Re-energize and Re-boot

Life’s little mysteries are those that make each of our lives interesting and unique. It’s not as easy as it seems but we should embrace the happiness and the moments we feel good, focus on the good things in our lives and ‘re-energize’ and ‘re-boot’ after times of emotional upheaval and disturbance. It’s never any accident to stand-alone and there is no ‘quick fix’ to being stress free without a worry in the world. Even so, we try our best with what we have and what we know.

Today marks the mid-week of my second week at university and already I’m noticing how much time management plays a big role in getting things done. I’m working three days a week, studying at class three days a week, studying outside of class hours, spending time with my family and friends, enjoying alone time and exercising at the gym. 

Today I wrote this in my entrepreneurship lecture – right so I know I should have been concentrating, well I was, honest but I was up to date with all the readings and knew what he was talking about and needed to get these thoughts down. Anyway, we were talking about the advantages of being means driven rather than goal driven in terms of effectual entrepreneurship. This isn’t a business blog or one about finance yes, yes I know but late last year I had these kinds of considerations in my head. Id dream of this and that, write down my goals, plan out my life ahead but this lecture pushes me to ask myself ‘why bother anymore?’ Our lives change each day and we don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow, 5 days from now or 5 years from now. Heck I don’t even know what’s going to happen in the next few hours. I have a plan and as we know plans can change within a heartbeat. We can predict the future we want, set goals: business planners do it all the time but what do we do if it doesn’t go to plan? I could have all intentions to go to work tomorrow and be run over by a car walking to the gym this afternoon and lay in hospital tomorrow morning, not able to go to work. Okay, so maybe it’s a little extreme yet we just can’t predict what’s going to happen to us. We dream up all sorts of imagined ends of where we want our lives to lead. Have a think about it like this though. This is how my lecturer explained it in class: you can have all the pieces of the puzzle knowing the finished picture, or you can have a ‘crazy quilt’ where pieces are added together as you go along and you don’t know what the final product will look like. To me, this is exactly the map of our lives. So what do we do? Set goals, yes, but accept uncertainty and embrace surprises along the way. Don’t get too discouraged and give up at the first hurdle of failure. When we work with our strengths without overcoming weaknesses first, we get a head start on what we want to achieve. Put simply, entrepreneurs don’t shy away from uncertain situations; they take whatever’s thrown at them with their heads held high and use it, making something else from that situation of uncertainty. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. 

One peek through the looking glass

I’ve always wanted to write poems, or articles, a novel or have an online diary - A journal about my life; therefore I created this blog. Although it would seem to me, my life, not very interesting, I’d always hope that some day, someone might want to read it. They would peruse over my many thoughts, convictions and so on, read it, understand it and perhaps even empathise, since they might have been in the same boat as me.

Before I put finger to keyboard or pen to paper, I begin to construct a sentence in my head that involves other people like my family, my partner (if I have one), my friends (or lack of) and anything else random cruising through the endless highway of my thoughts, nevertheless, this entry is about me and how I’m feeling.

Firstly, I’m usually very negative about myself: before I even start or try something, I think ill suck at it. I look at myself in a mirror and in my head I see fat, although thankfully it’s not crazy enough that I would be anorexic. I look at other girls at work, and think to myself how beautiful there bodies are and each day I’m told I’m gorgeous and have a beautiful body and a great ass, I just don’t see it. I’ve been depressed and have a mild case of anxiety. In my last teenage years I moved between high schools and dance schools, my family succumbed to a losing battle with their business due to the uprise of Chinese imports and declared bankruptcy, losing everything. This affected me more than I knew at the time, just like it affected my family around me. I danced a lot then left school for uni onto a career I thought I wanted to do. I was adamant and extremely passionate about filming, being a music video director or a produce and direct documentaries. Little did I know from the pressures of grade 12, I actually needed a break. I wasn’t very well throughout the end of high school, which resulted in low self-esteem, a lower grade than my usual stream of A’s (depending on the subject of course) and I just wasn’t interested in food.  It was a 3-point downer - Lack of self-esteem, lack of nutrition, lack of motivation.

