Talking about a Revolution

It's like that feeling of bliss you have, as you sit cross legged in front of an open fire place, with only the sound of the crackle of the wood burning and whispering only slightly in your ears as you sip a warm english breakfast tea. It's a cold evening.  The warmth of the heat the fire exudes toward your body envelopes you like an invisible blanket, snuggling you up and wrapping you up from the inside out. Your eyes twinkle as you stare into the orange lit fire bursting each flame higher as the crackles spark a movement upwards and heat emits towards your palms turned upward and a smile is drawn across your face, ear to ear as they say.  A smile that brings comfort from deep inside your soul. A comfort you crave. If only this feeling lasted a lifetime. It's something special, rare and pure. It brings to light the meaning of life itself, to not search for happiness, or convince yourself to be a certain someone or live a certain way, but to enjoy the moment for what it is there and then, because these little moments string together and form the big moments in our lives, the ones we remember, the memories we share and the wisdom to help us on our journey forward through this big, magical world. A journey that is so unique to everyone elses but all in all the same, because we are all in this together, and each trial and tribulation or emotional upheaveal we face, we get through it, and everything is always okay. 

I believe that i will make a change for myself, and each step i've taken will only lead to bigger and greater things. It's nice to have a message that says "i believe in you". When others see you for who you are, and know what you are capable of, those little messages of endearment and encouragement mean so much more than just "i believe in you", it means "i can see you for who you are and all the mighty things you are bound for in this world, so look at yourself and believe them too because i believe in you, and you should believe in you too." But as we know, it is not always easy to build yourself up when you feel broken. And a little support goes along way. 

MY LIFE AS I KNOW IT.

I've had my heart broken and i've given up when i thought all was lost. 

I've had no will, when there was always a way to make things better.

I've let people get the better of me and take me for granted, and then not given enough.

I've given all of myself to someone in one instance, and then not given enough to another.

I've broken a heart, (or two) 

I've listened when i shouldn't have, and i went ahead without thinking.

Then i listened too much, (and felt my ship was sinking)

I didn't believe, and lost hope.

I had too much hope and lost belief.

I learnt to trust and gave my heart and soul.

The trust was broken when love was not enough.

I wore sunscreen and took the stairs not the elevator.

I drank water and wine by the bottle!

I lost a friend and gained another.

Twas my footprints kissing the sand one way or another.

To the north and to the south, i travelled east and west.

I found apart of me, deep in my soul im free, however to where is the rest of me? (With these feet in my shoes we'll see).

I'll let you in on a little secret, i'm not the most perfect girl. But imperfect is most perfect in an ever changing world.

Now the action steps up a gear as we have graduated to a whole new level. From last August to now, a lot has changed and my frustrations are piling up. Everyday things are getting better, and i'm getting better, but the distance is hard, the limited time sucks. The jobs frustrating (yet all workplaces are) and there's only two ways it can go. To see the positivity in all and bring to life the old. To stretch and sweat and eat my broccoli and get in touch with the world. I deserve to feel valued and respected and appreciated for me (we all do) not a nuisance and frustration, thats not where i want to be. If only people were a little less self centred, and more sensitive to others. Show the people you care about how they make you feel, because words are nothing more than words on a page if actions don't follow as well. I yearn to laugh uncontrollably, be cheeky, fun and spontaneous. To kiss ever so passionately and be held so tight you just don't want to let go. To feel that feeling of bursting happiness, like a flame is alive inside of you. To feel like i'm a priority and not that you ring me or text me because you have to, but because you want to. I mean no matter who it is, family, friends, your lovers, just value the people in your life and show them they are important. Make them feel number one and apart of you and like you are proud to have them in your life. Not separate it, and do things on your own accord. Just be together. Things in your life aren't always going to be good. I know this, but i don't want to settle. I almost want to study again so i can be in a classroom and have an intelligent conversation about anything, i yearn for just a good, bloody conversation. A walk on the beach in the moonlight. A cup of baskins choc chip cookie dough ice cream listening to the world. 

Our lives can be electric if we wish it. And this is a revolution.

Until the stars fall, JP xx

You want to make a change? Lets talk.

I wish i had the answers. 

NOW lets talk more 

                            SpEcIfIc...



I know it's a bit ridiculous worrying about the things you cannot change and stressing about a situation you have no control of, yet, we are human, and sometimes these things get the better of us. I'll admit it, it's a tough and challenging time at the moment and as much as i tell myself to take each day as it comes, focus on the now etc etc, i find myself realising, it's time that heals any unsettled emotions and unhealed wounds. It's time that we give ourselves time to allow the healing process to begin, and to allow the situation to run its course and work itself out. "Jodie, you look like a duck in a desert!" Said one of the head dolphin trainers as i floated aimlessly out to the centre of the pool one day. I was waiting to continue filming a dolphin program and "get on with the job" as they say. I find the cycle beginning again: i'm a duck waddling around a flat plane desert trying to find my little miracle of a pond.  

