LoVe is not enough

Every little thing that occurs in our life has consequences. Every little feeling, or moment; every time you step outside the door and feast your eyes on the world around us, you take a deep breath and willingly venture out and see what you can accomplish that day. You may have the day off from work, the sun is shining and you head to a day at the beach. Or you might go grocery shopping, do your household chores, take your children to a park whatever it is you decided to do, you discover more about yourself and learn that life is fleeting (even if you do know how to use it) thanks Seneca. 


A happy life is one which is in accordance with its own nature.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

My mind cannot begin to distinguish between the events of late. It's not High Fidelity, a story about growing up when you're grown up, but it sure feels like it. Last day of week 11 at university. One analysis report to complete about the Australian Securities Exchange, (riveting). A presentation about my Yoga by Donation project, two exams and endless nights of studying. I have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks. There's skydiving (what a rush), nights with friends who i haven't seen; i'm sure there are many stories to be shared, my exams and camping before easter. April is forecast to be a month of fun and adventure, including horse riding along the beach in Noosa Foreshore, romantic huh? 

Some things have happened that have made me second guess everything that it is i'm doing with myself, but a conversation with my sister (for those of you who don't know, i met her via facebook) turned things around for the better. I was able to explain things, without having that feeling of judgment, stripped bare i disclosed my true feelings. Thank you technology.   

My dad is home from his two month adventure to Melbourne, Tasmania and Adelaide. I missed him you know, he is my dad after all, however, relaxation is the key to fulfilment and happiness. It's something he needed, to get away, everyone needs a break every now and then. I know he had a great time seeing old friends and family. I'm jealous of all the picturesque scenery (good and bad) he would have seen, the characters he would have come across, the sights, the smells of a new city. Like a new emotion, tingling, contradictory to the norm. I want to travel and see the world, meet people and experience the sights and smells of another culture, another world. After i graduate from my degree I don't know where the end of this year will take me, the places i'll end up but i'll be out there somewhere in the world. We all have goals, ambitions and dreams right? 

I have a boyfriend who makes me feel alive and happy who is leaving somewhat soon (i'm not sure of exactly when as it keeps changing depending on his circumstances) to embark on his own adventure, hence, we have a break off point. Therefore, one would say our relationship is rather casual considering the deadline, yet it feels so serious at the same time. Half the time i can't explain what it is yet i go with the flow and enjoy it for what it is. Want me to tell you the honest truth? Sometimes, love is not enough... Currently it's the biggest thing in his life at the moment, but i don't want to be reminded of the fact that he is leaving every time i'm with him, for our time together is fleeting, like an old photos colour that's slowly fading. Sure, colour can be restored, but can that feeling between two people last? That one moment? 

I remember the time we first kissed. We were in Brisbane standing on some sort of bridge from the Botanical Gardens. I wasn't ready for it, he grabbed me, pulled me in and kissed me. There was so much energy, i still feel it when i kiss him today. Its an amazing feeling and feels like it only happened yesterday. He stares at me, sometimes constantly and reminds me how gorgeous i am like a record on repeat, but i enjoy it. I mean who wouldn't? It's nice someone feels that way about me. We were driving in the car and he said 'i think i love you.' After we had a disagreement the night before...If he truly loves me, he wouldn't say 'i think.' Love is not a word i throw around to just anyone and i really care about him, that's no surprise to any of my friends or to himself. I honestly don't know how to begin deciphering through the hidden messages my gut feelings are sending me. What's swept through feels like a whirlwind and i can't sleep at night. The feelings will pass soon, but is it bad things would be much easier if i simply never met him? I feel unsettled, almost anxious and I had a mild anxiety attack last week. Don't get me wrong, i'm so thankful for meeting him, he has given me this sense of 'being' i can't explain it, i'm a lot more motivated and conscious of what i'm doing. The time i have with him is short but i do plan on seeing him in Canada; being with him is awesome, we don't stop smiling around each other. We have something special. You can feel something special with different people and this is one of those. I just wish there was some kind of manual for it. Something to tell me what to do, a guideline. He tells me i'm gorgeous and then tells me when he gets back from the States, he hopes that i 'will dump whatever douche bag i'm with and be with him.' An interesting comment, i chuckled of course. He says funny things like that all the time, how he would marry me and pop out a few kids with me when he gets back because he doesn't want anyone else but me. What more am i to do, than just laugh and take it on the nose? He told me he would marry me on our drive to Noosa after only knowing me for a little bit, staring at me the whole drive, hey i'm glad i made it back safe and sound. When he smiles at me, it's more than words could ever express. As he said to me 'absence makes the heart grow fonder baby.' now who's the romantic one? Just kidding. 

