It's Time.

This is what it felt like. Smooth, wholesome and pure, and all it needed was love...

It wasn’t an ‘it’ but he was male and he had a name. He didn’t have any hair and to touch him, his skin felt as smooth as an eggplant...

It was too early in the morning that day, about 2am. As i looked to the sky above me there wasn't a star to be seen... Rain sprinkled over us, that's when the chills started.

He couldn’t feed properly, so they had to result to force-feeding him and that was heart wrenching to watch. He was so small and helpless, and cried for his mum at the prick of a needle for his blood samples.

That’s when I reached out my arms to embrace him, and felt the touch of his warm skin. He couldn’t breathe properly, his eyes were clenched tightly shut and his heart pounded rapidly, alost reverberating across his entire body.

I walked with him, in circles, in just the one direction... talking to him, comforting him, grasping at any little hope there was in my mind that everything would be okay... 

Then he stopped breathing. He was just a baby...over a few months old. 

Sunflowers - no matter what sadness life brings, how can something so beautiful and pure not make one smile. 

Out of all the experiences i've had in my life, i've learnt that we need to be strong in the face of uncertain circumstances. We can't prepare ourselves for the unexpected conditions and surroundings we are thrown into, it's pointless to think we can possibly prepare ourselves for every situation because at the end of the day we can't. I think the problem comes when you find yourself in a vicious cycle repeating the same mistakes over and over, and you subconsciously refuse to learn from the past. Although growing up isn't an option, growth is. When we reflect back on our lives (as one must often should do) there comes a time when you realise going back isn't an option. Say for an example, you might have a thing for someone for a while, you start seeing them and the next step is a committed relationship, but the counterpart is afraid. A little under two years on from that original feeling and meeting, the two decide to be friends and perhaps see if anything more could come of it, however, this rarely works. So much has changed for both people they realise going backwards isn't an option. I believe in life we should listen to our gut instincts and always move forwards and not backwards, otherwise, we will find ourselves living in a rut. That constant, vicious cycle of "perhaps" and "maybes". Maybe someone was trying to tell you in the beginning to be careful because this one isn't worth it. Growth isn't something that happens overnight. It takes time. It's a journey full of surprises. It's our life and its these experiences that help shape who we are today. 

Just recently i've made a new friend. I've only known him for about a week but when you meet someone who has grown up and had a completely different life to you in another country, and had different experiences to you or been involved in things you'd never dream of, theres so much curiosity about. You can't help it, you just want to ask questions and truly get to know them. Im eager to know more about him and i enjoy his company. As we get older its hard to make new friends, decent ones at that (especially in the pretentious scene that is the gold coast) because sometimes they are just not the same as the ones you are used to. When your working or studying or getting to the gym, its hard to find that balance. Nevertheless for myself at the moment i'm enjoying spending time with someone who i don't really know, someone that makes me laugh and smile and allows me to be the person i am without judgement. We communicate honestly and openly and say whats on our minds. Theirs no hidden agendas, or games. I think its what i needed. I'm happy and thats what matters. I've decided to move forward by ridding my life of anything negative that brings me down, including past people i've been with, because whilst i don't regret being with the people i have, i can't be friends with them. I don't want to because it doesn't feel right. 

For the past few years i've been pretty unwell, (as i've mentioned numerous amount of times in previous blogs) and i've been struggling to get well and stay well. This year that is all going to change. Our lives are made up of 10% what happens to us, and 90% the way we react to it and I'm committed to be the person that i used to be. Its not that I went on some misled adventure and i have no idea what i want in life, i have an idea of course but life happened, experiences happened that changed my direction. I have short and long term goals and I constantly think about the bigger picture (at least it sits in the back of my mind). This year, i'm determined to find myself again and focus on having a positive attitude and staying committed to me, because like an ex boyfriend said to me: "you are so amazing and i'm so sorry for not allowing you to be the wonderful person that you are." So this year, i'm what matters and i'm putting myself first. Maybe that sounds selfish, but unless you are happy with yourself and who you are, how can you be happy with anyone else? 

I tried to write a poem today, but my inspirations a little all over the place! I made a few notes about my novel. I think whilst i'm not studying i should be writing and preparing my characters and continue my novel... it has a title.. "A Night at the Box". -- just feel like i'm under the upperhand... 

Until the stars fall

JP xxx

PS: My bud in the spring, i shed no more tears. RIP Stormy

The day after, the day of love.

Firstly i would like to mention that this is my 100th blog post.

100th!

