Life is an eternal quest about knowing oneself. Don't be afraid to explore, dream and discover for what lies beyond our front doors is a world of adventure, discovery and meaning. If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place. For the moment, this is the stage i'm at in my life. I've been closely in and out of this stage since may 2007 but will do everything in my power to move forward, explore and exude passion and enthusiasm in everything i do. The world moves in mysterious ways and the best things in life are spontaneously unexpected, gloriously overwhelming and put simply, unforeseen. As i've said earlier, each little step turns into one leap forward and slowly, each day i am achieving this. Sure, there's always setbacks and hurdles we need to overcome but if we change our frame of mind and see them as challenges, then it's possible to overcome these.
My goal in life is to live everything i do with passion and excitement. I aim to be generous and warmhearted, creative and enthusiastic, broad-minded and expansive, faithful and loving. At times i'm moody, intolerable, independent, ambitious, open, erratic and so on, but i believe in myself and i believe that anything is possible.
As Henry Ford once said: "Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realise this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching forward." I couldn't have said it better myself. Our minds thrive on challenges and therefore build our 'life experience' database, so in the future we can offer advice to those in need and nurture our children. We are all imperfect, living in an imperfect world and these setbacks teach us how important motivation, courage and bravery is. Just like with our emotions, if we didn't experience sadness, grief and the such we wouldn't appreciate the times when we are happy.
Each day my aim is to learn something new whether it be about the world, a particular animal, about myself or family etc i want to be able to go to sleep knowing i gained a little more knowledge and wisdom to add to my 'database.' Each week i've decided to challenge myself with something new to keep my mind open and try different things. This week was to begin a consistent regime of pilates, yoga and modern jive. It is only wednesday but success so far. As the weather heats up swimming at least twice a week for 30mins will be on the agenda to help ease my asthma and it is on the way to work so why not. Each month i aim to move closer towards paying off my credit card debt and inch by inch move closer towards saving for Cairns, Egypt, England and whatever else takes my fancy. Each year i aim to stand tall and be proud of everything i not only accomplished but gained and learned along the way. To stand with my family and loved ones and know that that particular year was something special. In 5 years? I'll have a finished degree, be healthy and fit, a confident yoga teacher and achieved ultimate stillness. Life isn't a fairytale, and we write our own paths based on our wants and needs, and i'm determined to create and be blessed with a fairytale ending: a happy family.
There is nothing more wonderful, than what it feels like to be in the presence of such beauty, wisdom and grace.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
When we reminisce...
As we fulfill our day to day duties, its interesting to note just how quickly time seems to pass us by, yet if we look back on our past even if its only a time frame such as 2months, it seems so long ago, when really it's not. October last year my ex and i ended our relationship. I moved home, he stayed and paid on with the rent until finally he could move out, and we continued on with our own lives. It feels a lifetime ago that we were together even though it's just under a year. Since then, so many different events have occurred, friends have come and gone, multi-hire job positions started/finished, a myriad of different schedules, needs, wants and the such. One year really isn't that long, but when you string it all out in front of you in a time line, and look back on everything you've learnt, achieved, gained and lost, wow... time does fly! This kind of reflection on my past year has made me realise that life is long if you know how to use it and most importantly that we don't need to rush things in life. If we slow down and take things at our own pace, we can appreciate life's intricacies and how beautiful developing a friendship or a relationship is. Everyone comes from a different background, we all have our different stories, experiences, wants, goals, desires etc. and to understand each other means understanding each persons individual emotional needs. We must build and gain trust between one another.
It takes two to tango, so in a relationship it's not one way or the other but two roads merging into one, understanding one another, compromising, being supportive and being there through thick and thin. There's always a little fear, excitement and that youthful naivety when meeting someone new so embrace it, you never know where it could lead you. Our past experiences with relationships give us an idea as to what we want for our future relationships, whether it be just a friendship, a life long friend or a new partner. Our feelings lead us down some crazy and unusual paths however its those spontaneous, unexpected feelings that take you by surprise, your off guard, vulnerable and not ready: or so you think. Apart of you may still be hurting from our past experiences but you aim to look forward and not let it affect your future. It's hard to adjust to different circumstances when you were once so used to waking up and seeing that person every morning, to closing your eyes at night to their face and feeling their warm breath on your neck. When you catch up with past partners sometimes those 'old feelings' come back as they say, however, perhaps it's simply a reminiscing of a time in your life where you were happy and it felt right at that time. But what about when you ended it? As difficult and sad as it was saying goodbye to someone you once loved so dearly, it was the right thing to do also. At the time of breakup and a few weeks after, months even, you miss them, you want to go back, you don't want to feel trapped again, your unsure if your thinking clearly whilst your head is clouded by your emotions and a myriad of phrases your mind mulls over makes you think twice. 6 months down the track you know you made the right choice, and you knew you were going to get over it. If something doesn't feel right, don't get stuck in a rut and go with your heart but don't let your emotions cloud your judgment. Everybody hurts, however, its times like these your taught an invaluable lesson: never give up on what you truly believe in, trust your instincts and be true to yourself.
It was a long and dark December 2009: I drank a lot of rum, didn't eat properly, was vulnerable, anxious and extremely paranoid; I was confused and lonely, i felt like a little lost soul in a maze of mud, stuck. I didn't know then if i made the right decision, or what i really wanted except that happiness was at the top of the list. I didn't want to feel afraid, i wanted to feel like me. When your in a relationship where you can't be yourself and find it hard to talk about what you really want, it's time to get out. At the moment i'm single and it is easier. I've been reflecting back on my past relationships as i can't help but notice the subtle differences but also the way i felt in them, and how i feel about them now. The different ways they understood me and the kind of person they thought i was. There are so many different things i enjoy that show my passion and excitement for life, and then there were times it was drained out of me and i was walking on eggshells. I've been looking at how this happened, what jumps out at me and illustrates the reasons why. Our minds are like a road map and our emotions even more, but when we look back and know where we were at that stage of our lives, we can grasp onto the things that made us happy and showed us who we really are, and know what got us there in the first place. Our emotions are more than words, because you could be saying one thing, but showing a completely different side of the story. As i grow up i aim to understand my emotions and know where i'm at. I aim to be the person i want to through hard work, dedication but most of all just being me. Open, honest, erratic (still admit it) When im me, im free. When im understanding whats going on in that little mind of mine, well even better.
It takes two to tango, so in a relationship it's not one way or the other but two roads merging into one, understanding one another, compromising, being supportive and being there through thick and thin. There's always a little fear, excitement and that youthful naivety when meeting someone new so embrace it, you never know where it could lead you. Our past experiences with relationships give us an idea as to what we want for our future relationships, whether it be just a friendship, a life long friend or a new partner. Our feelings lead us down some crazy and unusual paths however its those spontaneous, unexpected feelings that take you by surprise, your off guard, vulnerable and not ready: or so you think. Apart of you may still be hurting from our past experiences but you aim to look forward and not let it affect your future. It's hard to adjust to different circumstances when you were once so used to waking up and seeing that person every morning, to closing your eyes at night to their face and feeling their warm breath on your neck. When you catch up with past partners sometimes those 'old feelings' come back as they say, however, perhaps it's simply a reminiscing of a time in your life where you were happy and it felt right at that time. But what about when you ended it? As difficult and sad as it was saying goodbye to someone you once loved so dearly, it was the right thing to do also. At the time of breakup and a few weeks after, months even, you miss them, you want to go back, you don't want to feel trapped again, your unsure if your thinking clearly whilst your head is clouded by your emotions and a myriad of phrases your mind mulls over makes you think twice. 6 months down the track you know you made the right choice, and you knew you were going to get over it. If something doesn't feel right, don't get stuck in a rut and go with your heart but don't let your emotions cloud your judgment. Everybody hurts, however, its times like these your taught an invaluable lesson: never give up on what you truly believe in, trust your instincts and be true to yourself.
