Bruises slowly fading

I find myself sitting alone on the verandah out in the crisp air with only the moonlight, to help brighten up this night. I don’t know what to believe anymore; except for that I know what I am doing is right. I find myself in a deep, dark place contemplating as my fingers hover above the keyboard keys, each shake tingling my hands as if controlled by a master musician, a puppeteer on string, crafting this clever plan, misguiding me and allowing me to fall deeper in this hole. If only I had no emotion. Give me a blank slate and spare me from your pretentious tidings. Show me what I mean to you and be the person I know you can be because I’ve seen it. I’m tired of silly games; late night text messaging and facebook poke after facebook poke. I was here and am here but for what? You know, I ask myself this question each evening before I close my eyes to sleep. How frustrating it is, when all you want to do is hear from the one person who knows they will make you smile if they text and say ‘I care’, yet you never get the memo. You always seem to hear from everyone else, or past interests/flings, ex partners, old friends and never the person you’d most like to hear from. If only they knew the power one simple message could do. I’m glad I’m not at home although I am missing my mum and my beautiful dog, oh and of course not to forget a few of my best girl friends. There’s been many a struggles I’ve endured and through thick and thin they’ve shown me the respect and decency, offered their honest opinion (whether I like it or not) and been there with open arms for comfort. I’m a big girl and I can handle it when I make the wrong choices and steer down the wrong path.  Right now, I wish I could turn off my emotions and turn off my mind. Im not in my own bed and my own space but im in another city with the same old tired and weary face. I feel like I’ve wasted my time in supporting a friend I really care about. Why do I care so much when I’m not offered any kind of support myself, or even a phone call or text message yet I hear how they’re doing from somebody else. Quite frankly, I’d rather have not known.

Shrug it off cos’ shit aint worth it. I need to sleep. These late nights are doing my head in. The headaches are continuing and the bruises slowly fading. 

Sing for a Moment

“…and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart, I carry your heart, (I carry it in my heart).” E.E. Cummings.

Of the many different quotes you find on websites about life, love, relationships, emotions, integrity, feelings and the list goes on, this one has stuck with me since I was 15 years old. Edward Estlin Cummings was a writer, a poet, and an artist. He wrote a poem titled “I carry your heart” and ever since I read it, the words have struck an endless chord not only in my heart but my mind about my family and friends and the people or animal that have meant something to me in my life. It reminds me to be thankful and grateful for the people you have in your life, and the animals you have the opportunity to love and care for, the people and animals that light up every second of the day as the thought of them sweeps through your mind.

I’ve been spending quite a lot of time alone lately and with two of my beautiful girlfriends. It’s so hard sometimes in the busyness of life to get a spare moment to yourself or with your friends to truly relax and unwind, and since I won’t be here for a while I need to see them. Right now I feel I’m on a journey to finding more about what I truly love and myself. Life has been love and loss yet an enlightening journey nonetheless and since it’s August already of 2012 I’m being selfish and doing more for me. When you have one shot and one opportunity you need to capture it, and not let it slip away. I’m trying my best with whatever comes my way, meeting new people, working on my book (now that’s always fun) and being less cautious and losing myself. There are always going to be good and bad days, that’s just how it goes so I’m trying to just go with it and not worry so much about things I cannot change or do anything about. I can be reckless at times, (I’m getting better as everything settles down) yet I figure no one really actually gives a shit about what you do, where you come from and who you’re going to be – I mean success is the only option but to me there are different kinds of success, and everyone’s own interpretation of what it means to be successful is different. Although things aren’t the greatest, I’m not always content with what I’m doing and I flip out and get anxious and have a panic attack in the middle of the shopping centre, I am pretty happy with how my life is going but I feel something is missing. Not to worry though, it is a journey and the next few weeks it will be nice to just be somewhere different and do some different things a little out of the ordinary with new people. Strangers are just friends waiting to happen, and ps: $10 cocktails im in love and pretending I’m a pilot in a big jet plane, well that’s a given, I love flying if only I could be in the aviation industry.