...Sure, it should have come a lot sooner. As i'll admit (once again) i've been lazy and haven't had the time to give my blog the attention it deserves. Never say never as an old friend used to say to me from Seaworld. Not just any old friend, a person i considered my best friend at the time, and although we have parted and life has taken different courses for the both of us i still hold him in high regard and think of him often, hoping he is happy in all parts of his life. The little things. Often we would discuss the little things, stay up late texting each other the biggest text conversations ever, (mine with many spelling errors due to trying to text type too quickly and dictionary never working on my phone). Always, no matter what hour of the day, rain or shine, he was there for me and i'll never forget it. He helped me through a rough patch in my life. So im not sure if you're reading this, i know you check it often to see if i've posted since you were always my number one supporter apart from my dad who says every blog of mine is good, but i'm writing again. Writing again thanks to our conversation on facebook the other night. Writing because it feels right. I write because i love it.

 Fuck i miss writing and so much has happened in my life that one little blog post stating im back again aint going to do it justice. You should see the scribbles of thoughts on random pieces of paper floating about my room and on my desk and in my handbag. Urgh! So many times i've wanted to get back on here but the timing wasn't right. But when is it right! Sometimes the best things in life are unexpected of course they are. From the people we meet when we aren't expecting to meet anyone, to what you're having for lunch tomorrow hell you don't know, unless you are one of those prepared anal people who set out everything according to plan including the next 7 meals you're having for lunch. Or maybe you just wanna save money and the easiest thing to do is have leftovers for lunch. well, whatever the reason, im writing so if your drinking a JD and coke, a beer, glass of red or sipping your champagne, or skolling your herbal supplement shot and chasing it with a glass of orange juice because your immune system is so low you're on a weird plan (okay ill get to that later...) raise your glass because im back baby! Oh i forgot to mention...that can wait to. OKAY deep breath, close your eyes, get that butt comfy and get writing.

So much to catch up on. well, you what. The most interesting part to me is the fact that ... drum roll please.. I HAVE A SISTER. Alright, so she is my half sister, but nevertheless, i have a sister and just after christmas 2011, my older brother and i flew to melbourne to meet up with my dad and two older half brothers (try not get to confused) to meet her. We spent quite a bit of time together sightseeing and getting to know each others idiosyncrasies, letting the sis in on a few family secrets (you know, what the father as she calls him is really like) haha dad i promise it was all good....... well you were there for some of it haha. Hey, might as well learn the truth in the present, now or never, how he was as a father to us, the work stuff, the separation between him and my mum, him as a child and so on. Unfortunately my other older brother wasn't able to make it with his wife (yes wife!) he got married on Dec 15th so he beat all of us to the punch. I suppose he is meant to.. he is older than me.. anywho, back to melbourne. So we had a great time spending the days and nights together, getting to a little more about each other and the best part was that i got to spend some quality time not only with my sister but with Joshua, my older half brother from New Zealand. I enjoyed our discussions because he was very empathetic and understanding about the health problems i'd been through last year and it was nice to talk to someone who understood exactly what i was going through. What a big brothers for i guess? :) Of course i loved the zoo mostly out of everything we did as an outing because the zoo is where its at! The animals are beautiful and i could have watched the elephants all day. Since my last trip to the zoo one of the elephant females had had her baby so it was great to watch the two babies play together and interact with their mothers and the other female. The only thing was the heat was a killer that day. Sometimes the weather got up to 40+ degrees so it was a little hard to stay hydrated. One thing missing from my trip to melbourne was of course my mum, but also a friend of mine from highschool who lives there. Everytime i've been to Melbourne i've always had good intentions of catching up with him, yet it never seems to happen. He is one of the most talented and clever kids i know, and i miss him dearly. One day ill get round to seeing that face of his whilst im there, unless he goes jet setting to America!

Now considering im, well me, and im always sick, surprise, surprise I got a little sick on new years eve and had to leave dinner early. I was throwing up in the ladies bathroom and felt so ill and nautious i had to go home and miss out on the buzz of New Years and seeing the fireworks at Federation Square. At least i got to watch it on video the next day... You know, it's about time this sickness business stopped. Im tired of feeling sick. Over the past 2 weeks, nearly 3, i've had an awful viral infection with severe headaches, fevers, chills, night sweats, vomiting, sore throat and coughing with the most terrible muscle and joint aches i've ever felt. Believe me i was so glad that the pain in my joints stopped not long after my trip to hospital because that is not something i want to feel again! Anyway, im feeling a lot better now and i've seen a naturopath to get on top of it. Im on vitamin B tablets twice a day, immune boosters twice a day, a herbal supplement three times a day and a super smoothie with protein, oat milk, chia seeds, flaxseed oil, lecithen and fruit. Its pretty good actually and i have noticed a difference. I've just been taking it easy instead of throwing myself into the deep end. Apparently i have a really low immune system (i believe that) and adrenal gland insufficiency. Everything that was explained to me though is very helpful and i can see why my body is the way it is today. Its very disappointing that i had to drop my massage course because i missed too many sessions, however, i've decided to have a break from study, find a job and focus on saving to study massage next year. Im only 22 years old and i have an entire life ahead of me. I want to save some money so i can move out of home and start living my own life.