It was a long and dark December 2009: I drank a lot of rum, didn't eat properly, was vulnerable, anxious and extremely paranoid; I was confused and lonely, i felt like a little lost soul in a maze of mud, stuck. I didn't know then if i made the right decision, or what i really wanted except that happiness was at the top of the list. I didn't want to feel afraid, i wanted to feel like me. When your in a relationship where you can't be yourself and find it hard to talk about what you really want, it's time to get out. At the moment i'm single and it is easier. I've been reflecting back on my past relationships as i can't help but notice the subtle differences but also the way i felt in them, and how i feel about them now. The different ways they understood me and the kind of person they thought i was. There are so many different things i enjoy that show my passion and excitement for life, and then there were times it was drained out of me and i was walking on eggshells. I've been looking at how this happened, what jumps out at me and illustrates the reasons why. Our minds are like a road map and our emotions even more, but when we look back and know where we were at that stage of our lives, we can grasp onto the things that made us happy and showed us who we really are, and know what got us there in the first place. Our emotions are more than words, because you could be saying one thing, but showing a completely different side of the story. As i grow up i aim to understand my emotions and know where i'm at. I aim to be the person i want to through hard work, dedication but most of all just being me. Open, honest, erratic (still admit it) When im me, im free. When im understanding whats going on in that little mind of mine, well even better.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
She has this dream
She has this dream where she's sitting on the beach in a flowing, white dress, it's pouring down with rain, the air still as the waves crash gently along the shore line. Just sitting...waiting, almost catatonic, for you. If everything could ever feel this real forever, in a breath she would stop time. After all, you do know best. Going nowhere the tears start to fall down her cheeks. A very mad world, she says as she takes another breath. She sits cross legged, playing with the sand, quenching it between her toes, remembering you. She has this dream where she turns around and you walk through the door to her picture frame, her home. There's a bright, yellow sunflower in your hands, and a full moon behind you; stars glitter across the nights sky. Her eyes are open but she can't seem to see you. You're her dream. The rain falls around her, on her, drenching her body and drowning her soul but a look into your eyes sets her free. She knows no one can get to close to touch, to feel what she feels but this dream is so real. You are the one who makes her feel alive, and with you, the man dressed in black has disappeared. No longer is she haunted by the beast. Even if he was a protector, he made her feel fear, anxiety, she couldn't cope. She has this dream where you show up unexpectedly and kiss her gently in the rain. You hold her in the bath, candles lit around the two of you and you kiss her cheek. She has this dream where she wakes up and instead of being trapped in the picture frame on a rainy, cloudy day, she opens her eyes to you. She has this dream where she escapes to another realm.
sunday session
People are all the same, no matter where you go and each day i come to realise just how important my family means to me, through thick and thin, they will always be there for you. I have been enjoying work lately, except it's still very difficult at times. When talking to someone, its rude to have your back to them, and mumble under your breath. Well, at least, this is what i learnt growing up. Recently, i was told that the 'Jodie i knew and grew close to and was good friends with isn't the Jodie i know now.' Maybe that's because the Jodie you know now is the one that keeps to herself, because she can't talk to you like she used to, so keeps things deep in her heart. She confides in her mum, and confides in the predicament, because he makes her feel alive and has always been there for her. The Jodie 'now' has grown to realise that her and Georges friendship will never be the same, so has created a distance from him. Already it's uncomfortable and its true, i do enjoy work more without him simply because i don't feel like i've done something wrong. When he is there, not looking at me when speaking to me, keeping a rigid stance, rarely making eye contact but talking to others, it makes me feel uncomfortable so of course i'm going to enjoy it more when he isn't there. But when he is there, i'm excited to see him because we were once so very close, but straight away it doesn't feel right, like as soon as i walk in the door, i've done something wrong. So him rarely talking to me, creating a distance at work, makes it worse. Jodie can't talk to you and confide in you like she used to, because she knows you don't want to hear it. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, so i'm not going to openly share everything with everyone. The person i should be sharing it with is who i'm developing not only a close friendship, but a relationship with.
I am happy and feeling like me. There's more dancing, yoga, exercising, hanging out with old friends, coffee, seeing my family, enjoying actually coming home, writing and learning, reading and the list goes on. I've never tried to be anyone else. I'm happy... sometimes at work i don't seem happy, because it always seems so difficult to get along. Oh and another thing making me feel like me, my dammed sore throat! If only removing tonsils meant removing sore throats forever...
A good friend of mine once told a story about a little raindrop, which is he. He is enthusiastic in everything he does, is confident being him, and just like the little raindrop has overcome obstacles and doubt... come out on top, living his life with energy and passion. Check it out: http://stringsandstripes.blogspot.com/
Someday i hope to achieve this same goal, living life with energy and passion in everything i do. Since my asthma attack i can't dive, not anytime soon anyway. But i can snorkel, and enjoy the coral reefs closer to the surface. It also brought me back to yoga, because with deep inhalations i can control it. We are in control of our lives, don't ever think you're not. I'm strong, capable, flexible and can adapt to change and i will succeed. This is a challenge that i willingly accept, although i'm cautious, anxious and a little afraid, sometimes that brings out the best in us.
J.P.S
...and PS: it's the way he makes you feel. It's the way he kisses you. It's the way he holds you before you go to sleep at night, and what he whispers when you wake up.
He'll stare at you and tell you how happy you make him. It's that feeling your feeling when you want to keep feeling it. Happiness is never stopping to think if you are, but am i happy? Yes.
I am happy and feeling like me. There's more dancing, yoga, exercising, hanging out with old friends, coffee, seeing my family, enjoying actually coming home, writing and learning, reading and the list goes on. I've never tried to be anyone else. I'm happy... sometimes at work i don't seem happy, because it always seems so difficult to get along. Oh and another thing making me feel like me, my dammed sore throat! If only removing tonsils meant removing sore throats forever...
A good friend of mine once told a story about a little raindrop, which is he. He is enthusiastic in everything he does, is confident being him, and just like the little raindrop has overcome obstacles and doubt... come out on top, living his life with energy and passion. Check it out: http://stringsandstripes.blogspot.com/
Someday i hope to achieve this same goal, living life with energy and passion in everything i do. Since my asthma attack i can't dive, not anytime soon anyway. But i can snorkel, and enjoy the coral reefs closer to the surface. It also brought me back to yoga, because with deep inhalations i can control it. We are in control of our lives, don't ever think you're not. I'm strong, capable, flexible and can adapt to change and i will succeed. This is a challenge that i willingly accept, although i'm cautious, anxious and a little afraid, sometimes that brings out the best in us.
J.P.S
...and PS: it's the way he makes you feel. It's the way he kisses you. It's the way he holds you before you go to sleep at night, and what he whispers when you wake up.
He'll stare at you and tell you how happy you make him. It's that feeling your feeling when you want to keep feeling it. Happiness is never stopping to think if you are, but am i happy? Yes.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
..today's playlist..
Sometimes when the world sends us spinning, we want to do nothing more than drop into an easy chair and stare into space. But this approach often gives the brain free rein to continue its obsessive and agitated thinking. And, if obtaining peace of mind was as easy as telling ourselves to relax when we feel agitated, we'd all be walking around in a cocooned, blissful state. After many weeks of wanting to get back to a yoga class and putting it off with meaningless excuses, this morning i felt ready for an hour and a half class starting at 6am. My hips felt tight, my mind wandered, i was anxious about my breathing but tried to control my mind to focus on my breath and my ligaments took longer than usual to loosen, but nonetheless after the class i felt energised and ready to begin the day. I woke up at about ten to 5, so instead of trying to fall asleep again, in which id probably sleep past my alarm, i rose out of bed, showered and headed to class. I miss the way my body feels after strengthening and lengthening, and since i'm so used to getting up early now, i might as well start my day with exercise so after work i can focus on other things.
Yoga music is soothing, calming and definitely relaxing. During relaxation, the instructor came around and sprayed an antioxidant mist over us, and gave us a mini head massage. The relaxation part of yoga allows the breath to resonate with the rest of our bodies and become neutral. After heading home, it was breakfast, another shower and a trip to Ella Bache for a much needed facial, more relaxing music and a head massage. My face feels so smooth and supple, nice! Home, then out to the casino with mum to see 'Burn the Floor' - absolutely amazing! It makes you want to jump out of your seat and book in some latin classes. Very talented dancers from a variety of different countries and two amazing singers. Its great to go to a show where the talent shines out of each and every individual including of course the musicians. Now i'm even more excited about modern jive on friday.
This week didn't begin as well as i hoped, but has sure ended up to be a really good week. Days off from work always help and dinner at Hard Rock cafe with a pretty spunky guy, well that always turns things around. Just one thing, so much meat! Okay, now i had chicken fajitas (wraps) with chicken breast but there is no way i can eat chicken wings or ribs etc, the thought of eating meat off a bone makes me feel sick in the stomach. Maybe because i know its an animal? Do i want to be a vegetarian for the harm done to animals in the food process, yes. But i know my body more than ever needs some iron, and meat is meant to be eaten. Free range eggs, anyone? You know, we have a lot of fun together and Its great to meet someone you can be yourself with straight away, who knows everything about you, and doesn't judge you. Who doesn't look at your tattoos and assumes you do drugs, because anyone who knows me would understand i have never and will never touch anything. I'm a free spirit - i love tattoos, piercings, rum, yoga, my classical guitar, (still learning to play better) ballet, Stevie Wonder, One Tree Hill and the list goes on. But drugs for me, definitely not. Unfold me, breathe me for what i am.
Instead of losing myself again, i'm finding myself falling into the path of stillness. I feel safe, relaxed and like me. Most of all, i feel really happy. Remember that thing called 'attitude'... hmmm. me to!
Yoga music is soothing, calming and definitely relaxing. During relaxation, the instructor came around and sprayed an antioxidant mist over us, and gave us a mini head massage. The relaxation part of yoga allows the breath to resonate with the rest of our bodies and become neutral. After heading home, it was breakfast, another shower and a trip to Ella Bache for a much needed facial, more relaxing music and a head massage. My face feels so smooth and supple, nice! Home, then out to the casino with mum to see 'Burn the Floor' - absolutely amazing! It makes you want to jump out of your seat and book in some latin classes. Very talented dancers from a variety of different countries and two amazing singers. Its great to go to a show where the talent shines out of each and every individual including of course the musicians. Now i'm even more excited about modern jive on friday.
