I wish

I wish I was

I wish I were

To build a new

Replace the old

I wish I was

I wish to learn

Asking for but thanks in return

A protégé, a fancy dancer

I wish I was

I wish I were

I wish the world would fall apart

Leaving Nothing around

I wish to start over

I wish I were a fresh bud sown in the spring.

I wish. 

There definitely comes a time in your life when you realise what you want and what you deserve can be two completely different things. A lot of my past experiences have influenced who i am today and shown me what i do and then definitely dont want in life, especially when it comes to relationships. I am far from perfect, and although i am quite happy with a lot of aspects in my life, there is room for improvement in the others. I am trying my best to be positive and take each day as it comes, yet sometimes days can be harder than others. It is hard sometimes to pick yourself up when you feel down. To breakyour thought patterns and be careful not to over analyse and over think things.Also, when you have been hurt in the past or know you did something that hurt someone else at the time, and you catch yourself about to make the same choice.

I know my family and friends accept me for who i am and understand i need my personal space, but sometimes its more comforting and settling to the mind and emotions to be arou

nd people that lo

ve 

and appreciate you, instead of being alone. 

I usually am a positiveperson who is full of joy and love for life. I guess i enjoy coversation and laughter, and made to feel important in other peoples lives especially with your partner. I find sometimes i say something and get excited about things but the excitment isnt reciprocated. Maybe what i say just isnt that interesting... i mean, maybe im just used to people being a lot more outgoing and excited by my ideas rather than complacent and reserved. 

I think my heart just skipped a beat

Against all odds and against all obstacles, i will strive for a better future for myself.

All we need is a great big imagination, and a few little dreams, a few little goals, someone to love, something to look forward to and a little faith in ourselves that we can do anything, no matter how long it takes to get there. A bit of sunshine, a nice wine, friends that stick by you and keep in contact no matter the road you turn how far away or near you are, a little adventure, a little sacrifice and to compromise - but not so much so that we compromise who we are as a person but so, so that we learn and grow together. Remember to have a little time to unwind, seek the thoughts of the great thinkers to help guide us through their knowledge and wisdom of human life learnt before us, cherish our families, eat chocolate and seek peace and love through all eternity. Think ahead of the times but don't rush through life jumping from one thing to the next, have gratitude and be satisfied, not always wanting for bigger and better things but be satisfied with what you have worked for. Sit back and smell the roses, because experience builds character and you can't take your porsche or your leather lounges with you when you go. Take words of old friends with a grain of salt and listen to your elders, including your mother, because she's right.

Lord Byron once said "for i love not man the less, but nature more."I love the earth and everything the earth brings to us. Our world is a beautiful planet and the people on it more amazing so. I love taking my dog to the park and standing by the river and just looking out over the water and wondering what lies beneath. So much mystery and bull sharks of course. I love taking a stroll through the bush and looking at the trees, plants and flowers and appreciating there natural beauty. I always watch for snakes or birds hoping i'll see something in its own natural environment. Science is a beautiful thing and on my last flight to Rockhampton i picked up a cosmos magazine and i've found such delight in reading up on different things it has to offer. I think i'll have to subscribe to this magazine! Especially when i sit alone in the house in Rocky whilst my boyfriend works, i exercise, stretch and read about science or philosophy. I think this time i need to take some more reading material, and especially take my new laptop.

You know come to think of it i don't think i have the willpower and determination to put my time and energy into my book. Although my story is yearning to be told, deep inside of me, i feel now isn't the right time. I just believe i need a few months to clear my head and leave it for a while. The mass project has begun and the story burns deep within my soul, like flames of a burning fireplace.

I think my heart just skipped a beat. Until the stars fall, JP xx

Follow your dreams.

OR you will spend the rest of your life working for someone who did.