Its not a bad thing living at home i just want my own space sometimes and its hard to get it here. Sometimes i need to be by myself, otherwise, i get pretty moody. I am trying to control it and learn why i get the way i do but by gee its difficult sometimes! I miss my dad. He's living with my brother and his wife in Calamvale and doesn't have a car so he can't really visit me. I know i can contact him on skype or call him on the phone but i wish sometimes he'd think to call me and ask me if im okay. He's never been good at that...

My fan is set to 3..

I almost want to pack up my shit, grab my dog and leave. But its gunna have to wait a week or two. My last week of uni forever is fast approaching.. well actually it's already here! Two lectures tomorrow and a lab report due (my last assignment ever) another lecture thurs, 3 exams and bam, im finished uni forever and await my graduation in february. It can't come soon enough.

Im tired of uni and i just want to do my own thing. I think its time i get back up the sunshine coast and play with the animals

JP

its short and sweet and i could write a novel with the material up my sleeve but its going to have to wait. Dont have the mental energy. mmm henry doesn't cut it

And it's time for a break!

Well it was that time again.. another birthday and this time my dads! I woke up with a pounding headache, teary, sore throat and sniffling but nevertheless jumped in the shower, dressed myself and headed out the door for my exam (of which i was totally unprepared for and did not study at all.. and have missed half the classes) but for some reason i just don't care. It's probably because of how i feel at the moment, yet this lack of motivation to study a subject i'm very interested in is telling me something. You know what, i'm just going to get it out there and say what's on my mind -

I just want to kiss you all over, and over again! (Hmm. What a predicament!!)


Is it really necessary for me to post that for everyone to read? Yes. Hey, we all know what it feels like when you just want to be in the arms of the person who makes you go all googly eyed like puss in boots off shrek! Well, that's what he does to me.

Boy am i glad university is over for the semester. I feel positive about next semester considering the surgery will be done and over with and i'll be on the up and outer - to infinity and beyond as they say energy wise at least. Iron tablets are helping - i'm just glad i know for sure what's going on with me now and why for over a year i've been having these aches and pains. I read over some blogs from last year and noticed that a lot of the time i talk of muscle aches and pains, so yes, i'm definitely happy knowing whats wrong and knowing it's nothing major. And no, i'm not pregnant, the baby would be here by now!! I guess i'm not camping anytime soon but hopefully going for a little holiday with my best girlfriend Nadine. You know, she is such an amazing friend and i feel so lucky to have her in my life. Close friendships are so important as we go through the hurdles life throws our way, because support is key and friends will always be there for you. I feel blessed to have a loving family like i do also. I mean, families sure have their own ups and downs and sometimes people just get irritating and moody, and sometimes you just want to be alone and not see anyone! Family is family, and when things are amazing they are there for you, and when you are heartbroken and hurt, they are there for you with open arms and loving hugs because they know you best and will love you no matter what, even if you punch the door in whilst losing it and being moody and speaking badly - like when i sometimes take out my own frustrations on them. Forgiving, and forgetting, loving and more, that's what family is for. We had a lovely birthday night with dad. We gave dad his presents and although i was late - i had some great presents in tow and a beautiful icecream cake from baskins (the very best!) it was another nice birthday spent together.

Let's be honest. On a completely different subject i'm feeling confused. I don't know what to do and i don't know the first step to making it all better except that i will continue doing what i love such as stretching, yoga and pole dancing because it makes me happy. My flame is burning out and needs a little oomph to ignite it and build back that burning flame! Take each day as it comes i suppose.

1minute until midnight and thats my cue to sleep! ARGH its thursday.. hens tonight in my hot red number and new heels oh bam! We are going to hit the dance floor and secretly say in our minds as we step onto it 'move bitches, this floors ours!' Girls, it's on the floor!!

okay, sleep time..

until the sun rises.. JP

Back to the Drawing Board

There's an emptiness in my life.

