Living in the NOW!

You make me feel like i'm living a teenage dream, a fairytale of wonders in my own new world order.

It's infectious.

It's ruthless.

It's definitely not a game. 

It has an unknown ending; one we cannot tame.

It's interesting, you know, feeling the way i do about a certain someone who has come into my life gracefully unexpectedly and completely out of nowhere. Has everything in my life changed for the better, or could it be for the worse? 

Tonight I'm exhausted, although i did have a lovely afternoon, i'm sitting here typing away on my laptop, switching between Facebook and this blog, teary eyed, straining to keep my mind actively positive. It was definitely a sunday i wish would happen every sunday, minus the morning work. I have two exams tomorrow, one for the morning, and one for the afternoon. One of my assignments is due by midnight tonight, and it's very unlike me to not have even started it. Wait i wrote my name, student ID and completed the heading, does that count? Does it cross my mind that this lack of motivation is completely unacceptable? Does it bother me? Well yes, but at the moment i just want to pass. Quite frankly a high distinction for the subject means nothing anymore, not like it did in week 1. The subject literally bores the crap out of me and i can't wait for it to be over and done with. Fin. Through high school i thought university was all about 'what you wanted to do' and 'what you wanted to achieve with your life', not being made to do a subject just so the university can pat itself on the back and say 'look what our graduates graduate with: a certain set of skills and outcomes unlike any other university graduate.' Mmm hmm.

I'm back to the drawing board. No savings, my hard earned money, gone. $360 fine for not displaying my p-plates and going 110km's in a 90 zone before the gate way bridge ("is there any reason your speeding?" he said. "No... it's a highway...?" "hm" he snarled.) Lucky for me my man was in the car and i stayed calm, i mean, when do i get pulled over by police? I didn't know what to expect. I felt like a little kid at school who was in trouble for eating in class or something. Now if i didn't sell my soundwave ticket i wouldn't be down $360, i wouldn't have gone on a Brisbane river cruise and gotten sick and i wouldn't have spent quality time with a great person. Okay well the soundwave ticket thing is all well and good in hindsight, but do i regret spending quality time with a person that makes me smile all day? Hell no. 

The last 14 days have opened my eyes to new possibilities, new adventures and new landscapes. A change of scenery is in order, yet it's going to have to be later, rather than sooner (contradictory to the norm). It's like a whole new emotion, tingling, something i haven't felt in a long time. It's not the usual 'he's cute' business that's only natural, it's something more. My motivation has taken on a whole new level. I want to get out and see the world, travel, explore and do what i love. I wish i had more motivation to study for these exams, finish and upload my assignment and get good grades yet it's just not there. Not for this anyway. I've got the motivation to be on Facebook, still, get up off this chair and make vegemite toast, chat to friends, write poetry, hell i've got motivation writing my blog but i look at this uni stuff and go blah, oh how I can't wait till tomorrow afternoon. Done and dusted. That vegemite tasted good. 

So lets be honest, i think just don't fight it, if you don't know what it is, however it's hard to let your mind stop. I don't want to resist the feelings (the feelings you feel, when you want to keep feeling it) but do i let myself fall or continue to hold myself back and just stand at the edge of the plane anticipating the jump? Do i simply fall out the side and let myself go, awaiting the sudden stop where the parachute is released, and i'm not free falling anymore, just cruising and experiencing the cool breeze on my face? Enjoy it for what it is? There's a breaking point, do i set myself up for the fall and reflect on the roller coaster i experience along the way, or end it now? To jump, or not to jump? What would you do? 

Your life is what you wish it to be, if you wish it. So don't sit back and watch things happen, go out and make things happen. I'm doing it and i'm making it happen for myself. Sunscreen stops blype. Wear it. 

JP Xx 

we can tan in the moon light, 

set free across the seas, explore the world around us and use only what we need. 

i love the world around us 

and these feelings we can feel, its an experience, an adventure, one completely unexpected and surreal

Feeling happy? Definitely.

Here we go again with the endless thoughts running through my mind. I sat staring at a blank page reminiscing about my past week and the people i've been so fortunate to meet. I've been listening to the sounds of the good vibrations festival practically all day, thankful that i'm not there. Today it was important to have a day alone. I cleaned at work this morning, went to the gym for an hour, bathed my dog, chilled out in the sun for a bit (vitamin d is always good), cleaned the house, studied, relaxed, slept, studied which brings me to the now. My thoughts begin at 21 blog.

~ the colour begins to shine through the black and white ~

This past week i've lacked motivation for study and revision. I've been a little moody, okay, time to be honest, i've had terrible mood swings so terribly moody. I've just felt exhausted all week, nevertheless, it's been the best week of the year, and considering i'm heading to Currumbin after work tomorrow for the day with some friends, it was time i pulled my finger out and got stuck in. I've accomplished more than i thought i would today and did everything except what mum asked of me to do: pick up Jennas dog poo... oops! Now its dark, i can't see so that will have to wait till tomorrow.

