Living in the NOW!

You make me feel like i'm living a teenage dream, a fairytale of wonders in my own new world order.

It's infectious.

It's ruthless.

It's definitely not a game. 

It has an unknown ending; one we cannot tame.

It's interesting, you know, feeling the way i do about a certain someone who has come into my life gracefully unexpectedly and completely out of nowhere. Has everything in my life changed for the better, or could it be for the worse? 

Tonight I'm exhausted, although i did have a lovely afternoon, i'm sitting here typing away on my laptop, switching between Facebook and this blog, teary eyed, straining to keep my mind actively positive. It was definitely a sunday i wish would happen every sunday, minus the morning work. I have two exams tomorrow, one for the morning, and one for the afternoon. One of my assignments is due by midnight tonight, and it's very unlike me to not have even started it. Wait i wrote my name, student ID and completed the heading, does that count? Does it cross my mind that this lack of motivation is completely unacceptable? Does it bother me? Well yes, but at the moment i just want to pass. Quite frankly a high distinction for the subject means nothing anymore, not like it did in week 1. The subject literally bores the crap out of me and i can't wait for it to be over and done with. Fin. Through high school i thought university was all about 'what you wanted to do' and 'what you wanted to achieve with your life', not being made to do a subject just so the university can pat itself on the back and say 'look what our graduates graduate with: a certain set of skills and outcomes unlike any other university graduate.' Mmm hmm.

I'm back to the drawing board. No savings, my hard earned money, gone. $360 fine for not displaying my p-plates and going 110km's in a 90 zone before the gate way bridge ("is there any reason your speeding?" he said. "No... it's a highway...?" "hm" he snarled.) Lucky for me my man was in the car and i stayed calm, i mean, when do i get pulled over by police? I didn't know what to expect. I felt like a little kid at school who was in trouble for eating in class or something. Now if i didn't sell my soundwave ticket i wouldn't be down $360, i wouldn't have gone on a Brisbane river cruise and gotten sick and i wouldn't have spent quality time with a great person. Okay well the soundwave ticket thing is all well and good in hindsight, but do i regret spending quality time with a person that makes me smile all day? Hell no. 

The last 14 days have opened my eyes to new possibilities, new adventures and new landscapes. A change of scenery is in order, yet it's going to have to be later, rather than sooner (contradictory to the norm). It's like a whole new emotion, tingling, something i haven't felt in a long time. It's not the usual 'he's cute' business that's only natural, it's something more. My motivation has taken on a whole new level. I want to get out and see the world, travel, explore and do what i love. I wish i had more motivation to study for these exams, finish and upload my assignment and get good grades yet it's just not there. Not for this anyway. I've got the motivation to be on Facebook, still, get up off this chair and make vegemite toast, chat to friends, write poetry, hell i've got motivation writing my blog but i look at this uni stuff and go blah, oh how I can't wait till tomorrow afternoon. Done and dusted. That vegemite tasted good. 

So lets be honest, i think just don't fight it, if you don't know what it is, however it's hard to let your mind stop. I don't want to resist the feelings (the feelings you feel, when you want to keep feeling it) but do i let myself fall or continue to hold myself back and just stand at the edge of the plane anticipating the jump? Do i simply fall out the side and let myself go, awaiting the sudden stop where the parachute is released, and i'm not free falling anymore, just cruising and experiencing the cool breeze on my face? Enjoy it for what it is? There's a breaking point, do i set myself up for the fall and reflect on the roller coaster i experience along the way, or end it now? To jump, or not to jump? What would you do? 

Your life is what you wish it to be, if you wish it. So don't sit back and watch things happen, go out and make things happen. I'm doing it and i'm making it happen for myself. Sunscreen stops blype. Wear it. 

JP Xx 

we can tan in the moon light, 

set free across the seas, explore the world around us and use only what we need. 

i love the world around us 

and these feelings we can feel, its an experience, an adventure, one completely unexpected and surreal