Until the stars fall…

I told you I had to let go and when you have time to yourself its always a time to reflect and give yourself some clarity in your thoughts and regroup. Sometimes I just want to hold you, it’s been well over a year but I still feel the same and I know time will heal the scars left from you. Forward is the only direction from here yet it feels like I’m sitting on a train seat going backward as the train moves forward but everything rushes past you. There is no ordinary world, for the world was built to develop character. My imagination, oh what mysteries will you conjure, what stories will you tell? Shed light upon this darkened night and release me oh please tell me of the beauty for I see a better face, show me how to dream and discover my magical place..

JP XX

Early morning wonders

When you are feeling down, do not sit there and swallow yourself up in your own pity and cry a pity party inviting all but one - you. Don't compare yourself to other people because you're creating you're skewed perceptions and assumptions about a reality you know nothing of, but merely fantasised about in your own head. Welcome, to an early tuesday morning rant. 

It's not like you ever imagine your life to be bad and strive for the worst case scenario, sometimes it just happens. On the flip side, it's not like you imagine everything will fall into place and you don't have a worry in the world.  I guess this whole 'living each day as it comes' thing really does you wonders. You never know what a new day will bring, the people you'll meet and what you will get up to. I had a quiet day trying to figure out what on earth i'm going to do with the painting i stuffed up... oh creative mind i need you! Please don't fail me now. Nevertheless, i did some location scouting for my photo shoot next week, researched into my tattoo design ideas, worked on a puzzle, had a luscious roast lamb and veggies for dinner my brother cooked, saw a friend and had a laugh watching family guy and yet again received more inspiration for my novel. Everywhere i go and in everything i do lately these ideas rapidly race through my mind and i quickly grab out my phone, take a snapshot of where i am, jot down some notes in my memo folder or put pen to paper in an exercise book i carry around. Sometimes ideas come from a simple image of something, a car, or the way a person smells and what they say, or even a certain colour. Red is the inspiration for today. I love the feeling of having ideas and being creative again and not feeling pressured to create something on a deadline, like with university projects and assignments, they were always by the deadline where as with my novel its self paced and all my own. I wrote some scenes last night till early hours of the morning, i could have almost watched the sun rise, but tonight i'll have to get some zzz's eventually. They say beauty is only skin deep and ugly goes clean to the bone, and dam right you don't want to be on the end of a woman who hasn't had enough sleep. (Sorry mum). I don't mean to be a moody bitch it just spills out of me and unfortunately my family seem to be the ones at the end of it since i live with them. I blame my hormones, there a little all over the place but im learning to work with them and take it in my stride. 

I just noticed this peculiar feeling. A few butterflies fluttering around in my tummy, but very happy ones. I'm feeling so relaxed and at ease that i finally feel myself moving forward. Last night as i wrote down scenes for the book there were a few feelings of doubt and uncertainty, apprehension and naivety of regretful feelings (if that makes sense, it is quite early in the morning) that i brought to the surface. I had a few tears in my eyes writing a certain scene that struck a chord deep in my hearts wounds. I figured though, i have a story to tell and share with the world and this is the way i'd like to do it. Sure, i have my paintings, my poetry and prose and filmmaking capabilities yet this just feels right. Finding the right way to express your emotions and your story can also be a process. There are many different ways we can express our uniqueness and individuality - who we are as human beings and i believe writing is for me. I want to write out of my hurt and how to make this hurt okay, because i know i'm not the only person who has ever felt this way. For my novel: the truth about what happened between Alex and Taylor. How much it hurt her not to tell him the truth and how each day passes by and she wonders what could have been and what his reaction would  have been. The biggest and hardest decision, she grew up instantly. The thoughts that ran through her mind ticked over like a time bomb. Her chest sunk in, she fell to her knees onto the cold, hard floor and balled her eyes out, tears streamed down the sides of her cheeks, worry filled her heart and a sickness enveloped her stomach and created a gaping hole. She didn’t know what to feel except that it wasn’t how she wanted it or imagined it to be. Writing is one of those things where the experiences that have happened to you create a grounding of where to start. Write what you know, they say. It's not as easy as it seems. I always think you know about the difference between men and women. Women talk about their emotions and go through the motions of dealing through things with their words. They focus on it, how it made them feel, why this and that happened and so on and then put it into their emotional vault and seal it away never to resurface again, or at least if it does, it simply becomes a memory but the agony and hurt felt at the time doesn't rekindle. Men deal with their emotions differently. Our emotional state often dictates how we behave. Men and women may handle emotions in quite different ways. From what i gather from experiences, men sort of hide their emotions and withdraw because they feel the need to be self-reliant of their family and their loved ones. No wonder men are from mars and women are from venus, because we really are different creatures and handle things in our own unique ways. Neither is better nor worse. Having to bring old memories to the surface for the books sake and for different characters, its kind of interesting to note how i've dealt with those past experiences and if i truly have moved on or not. Even though emotions such as anger and fear aren't as readily accepted in society, it is perfectly normal to feel those things and basically apart of being human. I'm happy that i have experienced a whirlwind of emotions i can delve back into and bring them to light. Nobody's perfect, it's time we be real. 