Okay, so its Tuesday morning and i'm beginning this post at 12:22am according to my macbook pro of which i'm currently typing on. I'm freshly showered after a late dinner of toast and a skype chat with Jindy, and of course, my nightly butt exercise routine - because of course i cannot forget that one! Anywho, i was in the shower, showering away, as you do you know, and thought of the days events (this and that) then writing popped into my head and bam, my new blog post began itself in my head so i felt it was only right to post.

MORNING!!

As you are aware, or not, i'm now 22 and nearly finished my second semester of university. I can't believe how quick the years flown past, however, when you think of everything you've accomplished so far that year it definitely doesn't feel that fast. Nevertheless, it's the 16th August and i am definitely not regretting leaving Seaworld. I'd like to visit, in a year or so.. to see the progress of the beautiful baby dolphins i was so lucky to see grow and develop, yet i don't miss anything else about that place. Working at Seaworld brought so much negativity into my mind that not being there feels amazing. Leaving Seaworld, (although quite sudden with a lack of communication with my team - who don't give a shit if i'm there or not anyway - was one of the best feelings in the world. Less stressed and anxious, no more boredom and freedom. Since my birthday is often a time of reflection as i reminisce over the past few years and how i've grown and developed, my experiences and so on, i can't help but think about my 21st birthday dinner at Hard Rock Cafe here on the Gold Coast. A few faces of the party i don't see anymore, two of which have blocked me from facebook (very mature i see) and a few others which i decided to delete off my facebook anyway for personal reasons and so on. Two of them i really didn't want to be friends with because i hadn't spoken to them in so long and quite frankly i do not care. Way to hurt your shoulder getting onto a pontoon, whatever. I have my best girlfriend Nadine who means so much to me, i have my family and a few really good other friends. I've got some great friends at university and at pole dancing, and you know, its all i need. Life isn't a popularity contest, and if i cared that much about having a massive group of friends, i'd join the other barbies on the gold coast and get drunk on half shots on ladies night - no thanks.

Now, considering this year has had its own ups and downs - physically and mentally - i am looking forward to the next few months. I really feel that some positive things are going to happen and despite relationships having their own ups and downs, i feel positive about my relationship, but only time will tell. Sometimes its late at night i think about myself and who i am as a person - not in an adolescent moratorium kind of way - but in a general well being reflective way. My attitude, opinions, values, ideas and so on. I think about my character and what i need to improve on and my judgements. It's really interesting, i feel like for a few years now i've been trapped in a vicious circle which has had a negative influence on me. I've been feeling frustrated, like i'm thrown to the bottom of a steep wave. I've tried to explain it all and get back up but due to some relationship difficulties, i don't feel too good about myself - only natural. As soon as i've tried to get to the source of the problem, something flares up and im unable to do any more. Instead i analyse everything which is wrong in my relationship and start listing the areas in which we should both make improvements, but all this does is open the door to more confusion and doubt. We all make mistakes - i'm just a girl. I don't know anyone who doesn't need to make some sort of progress in the art of caring and affection, because we could all do with working a little harder on offering unconditional love to our partners and we could all do with being a little less sensitive, egotistical and nervous, however, this is only possible through openness, willingness and good practice. Once we are able to respond to our partners aggression with love, calmness and an open heart rather than with anger and hurt, then we will fully understand that nothing is better for maintaining a good, solid and caring relationship. Ideally a lover should treat his or her own partner as an equal in all aspects of life but we know this isn't the case, we do not live in a perfect world. As a matter of fact, for a whole load of different reasons certain people feel superior to those around them, in some cases it is because they do more than their chosen partner, and in other cases simple ignorance (ignorance is not bliss by the way), and then again there are those that are arrogant and think too highly of themselves. Whatever relationship people are in, i think the most important thing is openness, honesty and respect. Everyone wants to be respected therefore you should respect the other person to and appreciate them, and love them for them. I'm someone very special and unique - we all are. There are no two people alike on this earth - each of us  are irreplaceable. Relationships grow in strength and power when both partners come to terms with the contributions and efforts each person makes.