We go through our lives from one extreme to the next forming partnerships and relationships, some shorter than others. We be spontaneous; things can and do happen rather unexpectedly so we embrace the opportunities that come our way. Things happen beyond our control and we can't help the feelings that we feel. This year is a big one for me, and i would love for him to be apart of it at least until July. He needs to save up quite a bit of cash anyway but sometimes i feel like he will just spring it on me that he is say, leaving next week. He already told me he can't bear to say goodbye to me, so would much rather just leave, and call me from America as he 'doesn't want to see me hurt.' If he respects me, he will be brave enough to say goodbye to me properly.

No one likes to hurt anyone, but everybody hurts sometime. At the moment Bob marleys Could you be loved is playing in the background. It reminds me of him. 

Could you be loved and be loved? With a timeline?

Brighter days ahead

Everyone is someone not even mildly the same.

Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.

Not even a month has passed and i feel like i've known him for a year. 

We have all been there. Whether it was a short relationship or the break up of a long term marriage the pain is still there: that ultimate grief you feel when you have lost someone you thought you would be with forever.

"Missing you isn't the hard part, knowing I once had you is what breaks my heart."

You may miss them but knowing that you were with them and never will be again is going to take some coming to terms with.

Human beings have incredible tales of love, heartache, grief, pain, adventure, war and other people who touched their lives or walked in and out. We live our lives from one stage to the next, riding on our horses way up unto the sky and that's just the way it is. When we fall, our friends and family are there to pick us up but the question is when?


I think it's time i forget about thinking of my past or my future as such but enjoy the present. The ending is inevitable and i know i will be saddened. As the saying goes, people walk in and out of your lives and some leave footprints on your heart. So many times i miss certain people in my life. Something exciting happens to me and i want to ring up 'such and such' or 'that person' but i don't because i can't. Those people are no longer apart of my life anymore for one reason or another. My head is spinning round. What is it with night time and endless thoughts? I should go to bed and watch flight of the conchords to take my mind off things. Should, could, don't. Kind of like studying for my mid semester exams - i know i should have, i really could have, yet i didn't. One year and i'm still not motivated, perhaps quitting my work will help? I spoke to my supervisor about dropping back to casual as i don't think i can fulfil the requirements of my permanent contract. I wish i cared more and i don't - a saying typical of the past week. My happiness is so important to me this year, as it should be and at work i'm extremely unhappy, so i need to do something about it. Don't sit back and watch my miserable days go by but get out and make something happen, a positive change to another scenery. I've been trying to find a new job and it's not easy. If only i could draw. 

My best friend and i spent the afternoon together dealing with murphys law for one (technology does not like me!). But then soon after headed into surfers to get some new ink - my long awaited sunflower tattoo. The tattoo looks amazing and i'm very happy with it, i just didn't think it would take so long. 


JP x


PS: grhhhrhrhrhhrhrhrhruuuurrr


All of the colours i see everytime i see you.. is everything still a bet?

Happiness depends upon ourselves

Bill Cosby once said: "decide that you want it, more than your afraid of it." This is easier said than done. I headed to the beach this afternoon after a very hot day with the boyfriend and couldn't head into the water past my knees. Put simply, i'm afraid. My boyfriend laughed at this but i've been frightened for along time now, and laughing doesn't make it easier. I shrugged it off as he headed off into the waves almost frolicking about, but as i stand watching the waves crash down onto the sand, i feel anxiousness as nerves twist their way through my stomach and my breath shortens. "I'm more afraid of the waves than going skydiving," i said. "You know it's illogical to be afraid of that over skydiving, i bet you won't say that when the doors open and your about to jump out," he said. "I know i'm a goose, i blame my dad." (Sorry dad but i do) The ocean is a dangerous place for marine turtles, therefore its dangerous for me. I'm kidding i know i shouldn't be afraid and i will face my fears, as long as i have supportive people around me who help me through it. The asthma thing makes me nervous, but considering i jogged for 20minutes two weeks ago, i know i can do this and i will fight it.

It was great spending the afternoon with someone who constantly makes me smile. He was working hard, had a move from Brisbane to the coast so i showed up with 'v' in tow waiting for him to finish so i could grab him and kiss him. Who doesn't like a sweaty man working hard? And a man who gets so distracted by you that he locks his keys in his truck. "Better luck next time." Lucky for us my RACQ membership got us through and the guy let us off the hook. The truck was easier to break into than my ford apparently.

I do love this feeling and i love seeing my man. I try and enjoy my time with him and not think about the future but rather enjoy what time i do have with him. I know he is excited about leaving and heading off on his adventure around the states, i mean what he is about to do is unreal, but i don't want to hear about it all the time. Considering he is embarking on a relationship with me yet i do understand he is leaving, i just can't be without him. Looks like we will just have to wait and see what happens.