I have a lot of exciting things to look forward to in the upcoming weeks therefore a positive mindset and my health (that of which i must stay on top of if i want to get anywhere) is a must. I have a few photo shoots, appointments i'm dealing with before summer hits, purchasing a new bike and embarking on a road trip up the north coast to Townsville. Im looking forward to getting the camera out and being in front of it, and behind it once again. Now, i do realise my blogs are a little 'here' and 'there' but amongst writing and developing my book i will aim to focus on my blog a lot more. 

My thought for the week this week leads me to Aristotle and his discussions on Morality and Happiness. 

Like Plato, Aristotle believes that the 'good of the many, outweigh the good of the few.' Amidst living in a completely different society where technology seems to rule the roost i still believe this to be true, however, one must take care of the individual (yourself) and when lots of people take care of themselves, then the good of the many will outweigh the few who don't look after themselves. I like to read philosophy and the view of those before our time, because the thoughts of the great thinkers still hold so much relativity in today's society. Nevertheless, happiness is sometimes but a tear drop away. 

Aristotle believes that living involves activity motivated by desire, and pleasure follows successful activity. Here, here to that! 

until the stars fall... jp x

 

A simple rant

Sometimes even the best laid plans fall apart so i'm taking each day as it comes and enjoying having a break and you know what, every now and then you get lucky and the universe delivers the perfect solution.


For now, this i promise to myself.In the busyness of life i promise to slow down... Live in the moment. Breathe. Kick my heels up. Remember my dreams. Smile. Eat chocolate and let it melt in my mouth slowly. Dance in the moon light and look up to the stars. Love with all of my heart. Be true to myself. Meditate...think only health and happiness. Laugh out loud. Let no one break my spirit.
BELIEVE everything is possible and never, ever give up. ♥♥

