When we reminisce...

As we fulfill our day to day duties, its interesting to note just how quickly time seems to pass us by, yet if we look back on our past even if its only a time frame such as 2months, it seems so long ago, when really it's not. October last year my ex and i ended our relationship. I moved home, he stayed and paid on with the rent until finally he could move out, and we continued on with our own lives. It feels a lifetime ago that we were together even though it's just under a year. Since then, so many different events have occurred, friends have come and gone, multi-hire job positions started/finished, a myriad of different schedules, needs, wants and the such. One year really isn't that long, but when you string it all out in front of you in a time line, and look back on everything you've learnt, achieved, gained and lost, wow... time does fly! This kind of reflection on my past year has made me realise that life is long if you know how to use it and most importantly that we don't need to rush things in life. If we slow down and take things at our own pace, we can appreciate life's intricacies and how beautiful developing a friendship or a relationship is. Everyone comes from a different background, we all have our different stories, experiences, wants, goals, desires etc. and to understand each other means understanding each persons individual emotional needs. We must build and gain trust between one another.

It takes two to tango, so in a relationship it's not one way or the other but two roads merging into one, understanding one another, compromising, being supportive and being there through thick and thin. There's always a little fear, excitement and that youthful naivety when meeting someone new so embrace it, you never know where it could lead you. Our past experiences with relationships give us an idea as to what we want for our future relationships, whether it be just a friendship, a life long friend or a new partner. Our feelings lead us down some crazy and unusual paths however its those spontaneous, unexpected feelings that take you by surprise, your off guard, vulnerable and not ready: or so you think. Apart of you may still be hurting from our past experiences but you aim to look forward and not let it affect your future. It's hard to adjust to different circumstances when you were once so used to waking up and seeing that person every morning, to closing your eyes at night to their face and feeling their warm breath on your neck. When you catch up with past partners sometimes those 'old feelings' come back as they say, however, perhaps it's simply a reminiscing of a time in your life where you were happy and it felt right at that time. But what about when you ended it? As difficult and sad as it was saying goodbye to someone you once loved so dearly, it was the right thing to do also. At the time of breakup and a few weeks after, months even, you miss them, you want to go back, you don't want to feel trapped again, your unsure if your thinking clearly whilst your head is clouded by your emotions and a myriad of phrases your mind mulls over makes you think twice. 6 months down the track you know you made the right choice, and you knew you were going to get over it. If something doesn't feel right, don't get stuck in a rut and go with your heart but don't let your emotions cloud your judgment. Everybody hurts, however, its times like these your taught an invaluable lesson: never give up on what you truly believe in, trust your instincts and be true to yourself.

It was a long and dark December 2009: I drank a lot of rum, didn't eat properly, was vulnerable, anxious and extremely paranoid; I was confused and lonely, i felt like a little lost soul in a maze of mud, stuck. I didn't know then if i made the right decision, or what i really wanted except that happiness was at the top of the list. I didn't want to feel afraid, i wanted to feel like me. When your in a relationship where you can't be yourself and find it hard to talk about what you really want, it's time to get out. At the moment i'm single and it is easier.  I've been reflecting back on my past relationships as i can't help but notice the subtle differences but also the way i felt in them, and how i feel about them now. The different ways they understood me and the kind of person they thought i was. There are so many different things i enjoy that show my passion and excitement for life, and then there were times it was drained out of me and i was walking on eggshells. I've been looking at how this happened, what jumps out at me and illustrates the reasons why. Our minds are like a road map and our emotions even more, but when we look back and know where we were at that stage of our lives, we can grasp onto the things that made us happy and showed us who we really are, and know what got us there in the first place. Our emotions are more than words, because you could be saying one thing, but showing a completely different side of the story. As i grow up i aim to understand my emotions and know where i'm at. I aim to be the person i want to through hard work, dedication but most of all just being me. Open, honest, erratic (still admit it) When im me, im free. When im understanding whats going on in that little mind of mine, well even better.