Sunflowers at work made my day a lot brighter simply by looking at them, then a text message at the perfect moment that says 'your gorgeous.' I met someone who with just one look turns my stomach into a mass of butterflies cos everything he does is perfect. He makes me smile, giggle and blush (something i haven't done in a long time) and in his arms it feels so right. I don't know where this new encounter will lead me, but thats the adventure right? Its exciting, daring and definitely encouraging. I ended up with an unexpected valentines day simply by being with him. Nothing beats this feeling that i'm feeling - you know, the one you feel when you want to keep feeling it. Its good to be me and i'm glad things with Harley are definitely finished. I never should have gone back but i'm happy where i am today - with him not in any part of my life.

I know who i am, and who i may be, if i choose, and i choose to do what i love, be spontaneous and enjoy life's intricacies because thats what forms our ultimate identity. Im a leo, so i love to love and that i do with my family and friends. Giving the gift of a smile is something i enjoy doing and i can't see the point in dwelling on things i did or said yesterday, last week or even last year. I had an interesting conversation today about some people from work, that opened up my eyes to a decision i made well over a year ago. Today i realised i did the right thing. Separating my work life from my out-of-work life is the best thing i ever did. Its been a good break only cleaning in the mornings for two weeks and i know when i get back in the water filming the dolphin swims i'll have a fresh, new outlook. I don't miss dvds but i miss seeing the animals. Who doesn't have a smile on their face when they see a dolphin almost everyday?

Next week i have a very fulfilling week ahead with assignments, revision, work, a drive to Brisbane, birthday drinks and Soundwave. I've been pumped about this since the release of the line up and the purchase of my ticket. A few acts i look forward to are Iron Maiden, Sum 41, Slayer, Stone sour, Pennywise, Slash and Less than Jake. Im hitting it with my brother and my brother from another mother so it will be a great day/night. Although i start at 6am the next morning, i think i can handle it! The week after is mid-semester exams so i need some fun and excitement mixed in with my studies. Yoga classes will be my main focus next week - i got my heels down in my downward dog. I've been stretching practically every night aiming to gain my flexibility back to when i was 15. Its been difficult, yet when you see results you feel so much better, and it makes me want to work harder.

Im so anxious about tomorrow, i just want to sleep so its tomorrow already! Remember that feeling?

My Friend

NADINE

She is the sweetest berry,
bright red, as pure as a rose,
a love so kind and innocent,
her heart in which it shows.

She is the most beautiful swan,
dancing across the lake,
her fingertips brushed softly pink,
her heart shall never break.

She is the sunshine on a cloudy day,
as pretty as a bird,
her courage hidden beneath her wings,
her heart as strong, unstirred.

I know she is so precious and kind,
and of the sweetest deed,
her smile lights up the saddest times,
in the life in which i lead.

She is a glorious wonder,
to me, more than words can say,
a friend to me forever there,
in my life forever she will stay.

She is my friend, one of the best,
i will ever know,
for her love for life and heart of gold,
is one of a kind to show.

Raise the curtain, raise your glass,
for Nadine is a most precious being,
i wish for her only happiness and love
and to always follow her dreams.

Love and thoughts xx

In love and honour

What would you do when faced with the grave decision to be reckless, stand in the face of bravery and fight for what you believe in?

What is more beautiful, courage or sacrifice?

In this afternoon I write of my hearts wonders and my minds freedom of speech, for what my mind speaks is no ones hearing. Not unless I let the words spill from fingertips onto this page, or in speech through my tongue. What of love does humanity seek? Where are your deepest darkest secrets held? Locked tightly beneath your breasts, kept sacred within your heart, or treasured within the mind? I question your motives, are they yours or perhaps the push of others. Stripped and bare naked with but a belly ring almost sitting on the stomach as it rises and falls with the breath. Freedom is the key to the happiness of humanity. The smiles of innocent children playing on a field: skipping, dancing and lulling about with one another. Material possessions are worthless for comfort comes not from money but friends, love and companionship.

Give to thyself the freedom and peace of mind to trust your matters of the heart, for the heart is a wondrous organ full of life and energy. Your heart brings each of you through daylight and nightfall of the hours of beginning and end. No body can take it from you. Trust your mind to follow your heart wisely, contently and considerably all can be yours. For when you trust your heart, you trust yourself and honesty prevails.

In love, honour and courage, be who you want to be. xx

- my world -

- my heart - 

Banksy

- the truth -

Banksy

Heroes and Villains

Come on pretty mumma
get up and dance 
the musics loud and pumping
and we need to take a chance!