I'm an honest person and i say how i feel. It would be great if we lived closer together and its interesting the timing he has coming into my life. At the moment, he's the best thing i have besides the most beautiful girl friends i'm so fortunate to have and my loving family. I don't know, its just different and i don't have the brain power to describe the thoughts running through that 21 year old brain of mine. I want to achieve a lot this year and he motivates me to do this. No matter how much i tell myself 'enjoy the now', he is a man worth more than just a fling.

Living in the NOW!

You make me feel like i'm living a teenage dream, a fairytale of wonders in my own new world order.

It's infectious.

It's ruthless.

It's definitely not a game. 

It has an unknown ending; one we cannot tame.

It's interesting, you know, feeling the way i do about a certain someone who has come into my life gracefully unexpectedly and completely out of nowhere. Has everything in my life changed for the better, or could it be for the worse? 

Tonight I'm exhausted, although i did have a lovely afternoon, i'm sitting here typing away on my laptop, switching between Facebook and this blog, teary eyed, straining to keep my mind actively positive. It was definitely a sunday i wish would happen every sunday, minus the morning work. I have two exams tomorrow, one for the morning, and one for the afternoon. One of my assignments is due by midnight tonight, and it's very unlike me to not have even started it. Wait i wrote my name, student ID and completed the heading, does that count? Does it cross my mind that this lack of motivation is completely unacceptable? Does it bother me? Well yes, but at the moment i just want to pass. Quite frankly a high distinction for the subject means nothing anymore, not like it did in week 1. The subject literally bores the crap out of me and i can't wait for it to be over and done with. Fin. Through high school i thought university was all about 'what you wanted to do' and 'what you wanted to achieve with your life', not being made to do a subject just so the university can pat itself on the back and say 'look what our graduates graduate with: a certain set of skills and outcomes unlike any other university graduate.' Mmm hmm.

I'm back to the drawing board. No savings, my hard earned money, gone. $360 fine for not displaying my p-plates and going 110km's in a 90 zone before the gate way bridge ("is there any reason your speeding?" he said. "No... it's a highway...?" "hm" he snarled.) Lucky for me my man was in the car and i stayed calm, i mean, when do i get pulled over by police? I didn't know what to expect. I felt like a little kid at school who was in trouble for eating in class or something. Now if i didn't sell my soundwave ticket i wouldn't be down $360, i wouldn't have gone on a Brisbane river cruise and gotten sick and i wouldn't have spent quality time with a great person. Okay well the soundwave ticket thing is all well and good in hindsight, but do i regret spending quality time with a person that makes me smile all day? Hell no. 

The last 14 days have opened my eyes to new possibilities, new adventures and new landscapes. A change of scenery is in order, yet it's going to have to be later, rather than sooner (contradictory to the norm). It's like a whole new emotion, tingling, something i haven't felt in a long time. It's not the usual 'he's cute' business that's only natural, it's something more. My motivation has taken on a whole new level. I want to get out and see the world, travel, explore and do what i love. I wish i had more motivation to study for these exams, finish and upload my assignment and get good grades yet it's just not there. Not for this anyway. I've got the motivation to be on Facebook, still, get up off this chair and make vegemite toast, chat to friends, write poetry, hell i've got motivation writing my blog but i look at this uni stuff and go blah, oh how I can't wait till tomorrow afternoon. Done and dusted. That vegemite tasted good. 

So lets be honest, i think just don't fight it, if you don't know what it is, however it's hard to let your mind stop. I don't want to resist the feelings (the feelings you feel, when you want to keep feeling it) but do i let myself fall or continue to hold myself back and just stand at the edge of the plane anticipating the jump? Do i simply fall out the side and let myself go, awaiting the sudden stop where the parachute is released, and i'm not free falling anymore, just cruising and experiencing the cool breeze on my face? Enjoy it for what it is? There's a breaking point, do i set myself up for the fall and reflect on the roller coaster i experience along the way, or end it now? To jump, or not to jump? What would you do? 

Your life is what you wish it to be, if you wish it. So don't sit back and watch things happen, go out and make things happen. I'm doing it and i'm making it happen for myself. Sunscreen stops blype. Wear it. 

JP Xx 

we can tan in the moon light, 

set free across the seas, explore the world around us and use only what we need. 

i love the world around us 

and these feelings we can feel, its an experience, an adventure, one completely unexpected and surreal

Feeling happy? Definitely.

Here we go again with the endless thoughts running through my mind. I sat staring at a blank page reminiscing about my past week and the people i've been so fortunate to meet. I've been listening to the sounds of the good vibrations festival practically all day, thankful that i'm not there. Today it was important to have a day alone. I cleaned at work this morning, went to the gym for an hour, bathed my dog, chilled out in the sun for a bit (vitamin d is always good), cleaned the house, studied, relaxed, slept, studied which brings me to the now. My thoughts begin at 21 blog.