One month of schoolwork, and a new year began - 2007 with me starting my first semester, full-time, studying a Bachelor of Film and Television at Bond University. I flew through my first semester enjoying the highs and lows of university life, meeting new people and learning to create great films. After first semester finished, it was downhill from then on in. I fell in love (my first love) but when I found a different job working at SeaWorld, after deferring out of uni from my fourth semester, it broke us apart. I also had an underlying sickness that doctors later revealed was chronic tonsillitis. They also found I was severely low in iron with a strand of glandular fever. No wonder I had little motivation to do anything. I became moody, very sick and exhausted for about a year. Because of this I couldn’t dance like I used to and enjoy being myself and doing all the things I loved. It was awful. Unless you’ve had glandular fever or chronic tonsillitis or something similar like I had, its hard to understand what your body feels like. My muscles would ache more than ever, I couldn’t muster up any energy for physical activity (yes, all shapes and forms), I’d fall asleep at random times and couldn’t control myself to stop it. I became depressed and wouldn’t eat, therefore again months of lacking nutrition. Well over a year and a half later I went in for surgery to have them removed. It took a good 6 months before my body full recovered, then a kidney infection end of 2009 through me off guard. I’ve never gone downhill so fast in my entire life. One minute I felt okay, with a pain in my lower back in which one doctor told me I had a simple ‘muscle spasm’. 24 hours later I was on the floor, with great muscle weakness, I couldn’t get up. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the back. I felt this way after having tonsillitis for a year, and all this happened within 24 hours. A good friend of mine looked after me and helped me through it, and there I lay at midnight finishing the year 2009 in bed, by myself. Happy New Year! Not…Thank fully this New Year was much better, even if I did have a mild anxiety attack and stressed out with the crowd of people, it was fun and I did have a good laugh. Rum makes everything better. I got my New Years kiss a little late…better late than never they say.

And now to last year, an emotional Roller coaster ride filled with tension, drama, rumours, love, relationships, work and so on where my coaster was a little jolty, even after smooth sailing. I got through it though, with the help of some amazing friends. It was a good feeling not to feel as sick as I did the year before, however I did lack energy a lot of the time. I wasn’t consistent with my iron tablets or St. Johns wart though – they may have helped. I had quite a bit of stress to deal with and my anxiety ended up controlling me for a while there. I had awful dreams and couldn’t relax. That’s why this year I’m focussing on exercising regularly, eating a healthy diet, drinking water and sleeping. Sleep is one of the most important 8 hours in a day so use it wisely. I know it’s difficult. At times you just don’t want to sleep because there is too much on your plate, but I’ve realised things get done more efficiently when you’ve let your mind and your brain rest.

I already mentioned about my brother and sister changing my life this year along with the re-commencement of university. Finishing my degree with flying colours is really important to me. I do hope to get back to a few volunteering days at Australia Zoo to. Perhaps in the week break I have between semesters from uni? Sounds like a good plan.

Its amazing how things change your life within a split second, such as meeting my family, losing a once close and good friend, expanding your mind to knowledge, changing relationships even, crashing your car, a bad dream and losing everything you have. No matter what it is, great or small, change is change and sometimes it’s difficult to comprehend. This year has already had its ups and downs, from one extreme to the next and today is no different. Each day comes and goes and you never know what tomorrow will hold, so we accept this that we cannot change. 

Two big things happened in my life today. Not only did my day start out not according to plan, don’t worry I ended up fighting through it, and then I lost my once best friend for good. Going in to detail, explaining, trying to understand wont change anything, so I won’t.  Nevertheless, I was really sad today and I have been for a few weeks. I was certain it was him who started the silent treatment but he thinks it was I, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I fought back tears, and then after everything sunk in, I messaged him with how I felt. Gutless apparently. I wasn’t breaking up with someone over text though, and I wont see him till Wednesday. Like he said, I’m not important to him, he doesn’t care about me, or what I do and doesn’t feel the need to talk to me. And that’s it. Done.