You know i have noticed that i sometimes suffer from 'mental attacks,' and they aren't doing me any good in my life. They are rather negative and bring me self-doubt and a lack of confidence (something i can be good at). It seems that i am victim to my own mind and the difficulty is that i'm not always aware of being a victim - it's something i'm more so noticing now. These 'mental attacks' are so rapid and frequent that i hadn't realised what was happening to me and how much damage it's doing to myself. I let myself get carried away by my thoughts (hence this blog!) in the same way someone might with a book or film, and they happen at random - anytime and any place. I know they stem from difficulties in my relationships, from certain fears and suspicions. What i need to do is watch my reactions carefully and realise when i begin to have one of those mental attacks and stop it by thinking hard about something else. Once i get rid of these negative mental attacks i can continue to live life more harmoniously and all the energy i spent uselessly on negativity can be put to more positive use! Again it's that little thing called attitude, right george? :)

That's another thing, i know me and George are at different stages in our lives but it does feel so strange to go our separate ways like we did - something we have spoken about recently and feel better for being open and honest with him. I know my blog isn't like it used to be, but i haven't had a lot of time for it. I think it's important i do get back on track with it and write, because writing makes sense to me. True, i have started painting and being a little more creative. Today i grabbed a whole bunch of the pistachio nut shells Jindy and I have been hoeing into and have decided to make a turtle scene out of them. Okay, it probably sounds like the weirdest thing creating a turtle picture out of pistachio nuts but hey, it's art right! I'm looking forward to painting on my semester break from uni. Im not 100% sure if we are going camping but i really hope we do. I've been looking so forward to it and i think it would be really good for us.

You know, life brings along with it it's own daily stressors and routines. Many of this difficulties which we encounter with our partners can become amplified by the daily grind of routine life together. These little stressors and conflicts can sow discord between two people, yet we need to try and ignore it to make the right decisions. Above all, i think it's important to be friends. Of course a couple shouldn't only be about this but relationships have to include friendship for it to work well which is something you and your partner need to understand. The best way to maintain or establish this friendship is to measure the good gestures made within your relationship. I suppose this sounds easier said than done, but a trusting friendship is the best way forward for a couple and i think for my relationship. I think that support is a big thing in a relationship. In a relationship we must treat our partners with the same kindness, sympathy and respect as you would your best friend, and above all, explain this and ask your partner to do the same. In situations it's important to ask yourself 'how would i react if this was my best friend?'

Im so tired. I cant believe it's 1:40am. I'm laying on my stomach and now my lower back is aching! I'm still in pain from the muscle spasm but am treating it with acupuncture (only one session so far) but we will see how it goes! Im looking forward to waking up and treating myself to some healthy porridge (inspired from Jindys mum) and some mandarin juice... nom nom nom. A day of studying, dinner with my best friend and a stretching session - i think it shall be a great day! Clearly my thoughts are a little mismatched at the moment yet i'm feeling comfortable and confident about the next few weeks ahead.

Until the sun doesn't set..

Jp xx

Baby you're a firework

HERE, NOW & ALWAYS

...

or not.

Its just one of those things where no matter what people say, it doesn’t make things better. I feel lost, like I have no direction in life. Sure, I’m at uni finishing my degree but even that’s a wasted endeavor because I’m not even trying. I have no motivation to study, I rarely went to class the second half of the semester, and I’m tired all of the time; my muscles feel weak. It’s taken a toll on my body including my emotional well being, my personal relationships with friends, family and of course Jindy. It’s been 11 days and I’ve got it again.

This irregularity to my health has been going on all year. What started as something seemingly minor, its escalated and it’s like it doesn’t stop. No wonder I’m tired - my bodies working hard trying to fight this pest. It’s just an interfering monstrosity of a being! Anyway, I’ve seen the appropriate people and I can get it fixed soon enough – for quite a high price of course! Yet, something has to be done. I have an exam tomorrow that I’m totally unprepared for it and of course to my delight, this pest has impeccable timing, and has presented itself to me in time for my exam. YAY. . *rolls eyes*

I bought new bedding today, in time for summer and have completely changed my room. Kind of an early spring clean. I think that when my room is clean, something is wrong and it just doesn't feel right, but i know it will only stay like this until i get home tomorrow, then the jodie bomb will hit the house once again. 

Im really looking forward to my exams finishing. It will be complete me time with rest and relaxation. A hens night full of fun, dancing and laughter (perfect timing) and a wedding next saturday to top it all off seeing two of my most awesome friends come together as one family, with their little girl in tow :) Im definitely going to have to wipe my CF card to take many photos! 

You know i have a lot of positive things in my life yet i don't feel normal.

I just want to feel normal again and be appreciated for me. 

History Repeating

Although i am a young and active 21 year old (soon to be 22), i feel like i've been hit by a bus. Im tired and often lethargic, in pain and unfocussed and unmotivated. I feel like i have a kidney infection all over again. Although i've paid for pole i couldn't attend this week. I don't have the energy, heck, i dont even have the mental capacity right now for my speech on palm oil. I just want to be healthy again.