This week didn't begin as well as i hoped, but has sure ended up to be a really good week. Days off from work always help and dinner at Hard Rock cafe with a pretty spunky guy, well that always turns things around. Just one thing, so much meat! Okay, now i had chicken fajitas (wraps) with chicken breast but there is no way i can eat chicken wings or ribs etc, the thought of eating meat off a bone makes me feel sick in the stomach. Maybe because i know its an animal? Do i want to be a vegetarian for the harm done to animals in the food process, yes. But i know my body more than ever needs some iron, and meat is meant to be eaten. Free range eggs, anyone? You know, we have a lot of fun together and Its great to meet someone you can be yourself with straight away, who knows everything about you, and doesn't judge you. Who doesn't look at your tattoos and assumes you do drugs, because anyone who knows me would understand i have never and will never touch anything. I'm a free spirit - i love tattoos, piercings, rum, yoga, my classical guitar, (still learning to play better) ballet, Stevie Wonder, One Tree Hill and the list goes on. But drugs for me, definitely not. Unfold me, breathe me for what i am.
Instead of losing myself again, i'm finding myself falling into the path of stillness. I feel safe, relaxed and like me. Most of all, i feel really happy. Remember that thing called 'attitude'... hmmm. me to!
Monday, September 20, 2010
I dont wear my heart on my sleeve...
I don't wear my Heart on my sleeve, I just tell it how it is.
I need my personal space, privacy and trust.
I listen to my gut instincts and follow what I believe in.
I'm not afraid to get hurt.
I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, we are in control of our own lives.
I believe people should take a step back and look at what's going on in their own lives before getting involved in everyone elses.
Love isn't a losing game, it's a journey that results at times into a battlefield.
When two people are interested in one another, others shouldn't pressure them into something they aren't ready for: because, at the end of the day, the relationship you build is between you and the other person, set on your terms. Who cares about the 'norm' as long as your both happy and comfortable, right?
I'm myself in a world full of hatred, longing, violence, corruption, love, envy, jealousy, confusion, narcissism, curiosity, acceptance and the list goes on. This is our world. I try to be myself as best I can be. But life constantly puts up walls to test us as individuals, our boundaries, and to ask us to demonstrate if we have learnt from our past. For you i've fallen and i'm anxious about tonight. I need to tell him something but its too hard in a text message, and no, it's not that. Really guys, way to soon! But it's something else i need to explain to him about me, and i just hope i can find the right words to express it properly, and that he will make sense of what i'm saying. Some conversations are easier than others, and tonight will be interesting. For sure, i'll be left feeling vulnerable, again, but with hope he understands.
Im looking forward to these next two days off! Ill be walking Jenna in the rain (she does love it), exercising, catching up with my daddio, and sorting out some university stuff for next year - Fingers crossed its smooth sailing. And of course, i'll be finishing off some things i've made, practicing an old song on my classical guitar (i've got to get this down before i see cat boy again...) and watching Heroes, or Smallville... whatever takes my fancy! Ill be heading back up to Australia Zoo again soon for some more volunteering days. Yes, more poop scooping but it's so worth it, and learning manual. I guess some things are looking up!
I need my personal space, privacy and trust.
I listen to my gut instincts and follow what I believe in.
I'm not afraid to get hurt.
I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, we are in control of our own lives.
I believe people should take a step back and look at what's going on in their own lives before getting involved in everyone elses.
Love isn't a losing game, it's a journey that results at times into a battlefield.
When two people are interested in one another, others shouldn't pressure them into something they aren't ready for: because, at the end of the day, the relationship you build is between you and the other person, set on your terms. Who cares about the 'norm' as long as your both happy and comfortable, right?
I'm myself in a world full of hatred, longing, violence, corruption, love, envy, jealousy, confusion, narcissism, curiosity, acceptance and the list goes on. This is our world. I try to be myself as best I can be. But life constantly puts up walls to test us as individuals, our boundaries, and to ask us to demonstrate if we have learnt from our past. For you i've fallen and i'm anxious about tonight. I need to tell him something but its too hard in a text message, and no, it's not that. Really guys, way to soon! But it's something else i need to explain to him about me, and i just hope i can find the right words to express it properly, and that he will make sense of what i'm saying. Some conversations are easier than others, and tonight will be interesting. For sure, i'll be left feeling vulnerable, again, but with hope he understands.
Im looking forward to these next two days off! Ill be walking Jenna in the rain (she does love it), exercising, catching up with my daddio, and sorting out some university stuff for next year - Fingers crossed its smooth sailing. And of course, i'll be finishing off some things i've made, practicing an old song on my classical guitar (i've got to get this down before i see cat boy again...) and watching Heroes, or Smallville... whatever takes my fancy! Ill be heading back up to Australia Zoo again soon for some more volunteering days. Yes, more poop scooping but it's so worth it, and learning manual. I guess some things are looking up!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Believe in yourself, anything is possible.
E.E Cummings once said: "once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
As a young female in this world, i cant help but look at myself in the mirror and picture my legs being 3x the size they are, or my tummy being larger than what it is, however, surprisingly enough, i noticed something different. As i exercised in front of the mirror i started to feel better about how i looked. Physical activity releases endorphins, and watching myself exercise really helped to change my perspective. I could see my muscles working and my ligaments pulling and loosening through each stretch. It's only one small step, but it's going to take a long time to eventually be happy with the way i look. My friends instill confidence in me always and i'm grateful to have them around me. At work we wear wetsuits (most of the time depending on the weather) and i'm always so self conscious in them. I just want to relax.
Today was the first day of being permanent part-time in my line of work. It has been a long time coming, as i was offered it months ago but it took time for me to make the decision. It's stability, and definitely what i need right now. No new years day to celebrate, no chocolate covered candy hearts to give away but a smile across my face. A burst of spring but what it is, is something true: just another ordinary day, but a good day nonetheless. At the moment i'm just having a rest from playing my guitar and singing to Mondo Rocks, come said the boy.. Since Friday night, all i want to do is play guitar, sing, paint and dance. I guess i'm trying to bring out the lionesses creative side and unleash my madness. I exercised after work today, did some strength training and stretching for my flexibility, ate the best dinner in a long time (veggies) scrumptious! and hung out with my animals. I'm still getting headaches but i think its the change in diet... so i'm going to be persistent and see what happens over the next few months. It is times like these when i start to feel settled emotionally that i look back and reflect on the year so far.
Sometimes we think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring. What our lives really need is patience, stillness and less erratic behaviour that leads to stress and anxiety. A great group of friends to help us when we are in need and honesty. I can't fathom the thought of not being honest. Some people find it difficult to say sorry; it seems to be one of the hardest words but when we accept our mistakes and face the truth, courage and bravery pull us through and in the end, you will always feel better with yourself for being honest. If i had one last wish, it would be that people are honest with me. I'm not perfect and i miss the youthfulness and naivety of being a young child. Now i've grown up, things have changed but we need to remember the youthful enthusiasm and ability to believe without doubt, like we did once before. (thanks dork:P) To conquer our all requires patience, persistence, dedication and most of all passion. In the morning we wake up to a new day, so grasp it with passion and enthusiasm, because its then we become unstoppable.
and PS: i miss you
As a young female in this world, i cant help but look at myself in the mirror and picture my legs being 3x the size they are, or my tummy being larger than what it is, however, surprisingly enough, i noticed something different. As i exercised in front of the mirror i started to feel better about how i looked. Physical activity releases endorphins, and watching myself exercise really helped to change my perspective. I could see my muscles working and my ligaments pulling and loosening through each stretch. It's only one small step, but it's going to take a long time to eventually be happy with the way i look. My friends instill confidence in me always and i'm grateful to have them around me. At work we wear wetsuits (most of the time depending on the weather) and i'm always so self conscious in them. I just want to relax.
Today was the first day of being permanent part-time in my line of work. It has been a long time coming, as i was offered it months ago but it took time for me to make the decision. It's stability, and definitely what i need right now. No new years day to celebrate, no chocolate covered candy hearts to give away but a smile across my face. A burst of spring but what it is, is something true: just another ordinary day, but a good day nonetheless. At the moment i'm just having a rest from playing my guitar and singing to Mondo Rocks, come said the boy.. Since Friday night, all i want to do is play guitar, sing, paint and dance. I guess i'm trying to bring out the lionesses creative side and unleash my madness. I exercised after work today, did some strength training and stretching for my flexibility, ate the best dinner in a long time (veggies) scrumptious! and hung out with my animals. I'm still getting headaches but i think its the change in diet... so i'm going to be persistent and see what happens over the next few months. It is times like these when i start to feel settled emotionally that i look back and reflect on the year so far.
Sometimes we think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring. What our lives really need is patience, stillness and less erratic behaviour that leads to stress and anxiety. A great group of friends to help us when we are in need and honesty. I can't fathom the thought of not being honest. Some people find it difficult to say sorry; it seems to be one of the hardest words but when we accept our mistakes and face the truth, courage and bravery pull us through and in the end, you will always feel better with yourself for being honest. If i had one last wish, it would be that people are honest with me. I'm not perfect and i miss the youthfulness and naivety of being a young child. Now i've grown up, things have changed but we need to remember the youthful enthusiasm and ability to believe without doubt, like we did once before. (thanks dork:P) To conquer our all requires patience, persistence, dedication and most of all passion. In the morning we wake up to a new day, so grasp it with passion and enthusiasm, because its then we become unstoppable.
and PS: i miss you
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Picture in A frame
I painted a picture within a frame of everything i loved. I turned around and it was blank.