Well after a splendid day of drinking champagne and dancing on the table (okay next to the table) i'm sitting here on my bed looking at the paintings on my wall i have recently hung and wondering what's missing. I contemplate for a moment pulling everything down and starting again. Hmm.. no thats not a good idea at all, because although my room doesn't quite have the finished coherence just yet, i like it as it is. It describes my personality and how i'm feeling to a tee right now. Nothing quite like the feeling of an all over the place 'up in the air' type of look where things aren't gelling together. I have a silvery metallic bedspread with a black flower design over it, photographs of sunflowers, dream catchers large and small, a medium sized mirror on my wall with a small bird etching. Theres a banner that dangles lightly from the ceiling with seven pictures of the crescent moon designs falling in sections below it, made in Indonesia. Below the banner i have hung a few of the paintings i've painted recently. To be honest, i have no idea if they are good or not, however, i've received some great compliments so far, i guess i need an expert opinion. I have two vases with flowers in them, teddy bears from the 'me to you' teddy bear collection sitting on my dresser, along with candles, framed photographs and bracelets. A small trinket box with an elephant handcrafted on the top from my best friend from Bali sits next to my Vera Wang Rock Princess perfume, of which i have just added the Calvin Klein Euphoria, Eternity Moments (my three favourites for this month). There is a beautifully handwoven lamp that sits in the corner with a simple banner above it - the definition of wisdom written over it with a purple background. Wisdom: knowledge, intuition and experience combine to guide us in thought and deed. Slowly i've been redecorating my room to make it feel more homely. I bought a black and white shaggy rug to sit on the floor next to my bed, but since it was a cheaper rug i bought from K mart, the dye from the rug seeps through onto the carpet as the damp rises from the surface beneath. Unlucky. I'm going to give the rug away and purchase one with a backing underneath. Anyway, my room  denotes a sense of soul searching. As each day passes i look in the mirror and say to myself 'one day at a time.' I'm expecting nothing and appreciating everything. In terms of what i have in this world, how lucky i am to have grown up and achieved what i have. How lucky and grateful i am to have a family that cares for me how they do, even though we don't always show it, i believe we are always in each others thoughts. I've dealt through my own battles and difficult decisions with their own negative repercussions, ones you just move forward from but never forget. I've made my way through a field of sunflowers, arms open wide looking into the sun with positivity, admiration and dedication to achieve my goals. I've also set myself up for failure and deliberately ruined things on purpose. I've broken a heart or two and had my heart broken, and passed up opportunities to be a better person and let it fly right by me, but all of these things i've done have made me who i am today and i won't sit there and tell someone i don't like myself, and that im not proud of me. There are things i look back on in my life and say to myself 'well, i shouldn't have done that, and who knows what could have happened if this went this way and blah blah blah.' We cannot live our lives in a world of if's, buts and maybes, but we can look back on what we did and how we reacted to those situations we were thrown into and make a conscious decision not to make the same mistake again, walk down a new road, take the next train, slow down, breathe and for gods sake drink some rum and not give a dam. 

I believe that we live in such a fast paced world, its like we don't know how to relax, but if you relax too much, you are lazy and unmotivated, if you work and run yourself ragged you don't take care of yourself enough. We can't win, yet i believe if you are happy to simply sit there and watch the world go by then so what. If you are happy to throw yourself into your work (for i don't know why!). Enjoy it. Life is long if we know how to use it, and instead of one day's, tomorrow's and next year, start today, doing what you want and take control of your own life because at the end of the day no one gives a shit what happens to you, how much money you have, what you are wearing, where you live and how many facebook friends you have. No one cares. And if you want to take photos of yourself and upload them on your instagram or facebook because you kind of like the way you look and think its a nice photo, then go ahead and do it. If i want to wake up tomorrow, go to the gym, walk my dog and get a tattoo i will because it's my life and the people who want to be in your life, will be. This year has shown me the true side to how people act and live. Why we do what we do, for reasons sometimes i still don't understand but its all a learning curve. 

DO NOT chase people, just be you and do your OWN thing. Work hard or don't work at all. The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay. 

I am off to drink some camomile tea, light some candles, and get working on my book. Until the stars fall, sleep tight, and if you're woken through the night it's just an angel passing by...

xx

A little bit of creating

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

Well, in exactly 3 days i will be another year older. 23 and still going strong. Im feeling a sense of fulfilment with who i am as a person, as i understand more about myself. Why i say the things i do and basically do what i do. With regard to certain aspects of my life i sort of find myself turning over a new leaf, in leaps and bounds might i add, and then when it comes to other parts of my life i'm moving in circles - not forward or backward. No matter how hard i try, i seem to be a little stuck, and i find myself wanting to get in contact with someone i've lost along the way. What the hell, its an okay place to be for now and i find that this feeling of wanting to see the person again is another time in my life where i have yet another chance to grow. I feel no matter what happens to us, where we have been or where we end up we always have a chance to grow. I take it many of you will understand, and agree when i say "life is hard, but so very beautiful."


