There is nothing more wonderful, than what it feels like to be in the presence of such beauty, wisdom and grace.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Ill be your friend

Its time we step back and stop being so selfish. Catch up with that friend you always say your going to catch up with, smile at a stranger, meet someone new, simply be there for a friend in need, old or new. They say that "having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is an old human need." I believe this saying to be true. When your down and you think your all alone and no one cared for you, you are wrong. Because someone is always thinking of you.

In light of the tough times your going through ill be there to listen to you. Ill support you and aim to step back and see things with an open minded point of view. I'll guide you, laugh with you and buy you chocolate and peanut butter icecream (because although icecream doesn't cure everything, it sure tastes good!). Most of all, ill walk with you and be your friend.

My fellow friends and family, close down your eyes, and save all the sweet memories in your heart. Remember, when you stumble and fall, even though it takes time to pick yourself back up again, you will always be stronger. Time heals all wounds.



Until the stars fall,

JP x

PS: i think a late night text message wishing someone goodnight doesn't only mean goodnight, but is a silent message saying you are my last thought at night.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Create Some Sunshine

Finally a cooler day at last! I was getting so tired of the heat and feeling sweaty, i've been waiting for this rain to come for days, and finally, the weather has cooled down. I woke up this morning just after 5am, got myself ready and waited to drop my friend off at Pacific Fair for work. Headed home (traffics a breeze at that time of the morning) and once i arrived home, headed inside and jumped on my bed but could not get to sleep. I fired up my laptop and began searching for jobs. Considering my study plans are on hold for this year i'd love to get a job, get working and get a steady, regular income coming in so i can pay my bills, give back the money i owe to my mum, catch up on rent i've missed and save for a car. Damn my grandpa car Harry. Im not kidding, it's literally a grandpa car. I drive a 1998 Ford Fairmont that i've had a fair few years now and its got its dings, dints and scratches all over. I have one tinted window from when i feel asleep driving and crashed into a light post, and my passenger side mirror hit into the window and it smashed all over me. From sitting in the salt air at Seaworld for over three years the paints peeling pretty badly, it needs a service, the air con needs fixing, and the interior roofing has fallen pretty low but i refuse to spend money on what it looks like at the moment. Im adamant ill have a new one soon!

I spent the morning bumming around the house watching one tree hill and listening to music trying to unlock some hidden inspiration. Made some pancakes for breakfast and had them with some fresh grapes and frozen mixed berries. I went to the plaza and bought some groceries (do you ever feel like you just live your life at a shopping centre?!) feel like im there all the time, but anyway, i got a spray tan so it looks like i've been down at the beach everyday. Thats sun makeup. I just needed to feel good about myself; my body. Okay, so you're probably thinking theres nothing wrong with my body but all human beings don't like something about their own bodies, and no matter what anyone says to you you can't switch off what you think. I wish i could see myself how others saw me.

Spending some time to myself today has really got me thinking though. Thinking about the way i've been the past few years, the beliefs i've held, the goals i had and so on. I guess today was quite simply introspective. This year its time to make a difference and be the change. I just want to get outside more and head to places i've never been before, and see something new. Right now my dreams are waking up and ive realised that theres no point sitting back and wishing/waiting, you have to get up and just do something. Because doing something opens doors to the unexpected and who knows what can come from it.

The ups and downs already experienced this year is only the beginning. Relationships have broken apart around me and new friendships have been formed. I can't promise that anything will go according to plan but i can promise that i'll always be there for my family and friends. I don't have a large circle of friends. I don't need it, but what i do have is the best family i know and a best friend that i care about so much. She's been through her own ups and downs this year and all i want to do is be there for her like she has always been for me. Having a great friendship takes time to build and i love her so much, i honestly don't know what id do without her. I trust her, because she forces me to examine, and encourages me to grow. We give each other the freedom to be ourselves and appreciate one another for who we are, no matter what mistakes we make.