The very first day of December is here and Christmas is just around the corner. I haven't begun christmas shopping yet, however, there are so many different things to buy people but i don't want to get my family and friends just 'anything' i'd like to get them something special and unique to them that they want. Today is such a beautiful day, so beautiful, like diamonds in the sky. I am shining bright and living a happier, healthier life. The sun is shining and although the heat is making me feel tired and lethargic, im enjoying my saturday watching House Husbands and relaxing after a night out last night. I went to the bakery and bought my usual toasted ciabatta with egg, cheese and tomato (a little naughty and not too healthy) but it was breakfast! Since then i've been guzzling down the water and it looks like ill be doing my coconut detox tomorrow too. I've just begun taking my contraceptive pill again, hoping that it will help regulate my body and help with my skin. I've been back on it for a week and am feeling sluggish and bloated but hopefully it will pass soon and i can settle into a normal routine, without feeling excessively bigger than what i am. I bought a little something for a few special people in my life and hope they like their little gifts. You know, i love surprises and when i walked up the street a few days earlier and to my delight one of my neighbours has planted about 16 sunflowers of which 5 were blooming open and facing the sun. Today, they are all open and what a site to see. I absolutely love sunflowers, with their big bright faces constantly turning to face where the sun is shining down its beautiful rays. For those who know me, this would draw the biggest of smiles across my face, as sunflowers remind me to be positive. In a world of 'busy' with things constantly on the move, it's nice to stand still for a moment and enjoy something that makes you smile so much. Lately, i've been stretching more and doing yoga for myself (especially when in Rockhampton). I am yet to find a yoga class i enjoy up there also, however, i really enjoy spending the days to myself and doing my own thing, clearing my head and pruning it of negative thought processes. A session of yoga helps me to regain my focus as it's often hard to slow down your mind. I like to meditate for about 15 minutes afterward to truly relax and gain composure of myself and let myself go in my surroundings.

Today is the first day to following my dreams. I dream to live a life of love, happiness and joy as i move through the different stages of my being and learn more about myself and my development cognitively, biologically and psychosocially. During my second semester of university last year i was fortunate enough to study 'Developmental Psychology.' This was my favourite subject of my degree, bypassing even my second favourite subject 'Cultural and Ethical Values' - where we studied philosophy and the great thinkers from ancient to modern times. Developmental psychology taught me about human development from 'womb' to 'tomb' and opened up my eyes, my mind and my soul to why i am the person i am today. From my upbringing through childhood, the way i was parented and through the different child attachments i had, and of course the 'nature' vs 'nurture' debate this subject gave me a clearer view on why i react the way i do to certain things and the reasons i am who i am. If there was one subject i believe all children should study in high school to a certain extent it is 'Developmental Psychology.' Although my degree is finished, i haven't learnt the skills nor do i have the knowledge needed to continue down the path i wish to follow. Therefore, in the new year i will begin to study once more. Subjects such as emotional intelligence will be on the agenda for outside of class time, but in terms of a degree i am looking into a Bachelor of Health Sciences (naturopathy) with the Endeavour College of Natural Health. Naturopathy is something i have wanted to study for a long time and whilst studying this i can also learn massage and remedial massage as it's all part of the bodies natural healing processes. Already from my dancing and what i learnt in my short period studying massage for two and half weeks i learnt that this is something i very much so want to do. I can see myself in 5 years being an accredited Naturopath and Massage Therapist embarking on starting my own business to help others heal. Human beings always dream and yearn for something more. I've still got a lot of researching, phone calls and visits to make regarding my degree and when i will be studying .
The new year has a lot of exciting opportunities and i cannot wait to see where my relationship takes me. Although his family is from Gympie and mine from the Gold Coast, we can work it out and that we will. When i met him, i didn't realise how important he would be to me, and quite frankly i was scared of being in a relationship because meeting him was completely unexpected and out of the blue and with everything going on with me internally i wasn't ready for it. Nevertheless they say things happen for a reason and when your ex says 'you'll never find anyone like me' you respond with 'that's the point.' Human beings need to share their lives with someone who is supportive and believes in you no matter what. They listen to you and take notice to how you are feeling and want to talk and share things with you. It gets a little hard sometimes because i'm never completely settled whilst i'm in Rocky but life is a little unsettling at the best of times.

I still can't get over the fact its december already. Im off to enjoy the peace and serenity of an afternoon kip. Until the stars fall or the end of the world is near, JP x

