I find myself sitting alone on the verandah
out in the crisp air with only the moonlight, to help brighten up this night. I
don’t know what to believe anymore; except for that I know what I am doing is
right. I find myself in a deep, dark place contemplating as my fingers hover
above the keyboard keys, each shake tingling my hands as if controlled by a
master musician, a puppeteer on string, crafting this clever plan, misguiding
me and allowing me to fall deeper in this hole. If only I had no emotion. Give me
a blank slate and spare me from your pretentious tidings. Show me what I mean
to you and be the person I know you can be because I’ve seen it. I’m tired of
silly games; late night text messaging and facebook poke after facebook poke. I
was here and am here but for what? You know, I ask myself this question each
evening before I close my eyes to sleep. How frustrating it is, when all you
want to do is hear from the one person who knows they will make you smile if
they text and say ‘I care’, yet you never get the memo. You always seem to hear
from everyone else, or past interests/flings, ex partners, old friends and
never the person you’d most like to hear from. If only they knew the power one
simple message could do. I’m glad I’m not at home although I am missing my mum
and my beautiful dog, oh and of course not to forget a few of my best girl
friends. There’s been many a struggles I’ve endured and through thick and thin
they’ve shown me the respect and decency, offered their honest opinion (whether
I like it or not) and been there with open arms for comfort. I’m a big girl and
I can handle it when I make the wrong choices and steer down the wrong
path. Right now, I wish I could turn off
my emotions and turn off my mind. Im not in my own bed and my own space but im
in another city with the same old tired and weary face. I feel like I’ve wasted
my time in supporting a friend I really care about. Why do I care so much when
I’m not offered any kind of support myself, or even a phone call or text
message yet I hear how they’re doing from somebody else. Quite frankly, I’d
rather have not known.
Shrug it off cos’ shit aint worth it. I
need to sleep. These late nights are doing my head in. The headaches are
continuing and the bruises slowly fading.
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