dad just arrived, he has come over for dinner with the family as my brothers just cooked a Roast leg of lamb with veggies.

I had the best weekend, great laughs and lots of fun. So much mud, a trolley, a smelly blow up pool, maccas (of course) dancing, sambuca and rum (again, of course) and few randoms that made the night pretty interesting! Boys kissing the random bday girl, her friend gets jealous "i wish it was my birthday" pucker up sister, the boys wont let you miss out.. haha. Good stuff.

Grief is like the ocean...

We are only on this earth for a short time, so make the most of it. Be brave and strong in the face of danger, have the courage to do something a little different and be honest. We take each day as it comes, but as life passes us by we tend to forget to tell the people we care about how much they mean to us, or how much we love them. We are not invincible, so don't pretend nothing can ever stop you, nevertheless don't act rashly or hide in a hobbit hole the rest of your life. Enjoy life's idiosyncrasies, wear sunscreen, dance...

I said in one of my earlier blogs "grief is like the ocean, its bigger and deeper than all of us...we always hope there is more to believe in..." At the end of the day, we grow up and realise death is apart of life, we cherish the memories, be there for one another and give support to those who need it. As young children death is scary, unfair even and we don't understand the subtleties of existence. This fear tends to settle as each day goes on, then eventually, an acceptance overcomes the mind and we accept the fate we ultimately come to. It's sad and we hurt but time heals all wounds.

My dads mum passed away yesterday about half an hour before I spoke to him. I was on a lunch break at work. After hearing the news i was shocked, saddened and hurt. I didn't want to eat, then as you can imagine i couldn't focus, i was teary and not with it, so i headed home at about 2. I cleaned, and cleaned the house so it was sparkling, bathed Jenna, had her inside with me and just couldn't wait for the boy to get to my house. I needed a hug from him. Today was much better. I saw dad, we went through some of her stuff and had lunch together and found a range of photos she had of my brothers and i as kids. I also found an old picture of 'Te Hau Takeri Wharepapa' - my great, great, great grandfather, gave it to dad and he hung it on the wall. Considering my nan has just passed away we couldn't help but go through a list of people who have died recently: Andy Irons, James Freud, we discussed the topic of coincidence in life: the mining incident in New Zealand where there was the story of the 17 year old boy who was meant to have his first day the day after it happened, however he begged and begged to be let down. He was so eager and keen, little did he know that that would be the last day he saw the light.

Death is a sentence we ultimately face as our end, yet we must not fear death, we must live our lives, well, with freedom and spend quality time with loved ones.

Love you nan, R.I.P xx

“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?”

Don't fight it

Should I be afraid, or is this a voice I created? "Don't fight it", I'm hurting and I'm not afraid to admit it. We all have different stories, treasures and secrets but this is no secret. I'm hurting and it pulls at my heart strings.

Happiness is always a tear drop away, theirs thunder rumbling in the clouds, a flood of emotion staring down, heavy, black and ready to fall...I'm hurting, more overwhelmed of it all. An endless highway, one direction I run, all roads led towards this fun of heartache, tugging at my heart strings, longing or lost? This is not what we fight, don't fight it, my ships endured a stormy night...

Sometimes, my blog may not make sense, but it's words and feelings that come out of my mind, my heart and flow from my fingertips, hit the keys and begin to create the words your reading now. I write in different states of being, i may be off key, out of tune, a note to high but what i feel inside is true, i listen to my gut instincts and trust myself. We shouldn't fight what feels right, and listen to the positive and negative thoughts of the day and notice what made you feel this way. What made me write that lies above? All i know, is that it's okay to feel sad about past relationships and friendships, notice the things that made you happy and remember your time together.