A Happy, Healthier Me

Always putting my positivity forward, i've come to realise there are better ways to live a happier, healthier life. Put simply, i haven't been trying to do anything exceptionally different and it's been so easy. I've been doing the tried and true steps towards living a fulfilling and happier life such as drinking plenty of water, soaking up the sunshine and allowing my body to receive the vitamin D it needs, reading a little more, eating fruit, exercising at least 30minutes a day and stretching. Although these are simple steps and what i've been doing regularly, most of all i've learnt how to relax and enjoy the company of ones self. Throughout my life i've always been busy doing one thing or the other, going here there and everywhere, and not giving myself sufficient time to relax and let my mind slow down and really be aware of my thoughts. I danced for 12 years doing ballet, jazz, tap, contemporary, modern and pointe. I attended dance classes 5 or 6 days a week and competed in eisteddfods each weekend. I studied and kept up to date with my schoolwork completing homework and working on assignments till late at night or in between my dance classes whilst chowing down some Hungry Jacks (yes, even though we were dancers, we weren't always the healthiest, but mostly, we were.) At about 15 years old i lessened the amount of dance classes i attended and turned my focus onto my school work. I changed schools and left Helensvale State High School for Coombabah State High School half way through grade 11 and didn't regret this decision ever since. I needed a change of scenery and a change of people to surround myself with. As school was finishing up, I lessened dancing once more and discontinued ballet and jazz classes, instead replacing them with Modern Jive partner dancing classes, and spent my week of Schoolies 2006 dancing and enjoying learning everything i could about partner dancing, dreaming of competing in the Modern Jive dance championships. After four weeks off from year 12 i began studying a full time degree at Bond University here on the Gold Coast. I completed four semesters but during my second semester studying i was hit with Influenza A, which made it's nasty way into my tonsils and stayed there ever since giving me Chronic Tonsillitis for 2 years. A strain of Glandular Fever also made its way into my bloodstream and i became exhausted and fatigued and could no longer focus on studying. I thought i wanted to be in the film industry and i thought studying a Bachelor of Film and Television would be everything i dreamed it would be. Instead, studying film took the passion and love i had for it out of me and replaced it with hatred. I couldn't stand anything to do with film and photography and i didn't want anything to do with it, i found it was a mere hobby. I met a lot of amazing people through that time at Bond and it taught me a lot about myself and the person i wanted to become.

After deferring from my degree i decided i needed some life experience and to take a break from studying because it seemed it was all i did, so I applied for a job at Seaworld as a Ride Attendant, and later began filming the dolphin and seal swim adventure programs, taking photos of guests hand feeding stingrays, cleaning and conducting resort tours as a guide. It was definitely an experience unlike any other, and never did i once think that my uniform everyday would consist of board shorts and a rash vest and i would be immersed in water surround by a dolphin or two with a camera in my hand. A handful of my friends finished their film degrees and struggled to get jobs where they wanted to be, and here i was with a camera in my hand filming everyday as a job. It was truly an amazing experience and i'll always remember the people that touched my life whilst i was there and helped me through some sad times. It pained me to find out someone i thought very highly of ended his own life last year who i met during my time there. He really touched me and helped me out through a variety of situations and circumstances, offering advice and a hug and to say everything would be okay, and it saddened me to hear the news because i didn't see the pain he was going through himself. R.I.P Decka, you were always so strong. I'm always thinking of you mate. As i've said earlier, grief is like the ocean, its bigger and deeper than all of us and sometimes you just don't realise how deep of a hole someone has dug into their own mind, when that is their only way out.

After a few years at Seaworld and a conversation with my half brother Israel, who made me realise it wasn't too late to finish my degree i went back to Bond, changed my degree to an Arts Degree majoring in Film and Television and completed it within the year, graduating in February 2012. Whilst completing my degree i dabbled in different subject areas such as Journalism, Business, Psychology, Technology and Human Biology to get a real feel for what i wanted to do the next year. Slowly too my health plummeted until finally i succumbed to an awful viral infection and Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome which some doctors referred to as Chronic Fatigue. I couldn't attend my graduation because it was impossible for me to get up off the couch for more than half an hour without aching so much i had to go back to sleep or at least lay down again. Nevertheless, Bond posted out my certificate in the mail and i raised a glass to myself and said 'woo hoo.' In February this year I begun a Certificate of Swedish Massage, but had to drop out of it within two and a half weeks because it was impossible to get up out of bed and make it out the door without wanting to fall asleep. I lacked the energy i needed to live out a normal day. As a last hope of getting better after weeks of no improvement, i booked into a Naturopath and bought my mum for moral support. During my consultation tears fell down my cheeks as i felt at wits end for losing so much energy and motivation for general daily activities let alone my massage course and dancing. It was such a shock to me, and my mind to go from being so incredibly busy with always something to do, to not being able to complete a simple task like make a sandwich without being in pain. My body ached, and my mind yearned to learn and seeked the knowledge to get better. Basically, i needed to rest, and i needed to get my immune system fighting because it didn't want to fight anymore. I had to drop out of my massage course, drop any kind of studying i wanted to do, drop dancing and not go anywhere or do anything fun. I had to rest. I pushed away my friends and family and became quite reserved and secluded. After 7 months of naturopathic consultations and rest i finally became better and now it feels like that part of my life is just a page of history that i would like not to repeat itself. I feel as though my year only began in August as i turned 23 years of age and met my wonderful boyfriend in Rockhampton of all places. I feel we found love in a hopeless place.