You know sometimes strangers are just friends waiting to happen

The Mind-Body Problem of Consciousness


A Theoretical Essay: The Mind-Body Problem of Consciousness
By Jodie Stewart (2011) ©
One of the most debated and remarkably ambiguous terms society has sought to understand is that of the nature of consciousness. It is one of the most perplexing areas of philosophy, and the most complex of the mind-body problem as human beings strive to understand the subtleties of existence. For centuries, mankind have sought to provide a definitive meaning for ‘consciousness’ by proposing a range of forms and types and asking questions such as what is consciousness? Is consciousness purely subjective and only with regard to a first person point of view? How do human beings recognise that a conscious mental state correlates to the body? The contemporary literature holds that consciousness refers to the subjective awareness of mental events and serves at least two functions: monitoring the self and the environment and controlling thought and behaviour (Weston, Burton, & Kowalski, 2006). Providing a definitive answer or conclusion to describe the mental state for consciousness has proven, over time, to be problematic and is seen as the most essential topic in the study of the mind.
The term ‘consciousness’ conjures up images of vastly complex mental activities such as self-realisation and self-analysis and perhaps, it also conjures up something more phenomenal, such as seeing the colour ‘red’ or feeling pain. Similarly, the term consciousness corresponds to ‘awareness’ and ‘experience’. Sigmund Freud made clear that much of the emotional life is unconscious and emotions that stir within us do not always bridge the gap into awareness (Goleman, 1995) or into our ‘consciousness.’ According to Carruthers (2000), there are unconscious experiences that rely on the explanation of what ‘experience’ means. There are many different theories of consciousness and an abundance of information has been explored on the matter throughout the history of the human race and a clear definition remains elusive.
The two broad traditional theories of the mind-body problem are dualism and materialism. Although there are many different versions of these two theories, the principle idea of dualism is that the mind and body are different substances independent of one another and the theory of materialism believes that everything that exists is physical (Kalat, 2009). The history of the theory of dualism extends back to the French philosopher Rene Descartes who defended the idea of interaction in space between the mind and brain. Interestingly, this notion has no common grounding for the law of physics and the history of the big bang theory: the amount of energy and matter has been fixed since it all began (Kalat, 2009).
According to Kalat (2009) there are a few subtypes that come under the umbrella of the monism theory of consciousness, which explores the notion everything on earth and in the universe as an entity was created of only one kind of matter. The different subtypes include the materialist view that everything that exists is physical; the mentalist view that the mind only exists because something physical is aware of it and lastly the identity position which explores different subjective experiences and denotes that all stem from some kind of brain activity (Kalat, 2009).
Many psychologists have argued that many animal species are capable of having subjective experiences, and more is known today about the biological makeups between humans and animals such as brain and DNA structures, than was known previously (Gennaro, 2005). Of course, there are many similarities and differences; however, most philosophers accept that a large portion of the animal world is capable of perceptual states of consciousness (Carruthers, 2000) such as self-recognition and feeling pain.
Self-recognition of animals was reviewed in Gallups (1977) study of orangutans and chimpanzees. Gallup (1977) aimed to determine whether or not these animals were proficient enough to recognise themselves by providing them extended exposure to mirrors and then placing a marking on the animal only identifiable when viewed in the mirror. The first part of the study was successful, and the animals illustrated displays of self-directed behaviour and recognition only after a few days, however, the ability to recognise oneself did appear to be impacted by early social relationships (Gallup, 1977).
In a study on the neurobehavioural nature of fishes with reference to awareness and pain, Rose (2002) examined whether or not fish were capable of pain and suffering. In a neurobehavioral sense the assumption is that fish suffer from pain similarly to humans (Bateson, 1992; Gregory, 1999). Surprisingly, Rose (2002) found that fish lack behavioural responses to harmful stimulus that are capable in the brains of human beings, where regions that respond to pain are found in the cerebral cortex. These specified regions of the brain involved in awareness and response to pain are found in humans but seem to be lacking in fish (Rose, 2002). Although it is unlikely fish do not experience pain and fear, they do display non-conscious physiological stress responses to harmful stimulus. Although it’s plausible to believe animals can and do display perceptual states of consciousness such as feeling pain, showing a fear response, and recognising oneself, areas are still under investigation at to what extent these occur. According to Kalat (2009), none of us know for sure if another species, and even another human being is conscious because consciousness cannot be observed. 
