I’ve always wanted to write poems, or articles, a novel or have an online diary - A journal about my life; therefore I created this blog. Although it would seem to me, my life, not very interesting, I’d always hope that some day, someone might want to read it. They would peruse over my many thoughts, convictions and so on, read it, understand it and perhaps even empathise, since they might have been in the same boat as me.
Before I put finger to keyboard or pen to paper, I begin to construct a sentence in my head that involves other people like my family, my partner (if I have one), my friends (or lack of) and anything else random cruising through the endless highway of my thoughts, nevertheless, this entry is about me and how I’m feeling.
Firstly, I’m usually very negative about myself: before I even start or try something, I think ill suck at it. I look at myself in a mirror and in my head I see fat, although thankfully it’s not crazy enough that I would be anorexic. I look at other girls at work, and think to myself how beautiful there bodies are and each day I’m told I’m gorgeous and have a beautiful body and a great ass, I just don’t see it. I’ve been depressed and have a mild case of anxiety. In my last teenage years I moved between high schools and dance schools, my family succumbed to a losing battle with their business due to the uprise of Chinese imports and declared bankruptcy, losing everything. This affected me more than I knew at the time, just like it affected my family around me. I danced a lot then left school for uni onto a career I thought I wanted to do. I was adamant and extremely passionate about filming, being a music video director or a produce and direct documentaries. Little did I know from the pressures of grade 12, I actually needed a break. I wasn’t very well throughout the end of high school, which resulted in low self-esteem, a lower grade than my usual stream of A’s (depending on the subject of course) and I just wasn’t interested in food. It was a 3-point downer - Lack of self-esteem, lack of nutrition, lack of motivation.
One month of schoolwork, and a new year began - 2007 with me starting my first semester, full-time, studying a Bachelor of Film and Television at Bond University. I flew through my first semester enjoying the highs and lows of university life, meeting new people and learning to create great films. After first semester finished, it was downhill from then on in. I fell in love (my first love) but when I found a different job working at SeaWorld, after deferring out of uni from my fourth semester, it broke us apart. I also had an underlying sickness that doctors later revealed was chronic tonsillitis. They also found I was severely low in iron with a strand of glandular fever. No wonder I had little motivation to do anything. I became moody, very sick and exhausted for about a year. Because of this I couldn’t dance like I used to and enjoy being myself and doing all the things I loved. It was awful. Unless you’ve had glandular fever or chronic tonsillitis or something similar like I had, its hard to understand what your body feels like. My muscles would ache more than ever, I couldn’t muster up any energy for physical activity (yes, all shapes and forms), I’d fall asleep at random times and couldn’t control myself to stop it. I became depressed and wouldn’t eat, therefore again months of lacking nutrition. Well over a year and a half later I went in for surgery to have them removed. It took a good 6 months before my body full recovered, then a kidney infection end of 2009 through me off guard. I’ve never gone downhill so fast in my entire life. One minute I felt okay, with a pain in my lower back in which one doctor told me I had a simple ‘muscle spasm’. 24 hours later I was on the floor, with great muscle weakness, I couldn’t get up. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the back. I felt this way after having tonsillitis for a year, and all this happened within 24 hours. A good friend of mine looked after me and helped me through it, and there I lay at midnight finishing the year 2009 in bed, by myself. Happy New Year! Not…Thank fully this New Year was much better, even if I did have a mild anxiety attack and stressed out with the crowd of people, it was fun and I did have a good laugh. Rum makes everything better. I got my New Years kiss a little late…better late than never they say.
And now to last year, an emotional Roller coaster ride filled with tension, drama, rumours, love, relationships, work and so on where my coaster was a little jolty, even after smooth sailing. I got through it though, with the help of some amazing friends. It was a good feeling not to feel as sick as I did the year before, however I did lack energy a lot of the time. I wasn’t consistent with my iron tablets or St. Johns wart though – they may have helped. I had quite a bit of stress to deal with and my anxiety ended up controlling me for a while there. I had awful dreams and couldn’t relax. That’s why this year I’m focussing on exercising regularly, eating a healthy diet, drinking water and sleeping. Sleep is one of the most important 8 hours in a day so use it wisely. I know it’s difficult. At times you just don’t want to sleep because there is too much on your plate, but I’ve realised things get done more efficiently when you’ve let your mind and your brain rest.
I already mentioned about my brother and sister changing my life this year along with the re-commencement of university. Finishing my degree with flying colours is really important to me. I do hope to get back to a few volunteering days at Australia Zoo to. Perhaps in the week break I have between semesters from uni? Sounds like a good plan.
Its amazing how things change your life within a split second, such as meeting my family, losing a once close and good friend, expanding your mind to knowledge, changing relationships even, crashing your car, a bad dream and losing everything you have. No matter what it is, great or small, change is change and sometimes it’s difficult to comprehend. This year has already had its ups and downs, from one extreme to the next and today is no different. Each day comes and goes and you never know what tomorrow will hold, so we accept this that we cannot change.
Two big things happened in my life today. Not only did my day start out not according to plan, don’t worry I ended up fighting through it, and then I lost my once best friend for good. Going in to detail, explaining, trying to understand wont change anything, so I won’t. Nevertheless, I was really sad today and I have been for a few weeks. I was certain it was him who started the silent treatment but he thinks it was I, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I fought back tears, and then after everything sunk in, I messaged him with how I felt. Gutless apparently. I wasn’t breaking up with someone over text though, and I wont see him till Wednesday. Like he said, I’m not important to him, he doesn’t care about me, or what I do and doesn’t feel the need to talk to me. And that’s it. Done.
I have a busy but relaxing day planned tomorrow (weather dependent) so I’m looking forward to that. Walk my spoodle, head to the gym for yoga and body balance, go to the pool for a swim and head to the outside of Parklands to listen to Big Day Out. I didn’t want to go this year, actually, I haven’t been since I was 15 as crazy as that sounds. Boy my head hurts still! I’ve had this constant headache all day. My chest needs ventolin once again, and I’ve got some studying to do.
N-E-J <3 my beautiful girls, you mean the world to me. And in the words of Muscle: Ice cream, is going to save the day…
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