I have a busy but relaxing day planned tomorrow (weather dependent) so I’m looking forward to that. Walk my spoodle, head to the gym for yoga and body balance, go to the pool for a swim and head to the outside of Parklands to listen to Big Day Out. I didn’t want to go this year, actually, I haven’t been since I was 15 as crazy as that sounds. Boy my head hurts still! I’ve had this constant headache all day. My chest needs ventolin once again, and I’ve got some studying to do.

N-E-J <3 my beautiful girls, you mean the world to me. And in the words of Muscle: Ice cream, is going to save the day…

A look at Epicurus (University Assignment Essay for Cultural and Ethical Values)

(341-271BC)

‘Death is nothing to us’

Life is immeasurably complex, and no human being can be expected to comprehend the subtleties of existence. Yet, the brain is a truly breathtaking miracle of engineering, and despite the fact that the experience of living seems far greater than the worry that one day you will die, human beings can’t help but fear death, forgetting that we should grasp the essence of what it is to be alive. Epicurus (341-271BC) believed that the fear of death itself was simply useless worry, as in death we feel no harm, so therefore it is irrational to be afraid of something that cannot harm you. So should we fear death?

The summary of Epicurus’ thesis is his well-known statement that “death is nothing to us” because as mortal beings, it is impossible to avoid death and at the moment we die—the moment we cease to exist—we experience nothing. (http://www.zainea.com/Beautifulevidence.htm 09/10/07) In my opinion, it is not death itself but the anticipation of the event that disturbs mankind.

“What is no trouble when it arrives is an idle worry in anticipation,” Epicurus explains in his Letter to Menoeceus.       (http://www.dimaggio.org/DoNotClick/death.htm 09/10/07) Epicurus believes worrying about something we have no control over, is painful because death isn’t terrible to us and we simply can’t avoid it. Warren Shibles, a scholar, notes that Epicurus' argument shows that "we cannot fear the state of death because we will not be conscious after death; we certainly can fear losing consciousness" (Shibles 1974, p. 38). But Epicurus would most likely reply, "that which gives no trouble when it comes, is but an empty pain in anticipation" (Bailey 1926, pp. 124–125).

Even though it is, in Epicurus’ opinion irrational to fear death, he doesn’t hold that it’s also irrational to fear losing loved ones, because that in itself is devastating. Considering the fact that “death is nothing to us” does not stop us from reminiscing about enjoyable memories with our loved ones and if you take death with an Epicurean perspective, the individual who loses a loved one is better off because past painful experiences are forgotten, with only the good memories left behind. (http://www.zainea.com/Beautifulevidence.htm 09/10/07) I believe that Epicurus wants people to take satisfaction in the life they are living and overlook past regrets and the worry you didn’t live your life to the fullest but rather remember the good times. Epicurus wants people to live a pleasant life, so anticipating what happens at the end of ones life is an exercise in futility. In my opinion, it is not ‘death’ that we fear, but rather losing something so precious to us: existence.

Ceasing to exist is something human beings must comprehend and not dwell upon because the annihilation of existence is inevitable. It is rather the awareness of having something so precious – like an enjoyable life – taken away from us for all eternity that we fear. It is here we must understand that life on earth is not to be taken for granted, for no one knows what happens after death. The notion that quality of life, rather than quantity of life, is the preponderance of pleasure over pain and it is the pleasure of living and existing we are afraid of one day losing. I believe Epicurus wants for people to accept death and move on, because being alive and existing is one of the greatest journeys of all, so accept the fact it will end, and don’t spend sleepless nights worrying about it but be satisfied with the fact that you had a chance to ‘exist’ in the first place.