Without honesty, there's no base to fall back on. When things get tough, beating around the bush and not saying what you truly feel (even though you can't make sense of it yourself) can do more harm than good. Since before i can remember, actually i'm sure George would be able to tell me, i've strived to be honest in everything i do, and with the people i meet. When something does not feel quite right, your subconscious has picked it up and its at these times, we go with our gut instincts. They are always right.
So duck out of water, or as i said tiger in the ocean...now, that statement shows you just how much i know about animals; tigers absolutely love water and can swim up to 5kms in the ocean. I should have gone with my original saying, a tiger in a desert. Anyway, like a duck out of water life's roller coaster picks you up when you least expect it, taking you on a joyride, but when we are honest about how we feel, alot of the anguish, anxiousness and paranoia felt, disappears. Our gut instincts are inbuilt in us for a reason. They develop over time to help us with our decision making and choices. Patience is a virtue but the wait is very difficult, and im glad for the honesty. I try to be as open minded as possible about different things, but sometimes, your mind is like clockwork.
Controlling the minds clockwork, the magician works his magic,
he clings onto the small mechanics ties, does none but panic.
The metal won’t fit snuggly, its shifty, rusted and ruined,
travelling the world for this antique clock, clearly it’s not a shoe in.
One tick to get the day started, an alarm rings in the distance,
Two blinks the muscles twitch, the ligaments are tight,
Three elephants to feed, pet and show affection,
Four friends to comfort you and
Five things you don't even need to mention the
Five things you don't even need to mention the
Six worries that are on your mind but
Seven foods relieve you, there’s
Eight easy steps onto the path of stillness, so let’s do it.
Nine kisses from the ones you love, surprises and more,
Ten sea shells found below the surface on the ocean floor.
Eleven lucky sunflowers turning in the wind,
Twelve tears falling down your cheeks, why did you not listen?
Clockwork is a motion never ending or beginning,
breathlessness isn’t a warning but a mere beacon of hope.
Reflection of a past memory teaches us our boundaries,
in times like these, head over feet, just grasp the simple scope.
Heart it races, touch your toes, go crazy for a split second,
and listen to the silence of your breath.
Everybody’s free, so get it like you like it
and know you always went in at your best.
copyright Jodie Stewart 2010
copyright Jodie Stewart 2010
I had a really great night last night with a friend from Australia Zoo. It was so good to chill out, breathe normally, and hang out with someone different. Someone who's a dork like me. Since Wednesday my mind hasn't stopped racing. I've been pretty stressed, my body is completely out of whack and i thought i was going to lose it. Then the asthma attack Thursday (completely unexpected, like all great things in our lives) and back at the medical centre tonight to get checked out. I'm looking forward to a better week next week but I don't think ill be seeing much of the predicament. I want to get away, it's time for a holiday but sadly, so much for diving in Cairns. *sad face*
Nonsensical
Breathlessness isn't a warning, but a mere beacon of hope.
My Anxiety, Over thinking and Paranoia contributes to The whirlwind in my head. It's in motion and constantly spinning.
How did we end up in this place? I strummed a myriad of chords on my classical guitar, I remembered how it felt. A self expression, unity and community. Why do we stop what we love? Accept the things we cannot change - If only i could bend the time/space continuum. Okay, everyone deserves to be a hero, live the life you want to and do what you love. Why do u stop? Why did I stop?
Patience is a virtue but the waiting part is difficult. I'm trying to make sense of my nonsensical thoughts and not read into everything, however the more I try to forget, the list becomes endless. A nonsensical blog, but there's a certain feeling behind it all. Talk to me.
My Anxiety, Over thinking and Paranoia contributes to The whirlwind in my head. It's in motion and constantly spinning.
How did we end up in this place? I strummed a myriad of chords on my classical guitar, I remembered how it felt. A self expression, unity and community. Why do we stop what we love? Accept the things we cannot change - If only i could bend the time/space continuum. Okay, everyone deserves to be a hero, live the life you want to and do what you love. Why do u stop? Why did I stop?
Patience is a virtue but the waiting part is difficult. I'm trying to make sense of my nonsensical thoughts and not read into everything, however the more I try to forget, the list becomes endless. A nonsensical blog, but there's a certain feeling behind it all. Talk to me.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
each breath gets deeper
I flew through the door, my legs reflected jelly, camera in one hand but i couldn't speak. My heart thumped through my chest as it heaved up and down as i gasped for air, tears flowing down my cheeks. I shrieked with each fight for a deep breath but i couldn't get one down. I was thirsty, hot, cold and weak. I panicked and threw a towel down collapsing on the floor trying my hardest to calm down and just breathe. I told my colleague i was fine, nevertheless i was far from it. I needed my ventolin and water.
I woke up this morning after yet another night of interrupted sleep. This time it was headaches, nausea and a night of bad dreams with terrible stomach pains, my body was feeling weak. Dizzy, I slipped out of my bed with my heat pack and stumbled to the microwave. Each step i took my chest felt heavy, closed in, i struggled to take a nice, soothing, deep breath - It felt as though my muscles were lacking oxygen. Mum told me i looked pale but i disregarded it, showered, ate breakfast and took Jenna for a stroll. The air felt fine at this time of morning, but the humidity in the air contributed nicely to what happened at work. Why didn't i have my ventolin on the day i most needed it? Asthma attacks are very scary and very real.
The weather was okay today, however i didn't feel right. At the moment i feel weak, both arms are shaky. I struggled driving to work this morning but fought it as much as i could. I went to work, walked to the booth, went to grab a water which took 10mins due to all the 'newbies', came back and i was late to film the program. Well, i wasn't late to film it, i left the booth and the count had already left, so i headed down to the beach and the guests weren't ready yet. As usual, when my life starts to look up something stops me in its tracks. I feel like i'm being tested in so many different situations - I just want to be healthy like i used to be. In before we know it everyone's ready to film the first program for the day and it begins... What happens? My camera fails to work properly. It films for about 15 seconds then all of a sudden flashes 'card door opened' the camera switches off and the programs full steam ahead. Already in the walk in my battery died within 8seconds. Great! (note the sarcasm?) I jumped off the board, tried to radio the booth...no answer. Headed to 'the count' and asked him what i could do, so then he said to head to the booth whilst photos are on and grab the new camera. So i run.
Once i got to the booth and stopped it hit me. I should have stopped when i felt my chest tighten but i didn't want to miss anymore of the program. FB had to grab another camera, asked me if i needed the nurse but i said no, and that i could handle it. That was my first mistake, i really couldn't. I heaved, shrieked, shrilled, cried and gasped for air so much i collapsed to the floor. Since then i rested on our floor of the booth. It stunk, was filthy and i still struggled to breathe. After an hour i guess i did need the nurse. I needed ventolin so shaneo walked with me up there, slowly, eventually we got there. The nurse gave me ventolin straight away and listened to my chest. My right side was clear but my left was wheezing so deeply, i was still pale. She sent me home and asked shaneo to walk me to the car, even offering a wheelchair because of how weak i was. My colour started coming back and i was glad to be breathing. This is what scares me about diving. Perhaps maybe i won't be able to do it??
After hitting the chemist and grabbing more pain killers, ventolin and a gatorade i was straight home, into the shower then curled up onto the couch to rest. Each time i sat up i was dizzy...it was such an awful feeling. At the moment i'm still resting, trying not to walk around i feel like my legs will collapse. Asthma isn't something to mess around with and i haven't felt like this since i was 14 years old dancing my heart out at an eisteddfod, falling off to the side of stage, collapsing because i couldnt breathe. I was alone when it happened, frightened and dazed. I'm looking forward to spag bowl tonight and sleeping so i can feel better tomorrow. When i couldn't breathe all i could think about was seeing the predicament. I knew he would make me feel better but i didn't want to tell him what happened. I want him to have time to his self. You know whats interesting, since seeing him, people who used to sometimes say hello to me, give me the strangest looks. I couldn't care less about them it's just interesting. And i wonder if its due to his previous girlfriend. It makes me feel weird sometimes about who his ex girlfriend is since we used to work together however me and the predicament never used to talk. ever. He's a good guy, i just want him to be happy. After dinner, its time for a long, hot bath with my new lush bath bomb. Thanks gang:)
I woke up this morning after yet another night of interrupted sleep. This time it was headaches, nausea and a night of bad dreams with terrible stomach pains, my body was feeling weak. Dizzy, I slipped out of my bed with my heat pack and stumbled to the microwave. Each step i took my chest felt heavy, closed in, i struggled to take a nice, soothing, deep breath - It felt as though my muscles were lacking oxygen. Mum told me i looked pale but i disregarded it, showered, ate breakfast and took Jenna for a stroll. The air felt fine at this time of morning, but the humidity in the air contributed nicely to what happened at work. Why didn't i have my ventolin on the day i most needed it? Asthma attacks are very scary and very real.
