Sadly, my best friend died on Thursday and i feel so hurt and alone at times. When a pet you have grown up with so closely dies and you aren't there to be there for her when the unfortunate happens, you feel horrible. I felt horrible. She was my girl. She knew when i wasn't okay with one simple look towards me and would comfort me whilst i was sad. She knew all of my secrets, and how i truly felt about a lot of people who have walked in and out of my life. She knew change and growth, saw my heartache and felt my love. I wrote on facebook, "i never feared the unexpected until i found myself in this peculiar place." She died and i wasn't there for her and all i have now is the memories. Death is a peculiar thing. When someone close to you dies, you do feel sad. Grief is like the ocean, is bigger and deeper than all of us. I dearly miss my Tango, with all my heart and soul, she was my best friend through and through and now only a tale to be told. E.E. Cummings strikes a chord in my heart: "I carry her heart with me, i carry it in my heart."
R.I.P. Tango 2/8/2012
I'd like to reach out and speak openly.. and honestly to a person who walked into my life and is no longer. We don't speak often, yet his name drifts in and out of my mind often. Its like theres never any closure. I don't care how cliche that sounds. Acceptance has been my strength in moving forward from finding love in a hopeless place. In the scheme of life, Bukowski wasn't so far off in his views of reality. His writing was dirty, to the point and without fifty shades of grey. People who defame him and belittle his writing, don't get it. They don't get him. What makes one persons view of the world any more important, or any less important i should say than another? Everyone comes into the world and leaves their own mark whether it be through their art, the business they do, their creativity or writing and not to forget, through music. An instrumental musical piece speaks more to me than a simple quote on a page, but poetry and writing no matter what it is, no ones view of the world is any better than anyone elses. We all have a story to tell. I could tell you the wildest of tales but thats for my novel. They say we should take some secrets to the grave but whats the fun in that? Secrets come out sooner or later. These ones, will hit you like a freight train. A young girl whom finds herself crawling out of a bitter world of pretentious sarcasm. Well, beauty is only skin deep but UGLY goes clean to the bone. Better watch out boys and girls because you are in for a real treat;-) Those who read my story will find it quite humorous, entertaining, shocking and simply killer. Killer heels!
Since i've been home from Rocky ive been getting into my writing a lot more, trying to be creative painting - thats definitely a learning curve! and focusing on myself. I find i still haven't reached to where i want to be but i don't feel im going backwards. Im drinking camomile and rosehip tea, taking my protein and focusing on eating well, sleeping, and doing my exercise. I cannot believe another year has almost passed by and im still not 100% however, there must be some kind of improvement if im not needed to sleep during the day as much anymore, and weight training at the gym. Minimal weight training mindst you but im lifting weight none the less.
The more i meet people, i understand why Bukowski liked them, but preferred not to be around them. I've formed some amazing friendships the past few weeks with girls i just want to get to know more and more. I love meeting new people when they are on the same level as you. People that just get it. I've met a few interesting people the past few weeks who have inspired me to be a better person than who i already am. To focus more on what i want and would like to achieve with my life. One bombshell bambina in particular has made me realise it's okay to be me and like the things i do, and has inspired me to be a little more selfish and get out there and do what i want, not wait around for things to happen. SO i am going to focus on my journey to be healthy eating nutritious meals with this little voice in the back of my mind that says "drink a glass of water" everytime i say "im hungry". Thank you miss Rose, i missed our sexie coffee this morning, however, i will be seeing you in the near future. I am also going to put a portfolio together and try out some new things. I will paint, and i will get better. I'll write, because its what i love to do. I'll stretch, because when im in doubt, yoga makes sense.
Be a little more selfish, a little more courageous, show a little more determination and things will fall into place. Wisdom is a little bit of knowledge and intuition created through experience, and is always their to guide us, but its okay to need a little help sometimes. Until the stars fall, JP xx
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