A not so sweet monday

It's becoming more of a challenge to write what i'd like to write in this blog without having to be somewhat closed off, so certain people in my life don't find out the truth. Yet, it then just becomes a rock in a hard place and i might as well stop writing because anything i say  again about true honesty is automatically going to be criticised by another part of my subconscious mind saying "stop it you hypocrit, you can't say that about ... when you won't even ... and ... then tell them ..." and so it begins: another useless exercise in futility about relationships, love, the journey of the self and so on. Nevertheless, my spine quivers as the silence of my dark room sends a ringing down my left ear and the fingertips of both my hands hit the keys uncontrollably like a puppet on a string. And i'm writing again. Perhaps it's that feeling of release. The release of a myriad of emotion splurging out of me like word vomit on a page, not necessarily making sense but each word inching that one bit closer to a sense of peace and security. Nothing stops me, not even when i feel the urge to stop for one moment and yank my hands away from the keyboard and clench both palms into fists and hold them against my temples, as if some almighty super power has forced me to stop and i stare at a blank page, i can't stop. Clearly, I have a lot of pent up frustrations and i know my mind, body and spirit (if they could speak) would agree in unison i might add, that i would indeed benefit from some regular yoga sessions, perhaps some hypnotherapy, and definitely meditation to let my body breathe and a change of scenery.

Over the past four weeks i've had many urges to write and write but couldn't bring myself to opening up my blogger page and letting my mind go, because that happens ^^^ ie., the word vomit thing. It comes out of me 100 miles an hour and i can't digest it all. I guess you don't digest vomit do you? It just makes you hurl and what you really do with it is wash it away. Start 'a fresh' the next day.

Until the stars fall, and until i can put into words what it is i really want to say, i leave you with this unsteady feeling.

I have unconditional love, hope, and faith. JP xx