Lastly, Epicurus argues that in death we experience nothing and so cannot be harmed, therefore being dead cannot be terrible for us. He does not say it is irrational to fear experiencing pain in death because that is a terrible thing. But why should we fear experiencing pain in death, when we no control over the time we die? I agree pain in death is a terrible thing, and that everyone wishes to die a peaceful death but it is our own revolutionary ideas of death and questioning of ‘how we are going to die’ and ‘what’s going to happen next?’ that makes us fear death.

I agree with Epicurus that “death is nothing to us”, because as we fall asleep at night, unless we dream, we are consciously unaware that we are in fact asleep. When you die, you don’t know that you are dead – you don’t experience anything because you simply don’t know. So being dead isn’t something to be afraid of, but rather something to accept, however the fear of experiencing pain before death and fearing losing those we love is inevitable and rational to fear. 

A New Chapter Begins

So the journey begins today to become a writer. I sit each day on my black, rough leather chair feeling elegant, yet naïve, as a map of worlds showcase themselves within my head. Staring at a blank screen, I stew over what to write about. Will it be interesting? What makes good reading? How will people feel when they read my work? These questions are constantly revealing themselves to me, even though where I post is to just a simple blog on blogger.net, I can’t help but wonder other readers thoughts as they take in the words I’ve written.

Late June 2010 I began ‘Thoughts begin at 21’, a blog about my life: my ideas, my interests, and my thoughts. I strive to be a first rate version of myself not a second rate version of someone else. And honestly, life isn't short if you know how to use it.

The past few weeks following the hectic festive season and new years have been emotionally overwhelming, mind blowing and, at times, not the easiest to comprehend. Nevertheless, Here I am again with my head held high ready for the New Year. New adventures, challenges, goals and blog posts wait so you can join in on the journey with me. 2011 is forecast to be a year to remember, as I finish my degree, continue to focus on my health and fitness, act positively on what I want to achieve and most importantly continue to be myself. Life is a journey from one stage to the next, and I have just opened a new chapter in the book of 2011. As I sit and ponder the thoughts that constantly play in my mind, like a record on repeat, I notice that our thoughts are much like the weather. Not only are there periods of sunshine where everything is pure bliss and our mindset remains quite positive, we can experience long periods of cloudy, rainy days. These days denote a negative frame of mind. It feels as though you’re on a downer for weeks on end, then peeking through the darkness that overhangs, the suns rays shed light on some kind of natural beauty, a positive feeling begins to calm your mind and you’re on the up and outer.  It’s the feeling that you feel when you want to keep feeling it.

Human beings have experienced these kinds of positive/negative feelings our entire time on this earth; they are not new.  Nevertheless, it is how we act and react to them, that teach us about not only what’s important in life and what is worth worrying about, but also more so about ourselves, and the people we are today. Our thoughts show us why we feel a certain way about one thing or another, what brought us to that position or feeling in the first place, why we mull over certain things that aren’t worth fretting about and so on. Human beings are unique: we have different backgrounds, ideas, morals and values. We not only look different, but act different as well.

Seneca, an ancient Greek Philosopher once said, “Life is long, if you know how to use it.” This thought is not clever in any way whatsoever, but rather logical, in the sense, that when we forget the tiny stresses of our lives and focus on the big picture and all we can accomplish, we have a long filled life ahead of us.  So what are we waiting for?

I mentioned in the beginning of this blog post that the past few weeks have been emotionally overwhelming. Where to begin? Most recently, I’ve started university once again; I feel emotionally stable and adequate with dealing with the workload whilst continuing my job cleaning and filming the animal adventure swims at SeaWorld. I have a personal loan to get on top of my finances. I have continued making time for the things I love such as seeing my family and friends, spending time with my animals and going to the gym for my weekly yoga, Pilates and body balance classes. And I just met my half sister via Facebook (what?!) and I’ve just met my half brother for the first time after Christmas here on the Gold Coast. Okay, so the first few are pretty normal, every day kind of events but the last two? Yikes! I’ve met two family members of mine for the first time, and I can’t even begin to describe how it feels - really big stuff!

