It's Time.

This is what it felt like. Smooth, wholesome and pure, and all it needed was love...

It wasn’t an ‘it’ but he was male and he had a name. He didn’t have any hair and to touch him, his skin felt as smooth as an eggplant...

It was too early in the morning that day, about 2am. As i looked to the sky above me there wasn't a star to be seen... Rain sprinkled over us, that's when the chills started.

He couldn’t feed properly, so they had to result to force-feeding him and that was heart wrenching to watch. He was so small and helpless, and cried for his mum at the prick of a needle for his blood samples.

That’s when I reached out my arms to embrace him, and felt the touch of his warm skin. He couldn’t breathe properly, his eyes were clenched tightly shut and his heart pounded rapidly, alost reverberating across his entire body.

I walked with him, in circles, in just the one direction... talking to him, comforting him, grasping at any little hope there was in my mind that everything would be okay... 

Then he stopped breathing. He was just a baby...over a few months old. 

Sunflowers - no matter what sadness life brings, how can something so beautiful and pure not make one smile. 

Out of all the experiences i've had in my life, i've learnt that we need to be strong in the face of uncertain circumstances. We can't prepare ourselves for the unexpected conditions and surroundings we are thrown into, it's pointless to think we can possibly prepare ourselves for every situation because at the end of the day we can't. I think the problem comes when you find yourself in a vicious cycle repeating the same mistakes over and over, and you subconsciously refuse to learn from the past. Although growing up isn't an option, growth is. When we reflect back on our lives (as one must often should do) there comes a time when you realise going back isn't an option. Say for an example, you might have a thing for someone for a while, you start seeing them and the next step is a committed relationship, but the counterpart is afraid. A little under two years on from that original feeling and meeting, the two decide to be friends and perhaps see if anything more could come of it, however, this rarely works. So much has changed for both people they realise going backwards isn't an option. I believe in life we should listen to our gut instincts and always move forwards and not backwards, otherwise, we will find ourselves living in a rut. That constant, vicious cycle of "perhaps" and "maybes". Maybe someone was trying to tell you in the beginning to be careful because this one isn't worth it. Growth isn't something that happens overnight. It takes time. It's a journey full of surprises. It's our life and its these experiences that help shape who we are today. 

Just recently i've made a new friend. I've only known him for about a week but when you meet someone who has grown up and had a completely different life to you in another country, and had different experiences to you or been involved in things you'd never dream of, theres so much curiosity about. You can't help it, you just want to ask questions and truly get to know them. Im eager to know more about him and i enjoy his company. As we get older its hard to make new friends, decent ones at that (especially in the pretentious scene that is the gold coast) because sometimes they are just not the same as the ones you are used to. When your working or studying or getting to the gym, its hard to find that balance. Nevertheless for myself at the moment i'm enjoying spending time with someone who i don't really know, someone that makes me laugh and smile and allows me to be the person i am without judgement. We communicate honestly and openly and say whats on our minds. Theirs no hidden agendas, or games. I think its what i needed. I'm happy and thats what matters. I've decided to move forward by ridding my life of anything negative that brings me down, including past people i've been with, because whilst i don't regret being with the people i have, i can't be friends with them. I don't want to because it doesn't feel right. 

For the past few years i've been pretty unwell, (as i've mentioned numerous amount of times in previous blogs) and i've been struggling to get well and stay well. This year that is all going to change. Our lives are made up of 10% what happens to us, and 90% the way we react to it and I'm committed to be the person that i used to be. Its not that I went on some misled adventure and i have no idea what i want in life, i have an idea of course but life happened, experiences happened that changed my direction. I have short and long term goals and I constantly think about the bigger picture (at least it sits in the back of my mind). This year, i'm determined to find myself again and focus on having a positive attitude and staying committed to me, because like an ex boyfriend said to me: "you are so amazing and i'm so sorry for not allowing you to be the wonderful person that you are." So this year, i'm what matters and i'm putting myself first. Maybe that sounds selfish, but unless you are happy with yourself and who you are, how can you be happy with anyone else? 

I tried to write a poem today, but my inspirations a little all over the place! I made a few notes about my novel. I think whilst i'm not studying i should be writing and preparing my characters and continue my novel... it has a title.. "A Night at the Box". -- just feel like i'm under the upperhand... 

Until the stars fall

JP xxx

PS: My bud in the spring, i shed no more tears. RIP Stormy