The weather was okay today, however i didn't feel right. At the moment i feel weak, both arms are shaky. I struggled driving to work this morning but fought it as much as i could. I went to work, walked to the booth, went to grab a water which took 10mins due to all the 'newbies', came back and i was late to film the program. Well, i wasn't late to film it, i left the booth and the count had already left, so i headed down to the beach and the guests weren't ready yet. As usual, when my life starts to look up something stops me in its tracks. I feel like i'm being tested in so many different situations - I just want to be healthy like i used to be. In before we know it everyone's ready to film the first program for the day and it begins... What happens? My camera fails to work properly. It films for about 15 seconds then all of a sudden flashes 'card door opened' the camera switches off and the programs full steam ahead. Already in the walk in my battery died within 8seconds. Great! (note the sarcasm?) I jumped off the board, tried to radio the booth...no answer. Headed to 'the count' and asked him what i could do, so then he said to head to the booth whilst photos are on and grab the new camera. So i run.
Once i got to the booth and stopped it hit me. I should have stopped when i felt my chest tighten but i didn't want to miss anymore of the program. FB had to grab another camera, asked me if i needed the nurse but i said no, and that i could handle it. That was my first mistake, i really couldn't. I heaved, shrieked, shrilled, cried and gasped for air so much i collapsed to the floor. Since then i rested on our floor of the booth. It stunk, was filthy and i still struggled to breathe. After an hour i guess i did need the nurse. I needed ventolin so shaneo walked with me up there, slowly, eventually we got there. The nurse gave me ventolin straight away and listened to my chest. My right side was clear but my left was wheezing so deeply, i was still pale. She sent me home and asked shaneo to walk me to the car, even offering a wheelchair because of how weak i was. My colour started coming back and i was glad to be breathing. This is what scares me about diving. Perhaps maybe i won't be able to do it??
After hitting the chemist and grabbing more pain killers, ventolin and a gatorade i was straight home, into the shower then curled up onto the couch to rest. Each time i sat up i was dizzy...it was such an awful feeling. At the moment i'm still resting, trying not to walk around i feel like my legs will collapse. Asthma isn't something to mess around with and i haven't felt like this since i was 14 years old dancing my heart out at an eisteddfod, falling off to the side of stage, collapsing because i couldnt breathe. I was alone when it happened, frightened and dazed. I'm looking forward to spag bowl tonight and sleeping so i can feel better tomorrow. When i couldn't breathe all i could think about was seeing the predicament. I knew he would make me feel better but i didn't want to tell him what happened. I want him to have time to his self. You know whats interesting, since seeing him, people who used to sometimes say hello to me, give me the strangest looks. I couldn't care less about them it's just interesting. And i wonder if its due to his previous girlfriend. It makes me feel weird sometimes about who his ex girlfriend is since we used to work together however me and the predicament never used to talk. ever. He's a good guy, i just want him to be happy. After dinner, its time for a long, hot bath with my new lush bath bomb. Thanks gang:)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A baby Echidna is called a puggle!!
Crikey!!
Did you know that Snakes cannot hear, Echidnas have a tongue 18cms long and no teeth, it's impossible for a crocodile to poke out it's tongue and Cheetahs are one of the coolest animals on earth? Okay, well the Cheetah one is a given, however all creatures (great and small) are amazing and fascinating in their own way. Throughout each individual animals evolutionary endeavors, each have become so well adapted to their environment that their uniqueness stems beyond one animal to the next. From the depths of the ocean to our vast deserts and beyond, animals are built for their environment whether its for agility in speed such as the Cheetah, the streamlining design of dolphins or the protective shield of spikes like those on an Echidnas back, animals are astounding and it was Steve Irwin's mission to educate and most of all save our beautiful wildlife.
Australia Zoo has an amazing volunteer program that gives each 'vollie' hands on experience assisting a zookeeper from different departments in their daily duties. From cleaning and maintenance to food preparation and even goat walking and more, as a volunteer i have been given invaluable insight in to how those zookeepers run their sections on a daily basis. So what were my 5 departments? Kids Zoo, Native Mammals, Reptiles, ELEPHANTS (excuse the capitals but they are my favourite) and Big Cats.
My first day into the program i was excited yet a little apprehensive as to how the staff members would be towards us 'vollies'. I wondered if we were actually any help or a nuisance, but straight away my thoughts were reversed. The zoo wouldn't run as efficiently if it wasn't for the vollies because if departments were short staffed it allowed the team members to focus on their animals and the vollies could maintain the exhibits, clean and prepare food and the list goes on. After our group induction i headed to help out the first crocoseum show. It was simply ushering people to their seats, keeping aisles free and general show duties. Kids Zoo was a great day sweeping and talking to kids about goats, sheep and showing them the zoos 3 week old piglets (sooo cute!) and in the afternoon it was goat and sheep walking. The animals are collared up with a lead each and with 3 sheep i headed straight out to the grazing grass. For two hours the sheep graze on natural grass but i was able to chat to the other zoo keepers so it was a great experience and a great opportunity to talk about the animals.
Day Two saw me with Native Mammals in the grey roo area of the zoo. Now this is what you call poop patrol territory! In 45 mins i managed to fill nearly three quarters of a tuff tub with, you guessed it, dried up kanga poop! Then it was off to raking. The kind of raking where you rake a section, turn your back for 5mins and its back to where you started. Beautiful whether, nice hot day, great exercise and an opportunity to again talk with the keeper (who spent most of his life in construction) watch the male Kangaroo 'court' the younger females and make sure kids don't try and ride him, sweep and rake (you should see my guns), bag roo food, feed some echidnas, cut some branches and scoop more poop. You really don't realise just how amazing and interesting our own native wildlife is until you spend te day with them, and obtain an up, close and personal encounter with them. Before Thursday, my second day at the zoo, i didn't know that a baby Echidna was called a puggle, and that the pressure on a Kangaroos back leg tendons causes the springing action of the legs as they bound through the grass enabling them to move quickly. Or that adults males are called a 'buck' and an adult female is called a 'doe'.
And... that Goliath and Igloo, the two Tortoises at Australia Zoo are Aldabra Tortoises not Galapagos Island Tortoises. So is there anywhere in the zoo that doesn't involve raking? This is a thought that crossed my mind beginning Day Three in Reptiles. This is why i have big guns... Being a zookeeper is great exercise and i sure found this out everyday but i loved every minute of it. Maybe i shouldn't have exercised each night as well as all day raking? hmm. Anyway, Tortoises are pretty unique animals that love nothing more than a relax in their pond (spa bath), some hibiscus (desert) and a long back scratch (back rub). I guess they are kind of like me in a way, i have been told im like a reptile, or sometimes i've referred to myself like a seal - I shut off circulation to my feet and hands (front and rear flippers) to enable blood flow to my vital organs for warmth. After the tortoise talk I was off to help another croc show, then the weather turned. If only i had a wetsuit i thought. I headed to Pony Trails to assist them but due to the rainy weather, kids didn't necessarily want a pony ride in the rain. So off to venomous snakes to clean their windows and check out some of the worlds venomous and deadly snakes up close. Death Adders and Fierce Snakes... fricken cool! This exhibit made me really want my own Woma and Murray Darling pythons already. After admiring the beautiful snakes I went down and cleaned the glass of 'Lily' - she was gorgeous! You know the really long, thick giant snake below the stairs at the Crocoseum, yeah her. She was so intruiging and so beautiful. Due to the weather I was unable to do alot with the reptiles so i did some duties like pool scooping at the freshwater turtle pool, raking (again), clean the fruit room, prepare lizard food then helped out at Kids Zoo sharing the love with the goats and sheep. I think its about time i step it up in the poop patrol business from kanga poo to Elephant poo. Elephants poo about 70kgs a day. Alright, your on!'
Day Four and i'm in my element with the three girls little Bimbo or 'bambi' Siam and Sabu. Here i learnt so much and had a really awesome day. I spoke to one of the leading bird trainers about animal training, learnt about what it means to look after a 4000kg animal, walked with the girls to their appearance in the morning crocoseum show (poop patrol of course) wheelbarrow and giant scooper plus was able to ask lots of questions and have my own private feed. Elephants have always amazed me and along with the turtle, are my favourite animal. With over 100,000 muscles in their trunk alone, their trunks are like their life line and for such a large animal they sure have their way of sneaking up on you. The Elephant crew were great to work alongside - the cheeky nature of the elephants reflected the keepers working with them, (they were just as cheeky) but the main goal was to demonstrate and educate the plight of asian elephants in the wild today, and have fun whilst doing it. I did get sun burnt, I did smell and i just couldn't wait to shower but it was definitely worth it.
Day Five and my last day of my introductory 5 days to the program. One vollie, a tiger exhibit, some big cat keepers, a myriad of leaves and a rake means? more raking! The keepers leave and leave me locked in their exhibit just in case a tiger escaped so i was safe. Raking was a breeze, picked up the piles, pulled some weeds then a keeper came to escort me to the tigers den - AKA their house. Big cats was a really awesome department and after cleaning in the meat room, preparing food, cutting a horses heart for medication, more cleaning, sweeping, mopping and so on, after lunch it was time to set up for the afternoon talk and training demonstration. (How convenient, today's talk was about training the tigers, very relephant!) Mat and i headed down the front to promote tiger conservation in Asia by selling a variety of different things. $5 saves one tiger for one day in the wild. I was fortunate enough to be able to ask a variety of questions all day and received well thought out and helpful answers. So thanks big cat team!