Tomorrow is the start of a new adventure at my new job. I have more challenges to face and overcome, more responsibilities to accept and take in my stride and of course, new personal bests to achieve. I'm looking forward to a change of scenery and a new team to work with. Although i feel a little nervous and anxious about tomorrow, i know i'll be fine as soon as i get there. I just need to get to work and get stuck into it and focus on the task at hand. Thats the great thing about work. I much rather have to get up and get to work so i have a reason to get up for the day and something to focus on. It's hard work and i'm constantly on the go but right now its the perfect environment for me to be in. Otherwise, ill find myself in a vicious cycle jumping from one thing to the next, and spending money i don't have to give myself 5 minutes of pleasure and satisfaction until again the reality hits me and i realise i'm just spending money because it makes me feel good. It fills the void of missing him dearly. I am struggling with this at the moment and i am trying to be supportive, i know this is just 'how it is.' I guess i worry too much about the future of when we see each other and the limited time we have together, instead of being positive about it all and looking forward to just every minute we spend together, ive been focusing on the fact he isnt with me, and the fact he will leave again (completely unproductive). Although i am a little unhappy about this part of my life: i just never thought id find myself in this kind of relationship, i do know that i love him very much, and for now it is a compromise.

My heart has chosen you because you are the one that makes me feel nothing i have ever felt before. A complete and utter bliss i have been missing for a long time. You have filled a void within my heart that cannot be replaced.

It's every girls dream to grow up and find their true prince charming and live in a castle. I find myself at 23 years of age living at home with my mother. Although she is great, and so amazingly supportive of me and tolerant of my moods, i would love more than anything to go out and have a place of my own, and fill it up with my stuff and have a place for me and my man to just be (you and me) you know? It is what i'm supposed to be doing. I'd love even to move in with a friend also. It does make it harder i have a dog but there is no way i would leave her behind. It's all about living at the moment, and it's too expensive to live on my own so until the day comes, we trust in each other, ill be with my mum.

It is what it is. I just don't think its healthy to compare what happened in past relationships to a current relationship and let that be a decider. Past experiences teach us about ourselves and other people and also allow us to not repeat the same mistakes and do things a little wiser. But as the saying goes, we grow a little wiser as we go and i do believe your mindset from 21 to 25 completely changes and grows. Why? Because you experience life.

As Bukowski says, "peace of heart and mind arrive when you accept what is, being born into this strange world and having some satisfaction in leaving it all behind. "

Until my fingers find themselves typing away my thoughts onto this blank page again, JP xx

A not so sweet monday

It's becoming more of a challenge to write what i'd like to write in this blog without having to be somewhat closed off, so certain people in my life don't find out the truth. Yet, it then just becomes a rock in a hard place and i might as well stop writing because anything i say  again about true honesty is automatically going to be criticised by another part of my subconscious mind saying "stop it you hypocrit, you can't say that about ... when you won't even ... and ... then tell them ..." and so it begins: another useless exercise in futility about relationships, love, the journey of the self and so on. Nevertheless, my spine quivers as the silence of my dark room sends a ringing down my left ear and the fingertips of both my hands hit the keys uncontrollably like a puppet on a string. And i'm writing again. Perhaps it's that feeling of release. The release of a myriad of emotion splurging out of me like word vomit on a page, not necessarily making sense but each word inching that one bit closer to a sense of peace and security. Nothing stops me, not even when i feel the urge to stop for one moment and yank my hands away from the keyboard and clench both palms into fists and hold them against my temples, as if some almighty super power has forced me to stop and i stare at a blank page, i can't stop. Clearly, I have a lot of pent up frustrations and i know my mind, body and spirit (if they could speak) would agree in unison i might add, that i would indeed benefit from some regular yoga sessions, perhaps some hypnotherapy, and definitely meditation to let my body breathe and a change of scenery.

Over the past four weeks i've had many urges to write and write but couldn't bring myself to opening up my blogger page and letting my mind go, because that happens ^^^ ie., the word vomit thing. It comes out of me 100 miles an hour and i can't digest it all. I guess you don't digest vomit do you? It just makes you hurl and what you really do with it is wash it away. Start 'a fresh' the next day.

Until the stars fall, and until i can put into words what it is i really want to say, i leave you with this unsteady feeling.

I have unconditional love, hope, and faith. JP xx