My mum is the hero of my life, my rock, my ever flowering sunflower; I carry her heart with me, i carry it in my heart. When we believe in ourselves, we have this feeling we can accomplish anything, that's exactly how i feel. They say the world is your oyster, but i hate oysters and they smell. The women in my life mean so much to me, more than any man could right now (beside my father of course) and one beautiful princess in particular has made my life easier.  I haven't seen her for a few weeks now yet we converse often, especially on Facebook and i'm thinking of her always. I want only health and happiness for her. She has one of the kindest hearts and cares so deeply for her friends and i want her to know i love her to pieces. Miss Pinnell <3

The story of Romeo and Juliet is one of romance and sacrifice at best, and i'm eagerly awaiting to see the Queensland National Ballet perform this tale with the girl whose like a sister i never had, miss Juliet. One of the most beautiful dancers i've ever seen and i'm so proud of how far she has come, i almost cried when i saw her dance for the first time in more than a few years. These are a just a few of the heroes in my life who make me realise how important friendships are. Forever cultivate and grow your friendships, for when all else fails in your world, your friends are with you every step of the way, even at the hardest times when all you want to do is shut people out. I raise a glass to you all. The last few weeks have been tough, even though yoga and pilates bring a beacon of hope and happiness to me, its been tough. The support and courage my friends have shown make me feel blessed and like i say to mum when times are tough, 'you should just get a tattoo.'

I cant believe its February 11th already.  No wonder i'm hearing a constant chorus of 'time goes so fast!' I've achieved a lot thus far and can't wait to see what the next few months have to bring. Im poor, i can only afford petrol at the moment, i'm eager to head to brisbane for a day by myself around the art gallery and south bank, i mean who can afford to go shopping these days? You never know, i could meet someone on my travels. It's just that constant attitude, responsibility, constraint and blah blah growing up hoo har that plays in my head, but right now i'm aiming to be the hero in my life. I don't want any villains (negative vibes, bad feelings, people, bullshit and work mess) get in the way of the life i want to lead. Number one priority = me.

In cleaning today the conversation encompassed 'being a good judge of character.' I feel everyone has a good judge of character to some extent, but its my belief it depends on your own upbringing, values, emotional IQ and emotional understanding as to how well you read other people yourself. I test myself on this quite a bit. Usually after i've realised things about certain people and instead of getting myself caught up with it and wishing i knew it earlier, now i just shrug it off and move on. When i learn things about people the bell goes off with a loud 'ding ding ding!' and its either good or bad. At the end of the day, learn from the mistakes, trust your gut instincts and you should go a long way.

If you were in the ring, would you stand there and wait for the other person to make the first swing, or would you trust your gut, move quickly and strike? What would a hero do?

Wed-nes-day update

Is it crazy that i'm really excited i'm having a happy meal for dinner?

Is it weird that i love broccoli?

As i write this, my dog is running around trying to get the bucket off her head, mum just brought me a glass of lemonade, my cats whining at me, i'm chatting on facebook and listening to system of a down.

You know what, who the heck cares. The main thing is, its great being me. Im really happy with the way this year is turning out, minus of course the downsides that have occurred already. There's no point dwelling on the past though so i accept what i cannot change, embrace surprises and go with the flow.

Okay, i know i haven't written here in well over a week but I've been busy leading the highs and lows of a uni student life. The late nights, early mornings, assignments, readings, the endless coffees, studying on my lunch break at work, feeling exhausted, skipping the gym, not eating enough pineapple (i do love pineapple) not getting another tattoo *sigh* and constantly filling up my car with $70 worth of petrol. Oh whoa is me, poor uni student.. i have nothing to complain about, i love it! I'm meeting new people, learning again and as much as i'm trying to save money, i'm managing to still have fun on the side.

So im emotionally stable, physically not what i want to be (as usual) but i think i'm pretty healthy. I have a girl in my life who makes me smile with a simple text message saying that she's thinking of me. She is one of the best people in my life and always makes everything okay. I love her to pieces and i want her to be happy, and do whats right for her. No matter what we always support one another and without her i don't know where i would be today. Love you deeny!

I have such a busy schedule at uni that its great being single, otherwise i would have to worry about someone else, but if someone comes into my life unexpected, ill embrace it and not throw it away, you just never know what paths life leads you down. I've kept work to work and don't share everything with people like i used to. I don't think its worth it. Not many people have real friends where they work so i'm keeping my life a lot more separate this year. Theres a karaoke competition on saturday in Arundel. Im not entering the competition as such but ill sing 'you give love a bad name' by Bon Jovi, hmm i wonder who that reminds me of? I guess some of them want to use you...better luck next time as they say!

Sweet dreams are made of this: love, contentment, happiness, spontaneity, friendships