All in all, i had a great 5 days. I missed home and my own bed very much. I missed my friends and family and am grateful to mick and mel for letting me stay in Rochedale. Thursday night i saw the predicament, k-bomb and Shaneo who drove to the hyperdome to see 'the other guys' with me. Great film, great company and an amazing dinner (nothing beats maccas of course). I felt exhausted, rundown and a little confused about what i want to do but now have added a little more fuel to the flame, its just time to ignite.
Did you know that Snakes cannot hear, Echidnas have a tongue 18cms long and no teeth, it's impossible for a crocodile to poke out it's tongue and Cheetahs are one of the coolest animals on earth? Okay, well the Cheetah one is a given, however all creatures (great and small) are amazing and fascinating in their own way. Throughout each individual animals evolutionary endeavors, each have become so well adapted to their environment that their uniqueness stems beyond one animal to the next. From the depths of the ocean to our vast deserts and beyond, animals are built for their environment whether its for agility in speed such as the Cheetah, the streamlining design of dolphins or the protective shield of spikes like those on an Echidnas back, animals are astounding and it was Steve Irwin's mission to educate and most of all save our beautiful wildlife.
Australia Zoo has an amazing volunteer program that gives each 'vollie' hands on experience assisting a zookeeper from different departments in their daily duties. From cleaning and maintenance to food preparation and even goat walking and more, as a volunteer i have been given invaluable insight in to how those zookeepers run their sections on a daily basis. So what were my 5 departments? Kids Zoo, Native Mammals, Reptiles, ELEPHANTS (excuse the capitals but they are my favourite) and Big Cats.
My first day into the program i was excited yet a little apprehensive as to how the staff members would be towards us 'vollies'. I wondered if we were actually any help or a nuisance, but straight away my thoughts were reversed. The zoo wouldn't run as efficiently if it wasn't for the vollies because if departments were short staffed it allowed the team members to focus on their animals and the vollies could maintain the exhibits, clean and prepare food and the list goes on. After our group induction i headed to help out the first crocoseum show. It was simply ushering people to their seats, keeping aisles free and general show duties. Kids Zoo was a great day sweeping and talking to kids about goats, sheep and showing them the zoos 3 week old piglets (sooo cute!) and in the afternoon it was goat and sheep walking. The animals are collared up with a lead each and with 3 sheep i headed straight out to the grazing grass. For two hours the sheep graze on natural grass but i was able to chat to the other zoo keepers so it was a great experience and a great opportunity to talk about the animals.
Day Two saw me with Native Mammals in the grey roo area of the zoo. Now this is what you call poop patrol territory! In 45 mins i managed to fill nearly three quarters of a tuff tub with, you guessed it, dried up kanga poop! Then it was off to raking. The kind of raking where you rake a section, turn your back for 5mins and its back to where you started. Beautiful whether, nice hot day, great exercise and an opportunity to again talk with the keeper (who spent most of his life in construction) watch the male Kangaroo 'court' the younger females and make sure kids don't try and ride him, sweep and rake (you should see my guns), bag roo food, feed some echidnas, cut some branches and scoop more poop. You really don't realise just how amazing and interesting our own native wildlife is until you spend te day with them, and obtain an up, close and personal encounter with them. Before Thursday, my second day at the zoo, i didn't know that a baby Echidna was called a puggle, and that the pressure on a Kangaroos back leg tendons causes the springing action of the legs as they bound through the grass enabling them to move quickly. Or that adults males are called a 'buck' and an adult female is called a 'doe'.
And... that Goliath and Igloo, the two Tortoises at Australia Zoo are Aldabra Tortoises not Galapagos Island Tortoises. So is there anywhere in the zoo that doesn't involve raking? This is a thought that crossed my mind beginning Day Three in Reptiles. This is why i have big guns... Being a zookeeper is great exercise and i sure found this out everyday but i loved every minute of it. Maybe i shouldn't have exercised each night as well as all day raking? hmm. Anyway, Tortoises are pretty unique animals that love nothing more than a relax in their pond (spa bath), some hibiscus (desert) and a long back scratch (back rub). I guess they are kind of like me in a way, i have been told im like a reptile, or sometimes i've referred to myself like a seal - I shut off circulation to my feet and hands (front and rear flippers) to enable blood flow to my vital organs for warmth. After the tortoise talk I was off to help another croc show, then the weather turned. If only i had a wetsuit i thought. I headed to Pony Trails to assist them but due to the rainy weather, kids didn't necessarily want a pony ride in the rain. So off to venomous snakes to clean their windows and check out some of the worlds venomous and deadly snakes up close. Death Adders and Fierce Snakes... fricken cool! This exhibit made me really want my own Woma and Murray Darling pythons already. After admiring the beautiful snakes I went down and cleaned the glass of 'Lily' - she was gorgeous! You know the really long, thick giant snake below the stairs at the Crocoseum, yeah her. She was so intruiging and so beautiful. Due to the weather I was unable to do alot with the reptiles so i did some duties like pool scooping at the freshwater turtle pool, raking (again), clean the fruit room, prepare lizard food then helped out at Kids Zoo sharing the love with the goats and sheep. I think its about time i step it up in the poop patrol business from kanga poo to Elephant poo. Elephants poo about 70kgs a day. Alright, your on!'
Day Four and i'm in my element with the three girls little Bimbo or 'bambi' Siam and Sabu. Here i learnt so much and had a really awesome day. I spoke to one of the leading bird trainers about animal training, learnt about what it means to look after a 4000kg animal, walked with the girls to their appearance in the morning crocoseum show (poop patrol of course) wheelbarrow and giant scooper plus was able to ask lots of questions and have my own private feed. Elephants have always amazed me and along with the turtle, are my favourite animal. With over 100,000 muscles in their trunk alone, their trunks are like their life line and for such a large animal they sure have their way of sneaking up on you. The Elephant crew were great to work alongside - the cheeky nature of the elephants reflected the keepers working with them, (they were just as cheeky) but the main goal was to demonstrate and educate the plight of asian elephants in the wild today, and have fun whilst doing it. I did get sun burnt, I did smell and i just couldn't wait to shower but it was definitely worth it.
Day Five and my last day of my introductory 5 days to the program. One vollie, a tiger exhibit, some big cat keepers, a myriad of leaves and a rake means? more raking! The keepers leave and leave me locked in their exhibit just in case a tiger escaped so i was safe. Raking was a breeze, picked up the piles, pulled some weeds then a keeper came to escort me to the tigers den - AKA their house. Big cats was a really awesome department and after cleaning in the meat room, preparing food, cutting a horses heart for medication, more cleaning, sweeping, mopping and so on, after lunch it was time to set up for the afternoon talk and training demonstration. (How convenient, today's talk was about training the tigers, very relephant!) Mat and i headed down the front to promote tiger conservation in Asia by selling a variety of different things. $5 saves one tiger for one day in the wild. I was fortunate enough to be able to ask a variety of questions all day and received well thought out and helpful answers. So thanks big cat team!
All in all, i had a great 5 days. I missed home and my own bed very much. I missed my friends and family and am grateful to mick and mel for letting me stay in Rochedale. Thursday night i saw the predicament, k-bomb and Shaneo who drove to the hyperdome to see 'the other guys' with me. Great film, great company and an amazing dinner (nothing beats maccas of course). I felt exhausted, rundown and a little confused about what i want to do but now have added a little more fuel to the flame, its just time to ignite.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My Search for Stillness
Finding stillness in the midst of the frenetic lives that we often find ourselves living in, may seem like an insurmountable challenge. Our day to day work commitments, our family and hobbies for example are fuelled by that little thing known as time. The clock ticks by the second and minute by minute creeps up on us. The more we look at our watches, the more stressed we get. Most of us have experienced times when we’ve become one with what we are doing, when time has stood still and we truly danced with life. This is what i was in search of.
Being 21 is truly an interesting time in my life. Since January, i’ve been searching for that moment where i can denote solitude bliss in whatever it is i’m doing. On a daily basis i research articles on how to be happy, budgeting, learning to cope with depression and financial stress, what anxiety means, ways to being healthy and so on. Its taken a long time to realise it but nevertheless, the underlying message: everything takes time, so go with the flow and don’t rush. The sun shines through eventually on a rainy, cloudy day and that’s what the message is.
There are numerous amounts of articles out there to help us slow down our busy lives and denote a calm approach. Suggestions of exercise, planning and positivity through self affirmations are all examples in the search for stillness. But whats the first step? Being happy with who you are. Its important to understand that feeling sad, alone, helpless, depressed and confused are feelings detrimental to our general well-being and to our overall happiness. The bad feelings we encounter may occur on a daily basis, or continue for a few months at a time and as bad as they may feel, these feelings demonstrate how great happiness is and feeling ‘good.’ It might take a while, but we get there in the end through a little bit of help.
As human beings, we are our own worst enemy and we should “strive to be a first rate version of ourselves not a second rate version of someone else” - Judy Garland. Although its great to have a hero and uphold someone else’s ideals, morals and values, its important to understand and shape our own.