~ the colour begins to shine through the black and white ~

This past week i've lacked motivation for study and revision. I've been a little moody, okay, time to be honest, i've had terrible mood swings so terribly moody. I've just felt exhausted all week, nevertheless, it's been the best week of the year, and considering i'm heading to Currumbin after work tomorrow for the day with some friends, it was time i pulled my finger out and got stuck in. I've accomplished more than i thought i would today and did everything except what mum asked of me to do: pick up Jennas dog poo... oops! Now its dark, i can't see so that will have to wait till tomorrow.

Sunflowers at work made my day a lot brighter simply by looking at them, then a text message at the perfect moment that says 'your gorgeous.' I met someone who with just one look turns my stomach into a mass of butterflies cos everything he does is perfect. He makes me smile, giggle and blush (something i haven't done in a long time) and in his arms it feels so right. I don't know where this new encounter will lead me, but thats the adventure right? Its exciting, daring and definitely encouraging. I ended up with an unexpected valentines day simply by being with him. Nothing beats this feeling that i'm feeling - you know, the one you feel when you want to keep feeling it. Its good to be me and i'm glad things with Harley are definitely finished. I never should have gone back but i'm happy where i am today - with him not in any part of my life.

I know who i am, and who i may be, if i choose, and i choose to do what i love, be spontaneous and enjoy life's intricacies because thats what forms our ultimate identity. Im a leo, so i love to love and that i do with my family and friends. Giving the gift of a smile is something i enjoy doing and i can't see the point in dwelling on things i did or said yesterday, last week or even last year. I had an interesting conversation today about some people from work, that opened up my eyes to a decision i made well over a year ago. Today i realised i did the right thing. Separating my work life from my out-of-work life is the best thing i ever did. Its been a good break only cleaning in the mornings for two weeks and i know when i get back in the water filming the dolphin swims i'll have a fresh, new outlook. I don't miss dvds but i miss seeing the animals. Who doesn't have a smile on their face when they see a dolphin almost everyday?

Next week i have a very fulfilling week ahead with assignments, revision, work, a drive to Brisbane, birthday drinks and Soundwave. I've been pumped about this since the release of the line up and the purchase of my ticket. A few acts i look forward to are Iron Maiden, Sum 41, Slayer, Stone sour, Pennywise, Slash and Less than Jake. Im hitting it with my brother and my brother from another mother so it will be a great day/night. Although i start at 6am the next morning, i think i can handle it! The week after is mid-semester exams so i need some fun and excitement mixed in with my studies. Yoga classes will be my main focus next week - i got my heels down in my downward dog. I've been stretching practically every night aiming to gain my flexibility back to when i was 15. Its been difficult, yet when you see results you feel so much better, and it makes me want to work harder.

Im so anxious about tomorrow, i just want to sleep so its tomorrow already! Remember that feeling?

My Friend

NADINE

She is the sweetest berry,
bright red, as pure as a rose,
a love so kind and innocent,
her heart in which it shows.

She is the most beautiful swan,
dancing across the lake,
her fingertips brushed softly pink,
her heart shall never break.

She is the sunshine on a cloudy day,
as pretty as a bird,
her courage hidden beneath her wings,
her heart as strong, unstirred.

I know she is so precious and kind,
and of the sweetest deed,
her smile lights up the saddest times,
in the life in which i lead.

She is a glorious wonder,
to me, more than words can say,
a friend to me forever there,
in my life forever she will stay.

She is my friend, one of the best,
i will ever know,
for her love for life and heart of gold,
is one of a kind to show.

Raise the curtain, raise your glass,
for Nadine is a most precious being,
i wish for her only happiness and love
and to always follow her dreams.

Love and thoughts xx

In love and honour

What would you do when faced with the grave decision to be reckless, stand in the face of bravery and fight for what you believe in?

What is more beautiful, courage or sacrifice?

In this afternoon I write of my hearts wonders and my minds freedom of speech, for what my mind speaks is no ones hearing. Not unless I let the words spill from fingertips onto this page, or in speech through my tongue. What of love does humanity seek? Where are your deepest darkest secrets held? Locked tightly beneath your breasts, kept sacred within your heart, or treasured within the mind? I question your motives, are they yours or perhaps the push of others. Stripped and bare naked with but a belly ring almost sitting on the stomach as it rises and falls with the breath. Freedom is the key to the happiness of humanity. The smiles of innocent children playing on a field: skipping, dancing and lulling about with one another. Material possessions are worthless for comfort comes not from money but friends, love and companionship.

Give to thyself the freedom and peace of mind to trust your matters of the heart, for the heart is a wondrous organ full of life and energy. Your heart brings each of you through daylight and nightfall of the hours of beginning and end. No body can take it from you. Trust your mind to follow your heart wisely, contently and considerably all can be yours. For when you trust your heart, you trust yourself and honesty prevails.

In love, honour and courage, be who you want to be. xx