The past few months i have still struggled to keep a positive outlook on my future as the stresses and struggles of everyday life and others putting their pressure onto you can get you down, however, i feel if i take each day as it comes and open up my heart and my mind to new experiences, things will fall into place. Sometimes you get lucky and the universe delivers the perfect solution. For me, i feel my heart and soul yearn for something more. They yearn for peace and knowledge. After being so unwell i feel a lot of people in this life take their health for granted, and take for granted what the world has given us to enjoy in return. Not only beautiful places, animals, herbs, plants, vitamins and minerals to keep us healthy and active, but beautiful people also. You just need to pick off the thorns and you'll reach a rose eventually. The past few months i've established some beautiful friendships with people i don't know how i ever lived without. I've also come to terms with the fact that some people will never change and only want to get in contact with you when they need your support, or a shoulder to cry on, or some advice. Well, frankly, i don't care anymore and i'm doing some pruning of my own. This christmas has a lot of wonders in store, but as long as i'm surrounded by my family that's all that matters. I have no plans for christmas, and no plans for New Years, but considering the vast change of energies about to occur and the lining of the stars and planets i'd like to do something big. Last new years was a write off as i began to get sick, vomited and was in bed by 10:30pm whilst the rest of my family celebrated the fireworks at Federation Square in Melbourne. Nevertheless, i would love a new years kiss to bring in 2013 and start the year of with love, passion and excitement. I have a big year ahead and with only a few weeks to christmas theres a lot of research and planning i need to do. One things for sure, a happier, healthier me is here and here to stay, for good.

Until the stars fall, peace and love for all eternity,

JP xx

PS: i love you

Just me, it's all i can be.

The alternative is to think backwards and that's just remembering. Life can get a little messy at the best of times, yet that's what living is. For someone who was struggling to get out of bed for months on end to face the day, this girl you see above is feeling pretty damn good about things and will happily jump out of bed to face the day as long as it's after 9am (we all need our beauty sleep). Its the first day of November and in another week i'll be jet setting back to Rockhampton to see my wonderful boyfriend and two beautiful friends of mine whom i feel so grateful are finally in my life. Isn't it funny how we go through so many stages in our lives of friends coming and going, jobs, relationships and what not and then you finally become friends with someone and it makes you wonder how you ever lived without them. This is how i feel about a special girlfriend of mine. Like two peas in a pod we seem to just fit together. It's nice to meet someone who is so supportive and appreciative who just gets you, with one look or statement they know instantly what you are thinking, whats wrong and what you need to do about it... Or sit up and chat with you no matter what day it is and just have a massive d&m filled evening hosted by a bunch of giggles. Secondly, i feel so grateful to have met my boyfriend up in Rockhampton, for now he is the only reason i need to be up there. He is so supportive of who i am and makes me feel like i can do or say anything and its okay to just be me. Im really missing him at the moment but the time apart does go quickly, and it helps me appreciate the time i do get to spend with him. Although i am so very slack in the blogging department (which i do apologise for) things will improve when i buy an internet stick so i can write and work on things up in Rockhampton instead of watching Underbelly and Big Bang Theory (i really do need to be a little more productive). It's just that sometimes its nice to take a break from things and really leave my mind open to new trains of thoughts and possible changes in thought patterns without writing them down. I might feel a certain way one minute, then half an hour later when i've really thought about it i change my mind. Ridonkulous! Thoughts are a little ridonkulous sometimes. You know when you have a simple thought about something, then you think 'shit, why did i even think that, gee i'm a loser'? I don't believe our thoughts follow any particular patterns and i wonder at times how certain thoughts even get into my brain! Nevertheless, at least they keep us on our toes and keep our minds entertained. One man band BOOM.

You know, so many people i know have a plan of what their lives should be like or will be like if 'such and such happens' or what they would do 'if this happened,' i just feel i shouldn't have a definitive plan right now, but take each day as it comes. I have absolutely no idea what i'm going to do next year and as much as i've racked my brain and wished more than once that i knew what i wanted to do with myself, all i know is, i want to be healthy and happy with who i am as a person and continue to cultivate the amazing friendships i have and grow in my relationship. Now i don't think that's too much to ask. The first step? My coconut detox 48hr cleanse. Mission accepted!