At times, we feel trapped due to society’s view on how we should lead our lives. There are stand alone morals and values up held by those who believe in them, and then there’s those that not everyone agrees with. Philosophy “love of wisdom” is an interesting subject that comes to mind here. It is “the study of general and fundamental problems concerning matters such as existence, knowledge, values, reason, mind, and language,” and generally consists of a systematic approach relying on rational argument. I read philosophy because it demonstrates a link between what human beings thought from ancient history and what they think now. At times, the same opinions apply and are altered only slightly due to our modern eras idealism.
Discovering our passions and what we love to do most is important in the search for stillness, and in our first steps to happiness. Last week, i was fortunate enough to volunteer at Australia zoo as an assistant to the keepers in 5 different departments. I was surrounded by passionate people full of excitement and enthusiasm for the animals they were caring for. From scrubbing, weeding and raking of the grounds to food preparation, to exhibit design and enrichment, this gave me a buzz. Passionate as i am for turtles and elephants alone, volunteering gave me an invaluable insight into what id like to achieve in the future.
The past few months i’ve been racking my brain and trying to wrap my head around everything i want to do and schedule it so i can do everything. What i’ve realised? Take each day as it comes, and fill the day with small goals that eventually lead to bigger goals. My search for stillness is ongoing but i feel happy and alive around animals and learning about these amazing creatures that inhabit our world. The next step? Continue to build my knowledge database, face my fears and always be honest.
Being 21 is truly an interesting time in my life. Since January, i’ve been searching for that moment where i can denote solitude bliss in whatever it is i’m doing. On a daily basis i research articles on how to be happy, budgeting, learning to cope with depression and financial stress, what anxiety means, ways to being healthy and so on. Its taken a long time to realise it but nevertheless, the underlying message: everything takes time, so go with the flow and don’t rush. The sun shines through eventually on a rainy, cloudy day and that’s what the message is.
There are numerous amounts of articles out there to help us slow down our busy lives and denote a calm approach. Suggestions of exercise, planning and positivity through self affirmations are all examples in the search for stillness. But whats the first step? Being happy with who you are. Its important to understand that feeling sad, alone, helpless, depressed and confused are feelings detrimental to our general well-being and to our overall happiness. The bad feelings we encounter may occur on a daily basis, or continue for a few months at a time and as bad as they may feel, these feelings demonstrate how great happiness is and feeling ‘good.’ It might take a while, but we get there in the end through a little bit of help.
As human beings, we are our own worst enemy and we should “strive to be a first rate version of ourselves not a second rate version of someone else” - Judy Garland. Although its great to have a hero and uphold someone else’s ideals, morals and values, its important to understand and shape our own.
At times, we feel trapped due to society’s view on how we should lead our lives. There are stand alone morals and values up held by those who believe in them, and then there’s those that not everyone agrees with. Philosophy “love of wisdom” is an interesting subject that comes to mind here. It is “the study of general and fundamental problems concerning matters such as existence, knowledge, values, reason, mind, and language,” and generally consists of a systematic approach relying on rational argument. I read philosophy because it demonstrates a link between what human beings thought from ancient history and what they think now. At times, the same opinions apply and are altered only slightly due to our modern eras idealism.
Discovering our passions and what we love to do most is important in the search for stillness, and in our first steps to happiness. Last week, i was fortunate enough to volunteer at Australia zoo as an assistant to the keepers in 5 different departments. I was surrounded by passionate people full of excitement and enthusiasm for the animals they were caring for. From scrubbing, weeding and raking of the grounds to food preparation, to exhibit design and enrichment, this gave me a buzz. Passionate as i am for turtles and elephants alone, volunteering gave me an invaluable insight into what id like to achieve in the future.
The past few months i’ve been racking my brain and trying to wrap my head around everything i want to do and schedule it so i can do everything. What i’ve realised? Take each day as it comes, and fill the day with small goals that eventually lead to bigger goals. My search for stillness is ongoing but i feel happy and alive around animals and learning about these amazing creatures that inhabit our world. The next step? Continue to build my knowledge database, face my fears and always be honest.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Spring is in the Air
Looks like a pleasant Friday nights evening relaxing, watching tv and resting for a big night tomorrow for the predicaments birthday. I should be dancing in Broadbeach styling it up with modern jive but after work i hit the pavement for 50mins with Jenna, my 2year old spoodle (unintentionally) then came home and did strength training for 40mins. Boy was i exhausted! After a long hot shower, i step out smelling like coconut and seething because i left my coconut oil at a friends place. DAMMIT!! I switched off my iphone just as U2's 'City of blinding lights' song came home (by the way, AMAZING) and sat down to watch the end of Neighbours (no its not sad at all - Benno loves Home and Away... okay it's sad..) with a bowl of veggies and bolognese. Scrumptious. To top it off, a scoop of Boysenberry Patch from Baskin and Robbins and of course i shouted my brothers to it aswell... hmm you know, i had a pretty good day today! Beautiful weather, a little hot even at times, and a good laugh all day. Animals are definitely cute. Instead of porpoising around the pool one of the younger Australian Sea Lions was practically belly flopping, pretty funny to see. The seal is very enthusiastic when it comes to training and puts in 120%. Very cute! Saw some old friends and caught up with their recent adventures, plans for the future etc. PS: to one of the most gorgeous ladies at work, I'm so excited your having a baby girl!! You look beautiful:)
I'm feeling really happy lately and i know its because instead of feeling exhausted and fatigued i have energy. Ive been eating properly, taking my appropriate vitamins and making sure i have the most important meal of the day - breakfast. I'm saving and only buying the things i need for everyday living and counting down the days till i start my volunteering at Australia Zoo. Fingers crossed Elephants (Bimbo, Siam and Sabu) and fingers crossed i can start Resort Tours again soon. I'm seriously kicking myself at the moment for not applying for the marine mammal trainer position and i definitely won't make that mistake twice... The health and well being of animals is very important to me, and looking after my turtles, my cats and Jenna, and learning all i have about the marine life seaworld has to offer makes me thirsty for more. These creatures are amazing - from the little bi-colour chromis fish to our Dusky Whalers, our Australian Sea Lions, the dolphins and of course our Polar Bears. Each animal is so unique in its own way and they are well-adapted for their environment. Each day i learn something new and it's what keeps me going. Sure, work has its ups and downs but nothing is smooth sailing and i guess, that's what keeps it interesting. Sometimes you get along with people and sometimes you don't. We all work together but should treat each other like friends.
On that note, i'm getting my open water dive licence (especially needed for Cairns in January) and looking into a morning swimming session twice a week to gain my strength back - since the weather is heating up. I'm also looking at getting my boat licence so i can drive a boat and trying to volunteer. I'm feeling good about the next few months and looking forward to what next year has to bring. Bring on 2011... its going to be a BIG year full of fun, excitement and adventures!! YEW!
I'm feeling really happy lately and i know its because instead of feeling exhausted and fatigued i have energy. Ive been eating properly, taking my appropriate vitamins and making sure i have the most important meal of the day - breakfast. I'm saving and only buying the things i need for everyday living and counting down the days till i start my volunteering at Australia Zoo. Fingers crossed Elephants (Bimbo, Siam and Sabu) and fingers crossed i can start Resort Tours again soon. I'm seriously kicking myself at the moment for not applying for the marine mammal trainer position and i definitely won't make that mistake twice... The health and well being of animals is very important to me, and looking after my turtles, my cats and Jenna, and learning all i have about the marine life seaworld has to offer makes me thirsty for more. These creatures are amazing - from the little bi-colour chromis fish to our Dusky Whalers, our Australian Sea Lions, the dolphins and of course our Polar Bears. Each animal is so unique in its own way and they are well-adapted for their environment. Each day i learn something new and it's what keeps me going. Sure, work has its ups and downs but nothing is smooth sailing and i guess, that's what keeps it interesting. Sometimes you get along with people and sometimes you don't. We all work together but should treat each other like friends.
On that note, i'm getting my open water dive licence (especially needed for Cairns in January) and looking into a morning swimming session twice a week to gain my strength back - since the weather is heating up. I'm also looking at getting my boat licence so i can drive a boat and trying to volunteer. I'm feeling good about the next few months and looking forward to what next year has to bring. Bring on 2011... its going to be a BIG year full of fun, excitement and adventures!! YEW!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
NaKeD
To save yourself from falling, a guardian grabs in plea,
A sudden death match, the ring is open, i’m ripped unto my knees.
My nakedness is enveloped by weathered skin: one inch thick,
the cold snapped quickly around my iris, pathetic it must seem.
Held idle, yet surrounded by an army of myself,
I ostracised my soul and held captive my voice.
my thoughts are fading fast into a shattered frame of hope,
red footprints stain the sand the blood crawls i cannot cope.
The rope is flimsy but denotes a blurry array of colours
strung around my neck, the circle of life, my faith,
a shower of shattered mirror pieces falls around my body,
i’m frozen, it cuts my skin... tears fall down my cheeks.
I cannot explain the feeling of paranoia i feel,
through the glass its winter, but im naked, trapped by lock and key
dreams are my escape into a distant realm of fun,
imprisoned by my reality, can this web be un-spun?
The black man calls for me down a hallway unknown,
He asks for his forgiveness and begs for my return,
I do not trust this place that he has brought unto me
a cloud of smoke envelopes me, the fear sets in, can it be?