Due to the remarkable advances in technology, the world of science and philosophers alike have marveled at the possibilities of perhaps creating a mechanical or physical system that is truly conscious and is able to perform all of the behavioural functions and relevant tasks of the subconscious, of animals or humans. For decades, philosophers have been fascinated by the question, could a conscious robot ever be created? Could a robot, or machine have subjective experiences such as seeing colour, and have recognition of that colour or feel a stab of pain and recognise it as a painful stimulus? Computers and machines are unlike any other piece of technology around and scientists, philosophers, neurobiologists and even those non-scientists believe a machine may someday be created as the intelligent behaviour of computers continues to progress (Christof & Giulio, 2011). As mentioned earlier in this essay, consciousness refers to the individual awareness of mental events and attends to at least two main functions: monitoring the self and the environment, and controlling thought and behaviour (Weston, Burton, & Kowalski, 2006). Because of this rationale then, a conscious robot could be created if the machine was programmed to understand and to be aware of its experiences and environment.
In an experiment by John Searle (1980), called the Chinese room argument, Searle followed English instructions to manipulate Chinese symbols to answer questions in Chinese. Searle (1980) came to the conclusion that computers simply follow a program; therefore a machine doesn’t really understand anything like our human brain does. From the outside looking in, an onlooker would think Searle could read and understand Chinese, however, he completed the task based on syntax alone by manipulating and arranging the symbols. Although the experiment was presented with criticism Searle (1980) believed that a machine couldn’t generate meaning from symbols, and understand how they correlate to one another like the neural networks of the human mind (Searle, 1980).
According to the study by Christof and Giulio (2011), a conscious machine would need to have acquired knowledge (which would have to be programmed) and be able to demonstrate a subjective understanding of whether an image is depicted to be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ for example a dolphin perched on top of a garden fence is ‘wrong’; the robot must be able to recognise the different facts in the picture and be aware that it does not make sense. Assembling these kinds of facts is an essential part of a conscious mental state. According to Kalat (2009) though human beings are also programmed by their genes and past experiences.
Christof and Giulio (2011) as neurobiologists, are interested in the inner workings of the brain and how subjective experiences are established. The integrated information theory of consciousness demonstrates that most living beings have an established sense of subjective states that make up experiences such as feeling pain and remembering a thought (Christof & Giulio, 2011). The brain processes these experiences and merges incoming sensory information with the information stored from its memory to make sense of the environment surrounding it. Searles (1980) Chinese experiment illustrates then that computers following of a program lacks genuine comprehension.
Christof and Giulio (2011) make reference to the fact that information processed in our brains is integrated. For example, when a family member shows a saddened face and tears, the brain takes that information as a whole entity and this information cannot be divided into separate, unrelated mechanisms for processing on their own, therefore what we experience is confirmed as a whole. Overall, a conscious mental state then is one where a myriad of interactions among relevant parts of the brain takes place (Christof & Guilio, 2011). If a machine is able to distinguish between different experiences and emotion even, is it merely a simulation of some mental activity, or a genuine duplication and assimilation of it’s own?
According to the theory that consciousness relies on subjective experiences and integration between different parts of the brain, a programmed machine cannot imitate that process.  Say if a scientist were to create a machine with ‘consciousness’, it would simply be an imitation from the scientist’s point of view of consciousness and what a conscious mental state constitutes and this may be different from another person’s point of view, because the meaning of consciousness is subjective in itself. The machines programmed experiences would simply not be a reflection of it’s own experiences and years of evolution, but an imitation of someone else’s and what the programmer believes to be the most important and relevant subunits of the mind that create consciousness. There’s only a limited amount of variables one can program into a machine, so perhaps the question comes down to biological makeup and general physiology of the nature of consciousness in human and animal existence.
Despite the many questions and theories that arise to determine whether a machine could be conscious and have subjective experiences, the main point to consider is that a computer hard drive with already stored information doesn’t interact with new sensory input like how the brain interacts with the body. As Christof and Guilio (2011) mention, although a computer has the capabilities to store more static information than our lifetime of memories, this information remains stagnant and unmoving, where as the human mind is constantly dynamic and evolving. Unlike a machine, that stays largely disconnected, the human brains subconscious consistently evolves along with the conscious; therefore, such programmed neural networks would need to be created to imitate this.