Throughout my younger years growing up I had no idea I had two half brothers, extra to the two brothers I already have (imagine telling the youngest daughter whose put up with older brothers, that wait, there are two more!) and then when I was about 10, dad told me I have a sister. Looks like my dad was pretty busy spreading his gene pool, as politely as I can say. I always remember when he first told me about Lesley, my half sister. We were living in Arundel; dad was on the computer working away (workaholic) so it was no surprise to me of course when I went into the room to show him some schoolwork or ask for help on an assignment that that’s where I should find him. Casually, off topic, he mentions I have a sister. Shocked at first, then I was miserable! I thought I was the only daughter, but it seems I wasn’t and I was the youngest of a kit of six.

Facebook, as you all know it, is one of the greatest social networking sites of this generation. We are lucky to be living in a world of technological advancement where we have seen more development in fifty years than in human history alone. After hearing of the devastating QLD floods, the kiwi Lesley sort to find out that her ‘other’ family was okay. She consulted her mum (quite the detective I’m told) and found us in a jiffy online. I didn’t know this until dad sent me an early txt message one morning saying “great news, Lesley is on Facebook, go add her’. Although I haven’t actually had the opportunity to meet with her in person yet, I feel privileged that we are finally in touch. I’ve always wondered about her, who she is, what she looks like, how she was growing up, her interests, her hates, everything. It’s no use wishing we’d met earlier as great as it probably would have been, but rather focus on the now and know that we have the rest of our lives to get to know one another. I’m so happy to finally meet all of my family. Which brings me to meeting my half brother, Joshua, for the first time at the beginning of the year. He is my oldest brother, from New Zealand also whom I most dearly have wanted to get to know for a long time. I’m happy we have finally met and find it so interesting that out of dads 6 kit of offspring, we look most alike.

Joshua and Israel, his younger brother, my other half-brother came to visit the Gold Coast just after Christmas to spend time with the family.  I took two extra days off work that week so I could get to know Joshua (I know Israel already, and it was so great to see him. As he knows, I always want to move to Melbourne, and work in the zoo.) Anyway, Joshua is highly intelligent, well read, and definitely knows a thing or two about the world! It’s taken 21 years to finally meet, but never mind that. Just like Lesley, Joshua and I have the rest of our lives to continue to chat and get to know each other. It helps having dad live here on the coast. I’ve spent a few nights in dad’s bat cave discussing stories – dad’s definitely full of them (farm stories, sailing, women to bike gangs and playing chase with the cops), and he has told me stories of Israel and Joshua. Nevertheless I embraced the opportunity and asked questions. Looking through photo albums, Joshua felt saddened that he had missed so much but that doesn’t matter anymore. He is with us now.

I’ve gone through life, guessing and wondering where I’m going and where I’ll end up. I knew this year was going to be a year to remember and meeting the rest of my family has filled a tiny void in myself I felt was missing for a long time. So many thoughts ran through my mind about my family, it completely turned my world upside down, for a week or so, especially after Joshua left. I didn’t want to see him go as I’d hardly even scratched the surface - it was just the beginning. Nevertheless, a myriad of journeys have begun. Amidst all the chaos of our frenetic lives, the search for stillness continues and through the spasmodic nature of life an upstanding individual, strong, worthy and free will shine through: me. So here I am, 21, happy, carefree and being me. I know my family, I trust my instincts, and I believe that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% the way we react to it. So the journey to getting to know my siblings has begun, and so the journey to being a published author to. Somewhere along the way remains a story of love and passion but that is a tale for another time. 

Remember: Live with passion. Provide freedom. Love nature. One more for the hell of it: please wear sunscreen.

-- JP --