Sadly, my best friend died on Thursday and i feel so hurt and alone at times. When a pet you have grown up with so closely dies and you aren't there to be there for her when the unfortunate happens, you feel horrible. I felt horrible. She was my girl. She knew when i wasn't okay with one simple look towards me and would comfort me whilst i was sad. She knew all of my secrets, and how i truly felt about a lot of people who have walked in and out of my life. She knew change and growth, saw my heartache and felt my love. I wrote on facebook, "i never feared the unexpected until i found myself in this peculiar place." She died and i wasn't there for her and all i have now is the memories. Death is a peculiar thing. When someone close to you dies, you do feel sad. Grief is like the ocean, is bigger and deeper than all of us. I dearly miss my Tango, with all my heart and soul, she was my best friend through and through and now only a tale to be told. E.E. Cummings strikes a chord in my heart: "I carry her heart with me, i carry it in my heart."


                                                               R.I.P. Tango 2/8/2012

I'd like to reach out and speak openly.. and honestly to a person who walked into my life and is no longer.  We don't speak often, yet his name drifts in and out of my mind often. Its like theres never any closure. I don't care how cliche that sounds. Acceptance has been my strength in moving forward from finding love in a hopeless place. In the scheme of life, Bukowski wasn't so far off in his views of reality. His writing was dirty, to the point and without fifty shades of grey. People who defame him and belittle his writing, don't get it. They don't get him. What makes one persons view of the world any more important, or any less important i should say than another? Everyone comes into the world and leaves their own mark whether it be through their art, the business they do, their creativity or writing and not to forget, through music. An instrumental musical piece speaks more to me than a simple quote on a page, but poetry and writing no matter what it is, no ones view of the world is any better than anyone elses. We all have a story to tell. I could tell you the wildest of tales but thats for my novel. They say we should take some secrets to the grave but whats the fun in that? Secrets come out sooner or later. These ones, will hit you like a freight train. A young girl whom finds herself crawling out of a bitter world of pretentious sarcasm. Well, beauty is only skin deep but UGLY goes clean to the bone. Better watch out boys and girls because you are in for a real treat;-) Those who read my story will find it quite humorous, entertaining, shocking and simply killer. Killer heels! 


Since i've been home from Rocky ive been getting into my writing a lot more, trying to be creative painting - thats definitely a learning curve! and focusing on myself. I find i still haven't reached to where i want to be but i don't feel im going backwards. Im drinking camomile and rosehip tea, taking my protein and focusing on eating well, sleeping, and doing my exercise. I cannot believe another year has almost passed by and im still not 100% however, there must be some kind of improvement if im not needed to sleep during the day as much anymore, and weight training at the gym. Minimal weight training mindst you but im lifting weight none the less. 


The more i meet people, i understand why Bukowski liked them, but preferred not to be around them. I've formed some amazing friendships the past few weeks with girls i just want to get to know more and more. I love meeting new people when they are on the same level as you. People that just get it. I've met a few interesting people the past few weeks who have inspired me to be a better person than who i already am. To focus more on what i want and would like to achieve with my life. One bombshell bambina in particular has made me realise it's okay to be me and like the things i do, and has inspired me to be a little more selfish and get out there and do what i want, not wait around for things to happen. SO i am going to focus on my journey to be healthy eating nutritious meals with this little voice in the back of my mind that says "drink a glass of water" everytime i say "im hungry". Thank you miss Rose, i missed our sexie coffee this morning, however, i will be seeing you in the near future. I am also going to put a portfolio together and try out some new things. I will paint, and i will get better.  I'll write, because its what i love to do. I'll stretch, because when im in doubt, yoga makes sense. 


Be a little more selfish, a little more courageous, show a little more determination and things will fall into place. Wisdom is a little bit of knowledge and intuition created through experience, and is always their to guide us, but its okay to need a little help sometimes. Until the stars fall, JP xx