each breath gets deeper

I flew through the door, my legs reflected jelly, camera in one hand but i couldn't speak. My heart thumped through my chest as it heaved up and down as i gasped for air, tears flowing down my cheeks. I shrieked with each fight for a deep breath but i couldn't get one down. I was thirsty, hot, cold and weak. I panicked and threw a towel down collapsing on the floor trying my hardest to calm down and just breathe. I told my colleague i was fine, nevertheless i was far from it. I needed my ventolin and water.

I woke up this morning after yet another night of interrupted sleep. This time it was headaches, nausea and a night of bad dreams with terrible stomach pains, my body was feeling weak. Dizzy, I slipped out of my bed with my heat pack and stumbled to the microwave. Each step i took my chest felt heavy, closed in, i struggled to take a nice, soothing, deep breath - It felt as though my muscles were lacking oxygen. Mum told me i looked pale but i disregarded it, showered, ate breakfast and took Jenna for a stroll. The air felt fine at this time of morning, but the humidity in the air contributed nicely to what happened at work. Why didn't i have my ventolin on the day i most needed it? Asthma attacks are very scary and very real.

The weather was okay today, however i didn't feel right. At the moment i feel weak, both arms are shaky. I struggled driving to work this morning but fought it as much as i could. I went to work, walked to the booth, went to grab a water which took 10mins due to all the 'newbies', came back and i was late to film the program. Well, i wasn't late to film it, i left the booth and the count had already left, so i headed down to the beach and the guests weren't ready yet. As usual, when my life starts to look up something stops me in its tracks. I feel like i'm being tested in so many different situations - I just want to be healthy like i used to be. In before we know it everyone's ready to film the first program for the day and it begins... What happens? My camera fails to work properly. It films for about 15 seconds then all of a sudden flashes 'card door opened' the camera switches off and the programs full steam ahead. Already in the walk in my battery died within 8seconds. Great! (note the sarcasm?) I jumped off the board, tried to radio the booth...no answer. Headed to 'the count' and asked him what i could do, so then he said to head to the booth whilst photos are on and grab the new camera. So i run.

Once i got to the booth and stopped it hit me. I should have stopped when i felt my chest tighten but i didn't want to miss anymore of the program. FB had to grab another camera, asked me if i needed the nurse but i said no, and that i could handle it. That was my first mistake, i really couldn't. I heaved, shrieked, shrilled, cried and gasped for air so much i collapsed to the floor. Since then i rested on our floor of the booth. It stunk, was filthy and i still struggled to breathe. After an hour i guess i did need the nurse. I needed ventolin so shaneo walked with me up there, slowly, eventually we got there. The nurse gave me ventolin straight away and listened to my chest. My right side was clear but my left was wheezing so deeply, i was still pale. She sent me home and asked shaneo to walk me to the car, even offering a wheelchair because of how weak i was. My colour started coming back and i was glad to be breathing. This is what scares me about diving. Perhaps maybe i won't be able to do it??

After hitting the chemist and grabbing more pain killers, ventolin and a gatorade i was straight home, into the shower then curled up onto the couch to rest. Each time i sat up i was dizzy...it was such an awful feeling. At the moment i'm still resting, trying not to walk around i feel like my legs will collapse. Asthma isn't something to mess around with and i haven't felt like this since i was 14 years old dancing my heart out at an eisteddfod, falling off to the side of stage, collapsing because i couldnt breathe. I was alone when it happened, frightened and dazed. I'm looking forward to spag bowl tonight and sleeping so i can feel better tomorrow. When i couldn't breathe all i could think about was seeing the predicament. I knew he would make me feel better but i didn't want to tell him what happened. I want him to have time to his self. You know whats interesting, since seeing him, people who used to sometimes say hello to me, give me the strangest looks. I couldn't care less about them it's just interesting. And i wonder if its due to his previous girlfriend. It makes me feel weird sometimes about who his ex girlfriend is since we used to work together however me and the predicament never used to talk. ever. He's a good guy, i just want him to be happy. After dinner, its time for a long, hot bath with my new lush bath bomb. Thanks gang:)