Until the stars fall,

JP xx

A little late posting but here nonetheless

Thursday 13^th September 2012

“If you like it then you should have put a ring on it” Well it’s just one of those days with plenty of sunshine to help clear the mind. I’m sitting outside alone, but not lonely, soaking up the warmth of the sunshine with only a pink and black g-string to cover. I’ve lathered my body up in sunscreen and wearing my maui jim sunnies to protect the little freckle below my eye lid. I’m set up on two deck chairs and listening to Girl Talk ‘All DAY’ album. I love how music reminds you of certain people in your life you’ve met and this album brings me back to spending time in the surf, sex and sun of Byron Bay. So last night had an interesting turn of events. After landing in Rockhampton for perhaps the 5^th time (honestly i can’t remember now) I was so excited to just drop my bags off, have my nails redone at Top Spa and Nail at Stocklands and head back to the house so I could get ready for my dinner date at Nandos. How good is Nandos, I love chicken. “Chicken wing, chicken wing, pizza and bologna, chicken and macaroni chillin’ with my homies” would chime my 9-year-old cousin at the sound of me saying ‘chicken.’ Gosh I miss her so much. She is like the little sister I never had and seeing her makes my heart melt, I love her to pieces.

Today finds my thoughts tracing through a soul vacation – Like Trains Drops of Jupiter song It feels like I “sailed across the sun and made it to the milky way.” The wind sweeps us off our feet in all sorts of directions and today showed me that last night was everything I was looking for because when you have that feeling of contentment and that things fall together creating their own little puzzle, it’s just nice. Now this isn’t about the places I’ve been to or where I’ve gone, it’s about you and you know, the best of my friends always being there for me, even though I don’t necessarily see them. Also my family providing the support needed for my decisions and then there’s me dancing along the footpath singing a lullaby and sipping a soy latte, but falling back to you. Although I know my mum is going to miss me whilst I’m here in Rockhampton, and worries about me being sick all the time, I know that everything will be okay. It’s taking its time but with a little patience, things will look up and they are. Out of the ups and downs and wondering if I’m lost or found, the anxiety attacks, asthma, not feeling comfortable in social situations or walking around a shopping centre along with the feelings of self consciousness I’ve felt the past few months all under an umbrella of insecurity there is always a positive side. Things always turn back around and hope shines through. I know that I’ve been depressed for a few months with outside stimuli influencing the way I feel it almost felt out of my control and most of it was which my ex boyfriend actually helped me make myself more aware of this. Just one message he sent me which stated what he’d been through and how a lot of it was out of his control, I realized I was in the same boat. It seems we go through life and put up a fight with ourselves and deny certain ways we are feeling, suppressing certain emotions depending on the people we surround ourselves with, because we don’t want to look weak and vulnerable. In these situations we have to remember that we aren’t the only ones feeling this way and at some point in their life they’ve probably been through the same thing or maybe have been worse off than you. Everyone needs a little respect and a little time and sometimes, the day just doesn’t go in your favour but we have all been there.

Today is a different story. It’s better and things are going to work somehow. There’s someone on the gold coast I used to really care about but all the more I thought about it I realized it really wasn’t worth thinking about and although I lost my nerve and lost my way with it all last year, I have learnt so much about who I am, what I want and what I deserve which will happen in it’s own time. We always strive for something more but this was different and there’s nothing left for me to say except that I want him to be happy. I sent him a message not long ago that I didn’t want him to reply to that simply said I really missed him, although we had a good conversation on the phone Monday as I wished him a happy birthday I feel so content with my decision and his new beginning and I’m ready to accept my new journey (whatever that is and wherever it takes me).

Up here in Rocky I have met a really lovely person whom I find so easy and comfortable to be around. The conversation tends to pick up where it left off, I smile constantly, can be a little shy and then I have the most dorky nervous giggle that gets me through. I’m a little apprehensive about meeting someone new but when it’s so easy and feels the way it does there’s definitely no ignoring it. He really took care of me last night, which my mum was so thankful for considering I broke down and had an anxiety attack and she’s on the Gold Coast unable to do much but offer her thoughts. I managed to get some sleep although I was a little restless I just felt worse for him because he had to get up and go to work early this morning. I’m really looking forward to spending the weekend in Yeppoon with him next weekend by the beach. It’s like a mini holiday on my short holiday. At the time being we are just focusing on our friendship and ourselves but as they say one thing leads to another and you know what I like kissing him like you kiss before you have sex.

Until the stars fall!

Jodie Pamela (JP) xx