Wednesday, February 22, 2012

It's Time.


This is what it felt like. Smooth, wholesome and pure, and all it needed was love...

It wasn’t an ‘it’ but he was male and he had a name. He didn’t have any hair and to touch him, his skin felt as smooth as an eggplant...

It was too early in the morning that day, about 2am. As i looked to the sky above me there wasn't a star to be seen... Rain sprinkled over us, that's when the chills started.
He couldn’t feed properly, so they had to result to force-feeding him and that was heart wrenching to watch. He was so small and helpless, and cried for his mum at the prick of a needle for his blood samples.

That’s when I reached out my arms to embrace him, and felt the touch of his warm skin. He couldn’t breathe properly, his eyes were clenched tightly shut and his heart pounded rapidly, alost reverberating across his entire body.

I walked with him, in circles, in just the one direction... talking to him, comforting him, grasping at any little hope there was in my mind that everything would be okay... 

Then he stopped breathing. He was just a baby...over a few months old. 

Sunflowers - no matter what sadness life brings, how can something so beautiful and pure not make one smile. 

Out of all the experiences i've had in my life, i've learnt that we need to be strong in the face of uncertain circumstances. We can't prepare ourselves for the unexpected conditions and surroundings we are thrown into, it's pointless to think we can possibly prepare ourselves for every situation because at the end of the day we can't. I think the problem comes when you find yourself in a vicious cycle repeating the same mistakes over and over, and you subconsciously refuse to learn from the past. Although growing up isn't an option, growth is. When we reflect back on our lives (as one must often should do) there comes a time when you realise going back isn't an option. Say for an example, you might have a thing for someone for a while, you start seeing them and the next step is a committed relationship, but the counterpart is afraid. A little under two years on from that original feeling and meeting, the two decide to be friends and perhaps see if anything more could come of it, however, this rarely works. So much has changed for both people they realise going backwards isn't an option. I believe in life we should listen to our gut instincts and always move forwards and not backwards, otherwise, we will find ourselves living in a rut. That constant, vicious cycle of "perhaps" and "maybes". Maybe someone was trying to tell you in the beginning to be careful because this one isn't worth it. Growth isn't something that happens overnight. It takes time. It's a journey full of surprises. It's our life and its these experiences that help shape who we are today. 

Just recently i've made a new friend. I've only known him for about a week but when you meet someone who has grown up and had a completely different life to you in another country, and had different experiences to you or been involved in things you'd never dream of, theres so much curiosity about. You can't help it, you just want to ask questions and truly get to know them. Im eager to know more about him and i enjoy his company. As we get older its hard to make new friends, decent ones at that (especially in the pretentious scene that is the gold coast) because sometimes they are just not the same as the ones you are used to. When your working or studying or getting to the gym, its hard to find that balance. Nevertheless for myself at the moment i'm enjoying spending time with someone who i don't really know, someone that makes me laugh and smile and allows me to be the person i am without judgement. We communicate honestly and openly and say whats on our minds. Theirs no hidden agendas, or games. I think its what i needed. I'm happy and thats what matters. I've decided to move forward by ridding my life of anything negative that brings me down, including past people i've been with, because whilst i don't regret being with the people i have, i can't be friends with them. I don't want to because it doesn't feel right. 

For the past few years i've been pretty unwell, (as i've mentioned numerous amount of times in previous blogs) and i've been struggling to get well and stay well. This year that is all going to change. Our lives are made up of 10% what happens to us, and 90% the way we react to it and I'm committed to be the person that i used to be. Its not that I went on some misled adventure and i have no idea what i want in life, i have an idea of course but life happened, experiences happened that changed my direction. I have short and long term goals and I constantly think about the bigger picture (at least it sits in the back of my mind). This year, i'm determined to find myself again and focus on having a positive attitude and staying committed to me, because like an ex boyfriend said to me: "you are so amazing and i'm so sorry for not allowing you to be the wonderful person that you are." So this year, i'm what matters and i'm putting myself first. Maybe that sounds selfish, but unless you are happy with yourself and who you are, how can you be happy with anyone else? 

I tried to write a poem today, but my inspirations a little all over the place! I made a few notes about my novel. I think whilst i'm not studying i should be writing and preparing my characters and continue my novel... it has a title.. "A Night at the Box". -- just feel like i'm under the upperhand... 

Until the stars fall

JP xxx

PS: My bud in the spring, i shed no more tears. RIP Stormy

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The day after, the day of love.

Firstly i would like to mention that this is my 100th blog post.

100th!

...Sure, it should have come a lot sooner. As i'll admit (once again) i've been lazy and haven't had the time to give my blog the attention it deserves. Never say never as an old friend used to say to me from Seaworld. Not just any old friend, a person i considered my best friend at the time, and although we have parted and life has taken different courses for the both of us i still hold him in high regard and think of him often, hoping he is happy in all parts of his life. The little things. Often we would discuss the little things, stay up late texting each other the biggest text conversations ever, (mine with many spelling errors due to trying to text type too quickly and dictionary never working on my phone). Always, no matter what hour of the day, rain or shine, he was there for me and i'll never forget it. He helped me through a rough patch in my life. So im not sure if you're reading this, i know you check it often to see if i've posted since you were always my number one supporter apart from my dad who says every blog of mine is good, but i'm writing again. Writing again thanks to our conversation on facebook the other night. Writing because it feels right. I write because i love it.

