The dark days are over, and the sun begins to shine.
When it rains, it pours. The past month it's rained more than i ever thought it would. I feel so lucky to have the sunshine we are having lately. As the rain pelted down on our roof, somehow a calming effect surrounded me. It's soft and warm like a babys blanket. Anytime the sun shines a sense of calm overwhelms me also. It surrounds my body like a security blanket, a warm hot chocolate milk drink and a kiss from your lover. Today, i here return that kiss you stole. A fleeting memory. In your arms i was held, your heart beating against my chest...butterflies surged through my stomach. Almost like an acquisitive mind, a rainbow of colours, a whirlwind of freedom was you unto me. This kind of feeling only lasts a few moments, because like a baby outgrows its little blanket, the rain stops, or the sun is shadowed by the clouds, eventually leaving behind a world he or she will not miss. Will i be just a memory like everyone else? Of course. I had high hopes for the year, what a long eventful journey it has been. I feel emotionally worn out; ship wrecked. I'm always that girl stuck in a picture frame. The girl who has that dream, yet doesn't have the confidence to achieve it. My hormones have been a roller coaster ride, my stomach hurts, i feel sick, dizzy and tired. My muscles are always aching yet i try and show people i'm fit and well. Put on a brave face and show them i'm okay. Lately i've felt anxious especially after my hospital trip last week, my chest feels tight and i really want to sleep. I went for a drive last night and saw more than a few poles i wanted to crash into. I thought, if i ended up in hospital i wouldn't have to feel this way. I started feeling 'better', more 'normal'. They say if you want to be a writer, just write. If you want to act, act. If you want to surf, surf. If you want to take your clothes off and run around a football stadium, then do it. Who's to stop you, but yourself? And perhaps the law, in terms of the football streaker. We are the ones who stop ourselves from achieving everything we dream of. I want to write a story, will it be good? Will people read it, want to buy it and be interested? I write poetry to express how i feel. I've created characters i could pull for a story. Writing makes sense to me, as does yoga. I'm expressive yet afraid. Loving and confused. I aim to learn more about myself, my mind and my emotions. Character building and emotional understanding means alot me and i aim to know why i think the way i do. What exactly makes me tick, why i think a certain way about someone, what inbuilt system (in our consciousness) tells us about people. Reasons.
I almost feel like i'm marginalised; a snapshot of society conflicted through my words. It feels like a sentence where nouns and adjectives, commas and even capital letters are superfluous. Life is not superfluous, but things in life tend to be, or so we think. Wouldn't parts of our lives be so much easier to handle if we just knew what was going to happen say.. 3 months later? You wouldn't get yourself into the mess you did, you would drink more water and the such, so not to get a UTI and you wouldn't get into the car knowing that at 4:30 in the morning, you're too tired to stay awake, fall asleep and crash into a street light. Our lives mean freedom of choice. We can't predict the way our lives turn out, but it's important to remember that each decision we make affects the rest of our lives and those around us. Suicide stops the hurting from the person who commits it, but it just passes the pain onto everyone else around them. It takes guts to end your own life, but it's gutless to leave so much pain for your family and friends. Suicide happens all around us and everyone can admit they've thought about it more than once. I know i have... but then i think about all the people who it would affect in my life, my friends, family, and future nieces and nephews who would never get to know the real me. I wouldn't be able to see everyone i care about grow up and fulfill their potential.
There's always a reason people act the way they do, from childhood and beyond the years. They say life is easy but the 'growing up' in life is difficult. We live the way we want to and our actions ALWAYS have consequences; sometimes good or bad. Either or, when your horse is off and racing it doesn't stop until it cruises past the finish line, yet a sudden hurdle can stop it in it's tracks. It jolts, and you fly out of the seat butt first onto the mud - definitely a scene felt from most peoples lives. Everything's looking up, you're happy and you feel confident again. Then, one text message, phone call, or anything else brings your world crashing down around you (or so it seems). As we go through life we put up walls; walls made of paper, sticks, stones, bricks and concrete. They are different sizes, thickness, shades and colours and certain people break through these walls revealing the inner being which is you. It's ruthless and exciting, nerve-racking and energising all at once. Depending on who we let through and who made it to the finish lines of ourselves, depends on our reaction when they leave. People always leave. What hurts the most? The great memories? Family members and your loved ones or your friends? Each scenario is different and unique to the next, yet relevant. Which hurts the most? Maybe there isn't an answer. It depends on how much that person grew on you and how close to you they become. Some friends can't leave, they know too much! And others, you might have hurt them, or they hurt you and the healing process takes time.
The past two weeks have been really important for me. I've made new friends and re established friendships with old ones. Due to everything with t
he predicament, the most important thing i need to do is focus on myself, (as i've said before). I'm heading back to Bond University next year to begin my Bachelor of Arts degree with a double major in Film and Television (this way i obtain credit for everything else i've studied). Im focussing on Yoga once a week, swimming twice a week and riding my bike to and from work everyday (unless it's raining). Today was my first ride and since my asthma attack i was pretty apprehensive about it. I'm proud of myself today, i only stopped once on the way home to take some more ventolin. I have a pounding headache, am exhausted but utterly stoked with myself! The last few months of this year are going to be great. It's that thing called
attitude and with exercise releasing positive endorphins, hopefully my attitude will stay positive. All i wanted to do was see Mondo Rock, Baby Animals and the Beach Boys tonight but couldn't get a ticket. So i think the coolest thing to do right now, is drive up there, take a jacket and an old friend and listen to them out the front. Yeah, i think that's cool!