A figment of my imagination, a lost soul, perhaps a ghost
asking for my help, are they afraid also?
Trapped together in this world of unjust, hate and silence
each tick of the clock clicks by im searching for an escape.
my clothes are lost into the dark, depths of the floor beneath me
the hardened surface scratched by fingernails, those before me
maybe if i just stop, relax and find my happy place
everything will fall and reveal an empty space.
A sudden death match, the ring is open, i’m ripped unto my knees.
My nakedness is enveloped by weathered skin: one inch thick,
the cold snapped quickly around my iris, pathetic it must seem.
Held idle, yet surrounded by an army of myself,
I ostracised my soul and held captive my voice.
my thoughts are fading fast into a shattered frame of hope,
red footprints stain the sand the blood crawls i cannot cope.
The rope is flimsy but denotes a blurry array of colours
strung around my neck, the circle of life, my faith,
a shower of shattered mirror pieces falls around my body,
i’m frozen, it cuts my skin... tears fall down my cheeks.
I cannot explain the feeling of paranoia i feel,
through the glass its winter, but im naked, trapped by lock and key
dreams are my escape into a distant realm of fun,
imprisoned by my reality, can this web be un-spun?
The black man calls for me down a hallway unknown,
He asks for his forgiveness and begs for my return,
I do not trust this place that he has brought unto me
a cloud of smoke envelopes me, the fear sets in, can it be?
A figment of my imagination, a lost soul, perhaps a ghost
asking for my help, are they afraid also?
Trapped together in this world of unjust, hate and silence
each tick of the clock clicks by im searching for an escape.
my clothes are lost into the dark, depths of the floor beneath me
the hardened surface scratched by fingernails, those before me
maybe if i just stop, relax and find my happy place
everything will fall and reveal an empty space.
The Re-flect
Okay, so its not as exciting as Duran Durans 'The Reflex' but songs such as these are in my head lately and i can't get enough of them. At least once a day i'm playing Mondo Rock's 'Come Said the Boy', sad, i know yet isn't it wonderful when songs remind you of happy times in your lives? Ive been busy lately reminiscing and enjoying each day as it comes and thought id give my blog a rest. Today is the first day of Spring, its the predicaments birthday so we are heading out to dinner tonight, my volunteering begins next wednesday and its christmas day in 4 months. Where has the year gone? Ive spent the last week with sore muscles, sugar cravings and planning what i hope the next 4 months to be. Yoga is going great and my hip feels good at the moment and i'm looking forward to dancing this friday night in Broady. Our burmese cat milo is crying out, i'm typing this in the study and i hear a cry of meooooow!! He thought he was left alone in the house. Silly milo... oh there he goes again. This time its a chorus of meows. I think he just wants a drink from the tap... instead of his bowl. (princess)
Its been interesting at work and i haven't felt the most comfortable. With everything that's gone on i'm finding it difficult to be in the booth with everyone. I ask a question and i get a mumble as an answer. The booth used to be a fun, relaxed place *at times* i might add, yet now i don't feel comfortable and its an awful feeling. I'm trying to take each day as it comes, make the appropriate phone calls, exercise, eat well and such but sometimes all i'm eating at lunch is a can of mother and a packet of dorritos. Food from the canteen rarely and subway doesn't feel the same. Things will get better over time but for now, i've got to sit in the swell.
I spoke to Harley last night about his knee operation and it was nice to talk about things and have him open up more than usual. Communication is so important in relationships whether its with your family, friends or your partner. I was always honest with him about my feelings but he was a closed book - you could never get past the first chapter and now i see and understand so much more. MEOOWW! Another chorus of cries... i think he is actually missing my brother. Milo and him spend the day together but he is out at the moment. I miss the old times with my best friend. Ice cream, soccer, me falling asleep on the phone because he is talking about Formula 1... laughing and having fun together. I know that we won't ever be as close as we were, and i thank him for all the times he has been there for me. Right now, its a time for change. We are at completely different stages in our lives. I just want him to know i think about him and want him to be happy. I want Harley to be happy too.. and i want him to not be afraid. Its okay to be a little reserved and cautious when discovering a new person, however if you hesitate to long just like a new born butterfly, it will fly away.
Butterflies are beautiful little creatures that show us to grasp things as they come, don't hold back. I saw three butterflies yesterday and their grace as they fluttered through the air made me happy. So what 5 things make me happy? My Family, My Friends, Sunflowers, Elephants (animals) and warm Cuddles. I was at the predicaments on monday night and it was so good to be in his arms. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Sure i've had crushes and thought people were cute, but this is different. Ive said it before, its unexpected, spontaneous and its just like one of my friends has always said "your either in or your out, and no one cautiously steps into things, they fall.." and i've fallen for the predicament. He says things that make my heart skip a beat. It races with excitement before i kiss him, and looking into his eyes makes me weak at the knees. This is what its all about. I'm really happy and its great to be me again bar the stuff i feel at work. He likes me for me. The ins and the outs, the good, the bad, the anxious... he likes me. I think that's pretty special.
You know, above my laptop in the study is a purple cork board with photos of everything i love on there including my 7 year old cousins drawings. In 2008 at uni i made a turtle documentary and without fail she wants to watch it all the time, so today i'm posting it to her with a card in the mail. I miss my cousin so much, and would love a sunday off every now and then because that's the only day i can spend the day with her. I don't know when ill get a rostered sunday off, probably never... but i miss her so, so much. In my 21st birthday card, she spelt my name with a backward J so it looks like Todie.. haha so adorable. I used to do exactly the same. She makes me happy and puts a smile on my face everytime. Family is so important to me and i cant wait to have children of my own. Born with innocence, kids are brave and courageous, frightened, concerned, empathetic, sympathetic, loving and so on. I can't wait to have a child and give them everything that i've been given in my life. Love, nurturing, support and care. Now that is special. I know this probabaly isn't the most interesting blog, but to be honest, this is whats on my mind. My family and friends and my cousin. She is a blessing and i hope to one day have that same blessing.
Its been interesting at work and i haven't felt the most comfortable. With everything that's gone on i'm finding it difficult to be in the booth with everyone. I ask a question and i get a mumble as an answer. The booth used to be a fun, relaxed place *at times* i might add, yet now i don't feel comfortable and its an awful feeling. I'm trying to take each day as it comes, make the appropriate phone calls, exercise, eat well and such but sometimes all i'm eating at lunch is a can of mother and a packet of dorritos. Food from the canteen rarely and subway doesn't feel the same. Things will get better over time but for now, i've got to sit in the swell.
I spoke to Harley last night about his knee operation and it was nice to talk about things and have him open up more than usual. Communication is so important in relationships whether its with your family, friends or your partner. I was always honest with him about my feelings but he was a closed book - you could never get past the first chapter and now i see and understand so much more. MEOOWW! Another chorus of cries... i think he is actually missing my brother. Milo and him spend the day together but he is out at the moment. I miss the old times with my best friend. Ice cream, soccer, me falling asleep on the phone because he is talking about Formula 1... laughing and having fun together. I know that we won't ever be as close as we were, and i thank him for all the times he has been there for me. Right now, its a time for change. We are at completely different stages in our lives. I just want him to know i think about him and want him to be happy. I want Harley to be happy too.. and i want him to not be afraid. Its okay to be a little reserved and cautious when discovering a new person, however if you hesitate to long just like a new born butterfly, it will fly away.
Butterflies are beautiful little creatures that show us to grasp things as they come, don't hold back. I saw three butterflies yesterday and their grace as they fluttered through the air made me happy. So what 5 things make me happy? My Family, My Friends, Sunflowers, Elephants (animals) and warm Cuddles. I was at the predicaments on monday night and it was so good to be in his arms. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Sure i've had crushes and thought people were cute, but this is different. Ive said it before, its unexpected, spontaneous and its just like one of my friends has always said "your either in or your out, and no one cautiously steps into things, they fall.." and i've fallen for the predicament. He says things that make my heart skip a beat. It races with excitement before i kiss him, and looking into his eyes makes me weak at the knees. This is what its all about. I'm really happy and its great to be me again bar the stuff i feel at work. He likes me for me. The ins and the outs, the good, the bad, the anxious... he likes me. I think that's pretty special.
You know, above my laptop in the study is a purple cork board with photos of everything i love on there including my 7 year old cousins drawings. In 2008 at uni i made a turtle documentary and without fail she wants to watch it all the time, so today i'm posting it to her with a card in the mail. I miss my cousin so much, and would love a sunday off every now and then because that's the only day i can spend the day with her. I don't know when ill get a rostered sunday off, probably never... but i miss her so, so much. In my 21st birthday card, she spelt my name with a backward J so it looks like Todie.. haha so adorable. I used to do exactly the same. She makes me happy and puts a smile on my face everytime. Family is so important to me and i cant wait to have children of my own. Born with innocence, kids are brave and courageous, frightened, concerned, empathetic, sympathetic, loving and so on. I can't wait to have a child and give them everything that i've been given in my life. Love, nurturing, support and care. Now that is special. I know this probabaly isn't the most interesting blog, but to be honest, this is whats on my mind. My family and friends and my cousin. She is a blessing and i hope to one day have that same blessing.
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