 Fuck i miss writing and so much has happened in my life that one little blog post stating im back again aint going to do it justice. You should see the scribbles of thoughts on random pieces of paper floating about my room and on my desk and in my handbag. Urgh! So many times i've wanted to get back on here but the timing wasn't right. But when is it right! Sometimes the best things in life are unexpected of course they are. From the people we meet when we aren't expecting to meet anyone, to what you're having for lunch tomorrow hell you don't know, unless you are one of those prepared anal people who set out everything according to plan including the next 7 meals you're having for lunch. Or maybe you just wanna save money and the easiest thing to do is have leftovers for lunch. well, whatever the reason, im writing so if your drinking a JD and coke, a beer, glass of red or sipping your champagne, or skolling your herbal supplement shot and chasing it with a glass of orange juice because your immune system is so low you're on a weird plan (okay ill get to that later...) raise your glass because im back baby! Oh i forgot to mention...that can wait to. OKAY deep breath, close your eyes, get that butt comfy and get writing.

So much to catch up on. well, you what. The most interesting part to me is the fact that ... drum roll please.. I HAVE A SISTER. Alright, so she is my half sister, but nevertheless, i have a sister and just after christmas 2011, my older brother and i flew to melbourne to meet up with my dad and two older half brothers (try not get to confused) to meet her. We spent quite a bit of time together sightseeing and getting to know each others idiosyncrasies, letting the sis in on a few family secrets (you know, what the father as she calls him is really like) haha dad i promise it was all good....... well you were there for some of it haha. Hey, might as well learn the truth in the present, now or never, how he was as a father to us, the work stuff, the separation between him and my mum, him as a child and so on. Unfortunately my other older brother wasn't able to make it with his wife (yes wife!) he got married on Dec 15th so he beat all of us to the punch. I suppose he is meant to.. he is older than me.. anywho, back to melbourne. So we had a great time spending the days and nights together, getting to a little more about each other and the best part was that i got to spend some quality time not only with my sister but with Joshua, my older half brother from New Zealand. I enjoyed our discussions because he was very empathetic and understanding about the health problems i'd been through last year and it was nice to talk to someone who understood exactly what i was going through. What a big brothers for i guess? :) Of course i loved the zoo mostly out of everything we did as an outing because the zoo is where its at! The animals are beautiful and i could have watched the elephants all day. Since my last trip to the zoo one of the elephant females had had her baby so it was great to watch the two babies play together and interact with their mothers and the other female. The only thing was the heat was a killer that day. Sometimes the weather got up to 40+ degrees so it was a little hard to stay hydrated. One thing missing from my trip to melbourne was of course my mum, but also a friend of mine from highschool who lives there. Everytime i've been to Melbourne i've always had good intentions of catching up with him, yet it never seems to happen. He is one of the most talented and clever kids i know, and i miss him dearly. One day ill get round to seeing that face of his whilst im there, unless he goes jet setting to America!

Now considering im, well me, and im always sick, surprise, surprise I got a little sick on new years eve and had to leave dinner early. I was throwing up in the ladies bathroom and felt so ill and nautious i had to go home and miss out on the buzz of New Years and seeing the fireworks at Federation Square. At least i got to watch it on video the next day... You know, it's about time this sickness business stopped. Im tired of feeling sick. Over the past 2 weeks, nearly 3, i've had an awful viral infection with severe headaches, fevers, chills, night sweats, vomiting, sore throat and coughing with the most terrible muscle and joint aches i've ever felt. Believe me i was so glad that the pain in my joints stopped not long after my trip to hospital because that is not something i want to feel again! Anyway, im feeling a lot better now and i've seen a naturopath to get on top of it. Im on vitamin B tablets twice a day, immune boosters twice a day, a herbal supplement three times a day and a super smoothie with protein, oat milk, chia seeds, flaxseed oil, lecithen and fruit. Its pretty good actually and i have noticed a difference. I've just been taking it easy instead of throwing myself into the deep end. Apparently i have a really low immune system (i believe that) and adrenal gland insufficiency. Everything that was explained to me though is very helpful and i can see why my body is the way it is today. Its very disappointing that i had to drop my massage course because i missed too many sessions, however, i've decided to have a break from study, find a job and focus on saving to study massage next year. Im only 22 years old and i have an entire life ahead of me. I want to save some money so i can move out of home and start living my own life.

Its not a bad thing living at home i just want my own space sometimes and its hard to get it here. Sometimes i need to be by myself, otherwise, i get pretty moody. I am trying to control it and learn why i get the way i do but by gee its difficult sometimes! I miss my dad. He's living with my brother and his wife in Calamvale and doesn't have a car so he can't really visit me. I know i can contact him on skype or call him on the phone but i wish sometimes he'd think to call me and ask me if im okay. He's never been good at that...