Back to the Drawing Board

There's an emptiness in my life.

Okay, so its Tuesday morning and i'm beginning this post at 12:22am according to my macbook pro of which i'm currently typing on. I'm freshly showered after a late dinner of toast and a skype chat with Jindy, and of course, my nightly butt exercise routine - because of course i cannot forget that one! Anywho, i was in the shower, showering away, as you do you know, and thought of the days events (this and that) then writing popped into my head and bam, my new blog post began itself in my head so i felt it was only right to post.

MORNING!!

As you are aware, or not, i'm now 22 and nearly finished my second semester of university. I can't believe how quick the years flown past, however, when you think of everything you've accomplished so far that year it definitely doesn't feel that fast. Nevertheless, it's the 16th August and i am definitely not regretting leaving Seaworld. I'd like to visit, in a year or so.. to see the progress of the beautiful baby dolphins i was so lucky to see grow and develop, yet i don't miss anything else about that place. Working at Seaworld brought so much negativity into my mind that not being there feels amazing. Leaving Seaworld, (although quite sudden with a lack of communication with my team - who don't give a shit if i'm there or not anyway - was one of the best feelings in the world. Less stressed and anxious, no more boredom and freedom. Since my birthday is often a time of reflection as i reminisce over the past few years and how i've grown and developed, my experiences and so on, i can't help but think about my 21st birthday dinner at Hard Rock Cafe here on the Gold Coast. A few faces of the party i don't see anymore, two of which have blocked me from facebook (very mature i see) and a few others which i decided to delete off my facebook anyway for personal reasons and so on. Two of them i really didn't want to be friends with because i hadn't spoken to them in so long and quite frankly i do not care. Way to hurt your shoulder getting onto a pontoon, whatever. I have my best girlfriend Nadine who means so much to me, i have my family and a few really good other friends. I've got some great friends at university and at pole dancing, and you know, its all i need. Life isn't a popularity contest, and if i cared that much about having a massive group of friends, i'd join the other barbies on the gold coast and get drunk on half shots on ladies night - no thanks.

Now, considering this year has had its own ups and downs - physically and mentally - i am looking forward to the next few months. I really feel that some positive things are going to happen and despite relationships having their own ups and downs, i feel positive about my relationship, but only time will tell. Sometimes its late at night i think about myself and who i am as a person - not in an adolescent moratorium kind of way - but in a general well being reflective way. My attitude, opinions, values, ideas and so on. I think about my character and what i need to improve on and my judgements. It's really interesting, i feel like for a few years now i've been trapped in a vicious circle which has had a negative influence on me. I've been feeling frustrated, like i'm thrown to the bottom of a steep wave. I've tried to explain it all and get back up but due to some relationship difficulties, i don't feel too good about myself - only natural. As soon as i've tried to get to the source of the problem, something flares up and im unable to do any more. Instead i analyse everything which is wrong in my relationship and start listing the areas in which we should both make improvements, but all this does is open the door to more confusion and doubt. We all make mistakes - i'm just a girl. I don't know anyone who doesn't need to make some sort of progress in the art of caring and affection, because we could all do with working a little harder on offering unconditional love to our partners and we could all do with being a little less sensitive, egotistical and nervous, however, this is only possible through openness, willingness and good practice. Once we are able to respond to our partners aggression with love, calmness and an open heart rather than with anger and hurt, then we will fully understand that nothing is better for maintaining a good, solid and caring relationship. Ideally a lover should treat his or her own partner as an equal in all aspects of life but we know this isn't the case, we do not live in a perfect world. As a matter of fact, for a whole load of different reasons certain people feel superior to those around them, in some cases it is because they do more than their chosen partner, and in other cases simple ignorance (ignorance is not bliss by the way), and then again there are those that are arrogant and think too highly of themselves. Whatever relationship people are in, i think the most important thing is openness, honesty and respect. Everyone wants to be respected therefore you should respect the other person to and appreciate them, and love them for them. I'm someone very special and unique - we all are. There are no two people alike on this earth - each of us  are irreplaceable. Relationships grow in strength and power when both partners come to terms with the contributions and efforts each person makes.

You know i have noticed that i sometimes suffer from 'mental attacks,' and they aren't doing me any good in my life. They are rather negative and bring me self-doubt and a lack of confidence (something i can be good at). It seems that i am victim to my own mind and the difficulty is that i'm not always aware of being a victim - it's something i'm more so noticing now. These 'mental attacks' are so rapid and frequent that i hadn't realised what was happening to me and how much damage it's doing to myself. I let myself get carried away by my thoughts (hence this blog!) in the same way someone might with a book or film, and they happen at random - anytime and any place. I know they stem from difficulties in my relationships, from certain fears and suspicions. What i need to do is watch my reactions carefully and realise when i begin to have one of those mental attacks and stop it by thinking hard about something else. Once i get rid of these negative mental attacks i can continue to live life more harmoniously and all the energy i spent uselessly on negativity can be put to more positive use! Again it's that little thing called attitude, right george? :)

That's another thing, i know me and George are at different stages in our lives but it does feel so strange to go our separate ways like we did - something we have spoken about recently and feel better for being open and honest with him. I know my blog isn't like it used to be, but i haven't had a lot of time for it. I think it's important i do get back on track with it and write, because writing makes sense to me. True, i have started painting and being a little more creative. Today i grabbed a whole bunch of the pistachio nut shells Jindy and I have been hoeing into and have decided to make a turtle scene out of them. Okay, it probably sounds like the weirdest thing creating a turtle picture out of pistachio nuts but hey, it's art right! I'm looking forward to painting on my semester break from uni. Im not 100% sure if we are going camping but i really hope we do. I've been looking so forward to it and i think it would be really good for us.

You know, life brings along with it it's own daily stressors and routines. Many of this difficulties which we encounter with our partners can become amplified by the daily grind of routine life together. These little stressors and conflicts can sow discord between two people, yet we need to try and ignore it to make the right decisions. Above all, i think it's important to be friends. Of course a couple shouldn't only be about this but relationships have to include friendship for it to work well which is something you and your partner need to understand. The best way to maintain or establish this friendship is to measure the good gestures made within your relationship. I suppose this sounds easier said than done, but a trusting friendship is the best way forward for a couple and i think for my relationship. I think that support is a big thing in a relationship. In a relationship we must treat our partners with the same kindness, sympathy and respect as you would your best friend, and above all, explain this and ask your partner to do the same. In situations it's important to ask yourself 'how would i react if this was my best friend?'

Im so tired. I cant believe it's 1:40am. I'm laying on my stomach and now my lower back is aching! I'm still in pain from the muscle spasm but am treating it with acupuncture (only one session so far) but we will see how it goes! Im looking forward to waking up and treating myself to some healthy porridge (inspired from Jindys mum) and some mandarin juice... nom nom nom. A day of studying, dinner with my best friend and a stretching session - i think it shall be a great day! Clearly my thoughts are a little mismatched at the moment yet i'm feeling comfortable and confident about the next few weeks ahead.

Until the sun doesn't set..

Jp xx