A simple rant

Sometimes even the best laid plans fall apart so i'm taking each day as it comes and enjoying having a break and you know what, every now and then you get lucky and the universe delivers the perfect solution.


For now, this i promise to myself.In the busyness of life i promise to slow down... Live in the moment. Breathe. Kick my heels up. Remember my dreams. Smile. Eat chocolate and let it melt in my mouth slowly. Dance in the moon light and look up to the stars. Love with all of my heart. Be true to myself. Meditate...think only health and happiness. Laugh out loud. Let no one break my spirit.
BELIEVE everything is possible and never, ever give up. ♥♥

Well after a splendid day of drinking champagne and dancing on the table (okay next to the table) i'm sitting here on my bed looking at the paintings on my wall i have recently hung and wondering what's missing. I contemplate for a moment pulling everything down and starting again. Hmm.. no thats not a good idea at all, because although my room doesn't quite have the finished coherence just yet, i like it as it is. It describes my personality and how i'm feeling to a tee right now. Nothing quite like the feeling of an all over the place 'up in the air' type of look where things aren't gelling together. I have a silvery metallic bedspread with a black flower design over it, photographs of sunflowers, dream catchers large and small, a medium sized mirror on my wall with a small bird etching. Theres a banner that dangles lightly from the ceiling with seven pictures of the crescent moon designs falling in sections below it, made in Indonesia. Below the banner i have hung a few of the paintings i've painted recently. To be honest, i have no idea if they are good or not, however, i've received some great compliments so far, i guess i need an expert opinion. I have two vases with flowers in them, teddy bears from the 'me to you' teddy bear collection sitting on my dresser, along with candles, framed photographs and bracelets. A small trinket box with an elephant handcrafted on the top from my best friend from Bali sits next to my Vera Wang Rock Princess perfume, of which i have just added the Calvin Klein Euphoria, Eternity Moments (my three favourites for this month). There is a beautifully handwoven lamp that sits in the corner with a simple banner above it - the definition of wisdom written over it with a purple background. Wisdom: knowledge, intuition and experience combine to guide us in thought and deed. Slowly i've been redecorating my room to make it feel more homely. I bought a black and white shaggy rug to sit on the floor next to my bed, but since it was a cheaper rug i bought from K mart, the dye from the rug seeps through onto the carpet as the damp rises from the surface beneath. Unlucky. I'm going to give the rug away and purchase one with a backing underneath. Anyway, my room  denotes a sense of soul searching. As each day passes i look in the mirror and say to myself 'one day at a time.' I'm expecting nothing and appreciating everything. In terms of what i have in this world, how lucky i am to have grown up and achieved what i have. How lucky and grateful i am to have a family that cares for me how they do, even though we don't always show it, i believe we are always in each others thoughts. I've dealt through my own battles and difficult decisions with their own negative repercussions, ones you just move forward from but never forget. I've made my way through a field of sunflowers, arms open wide looking into the sun with positivity, admiration and dedication to achieve my goals. I've also set myself up for failure and deliberately ruined things on purpose. I've broken a heart or two and had my heart broken, and passed up opportunities to be a better person and let it fly right by me, but all of these things i've done have made me who i am today and i won't sit there and tell someone i don't like myself, and that im not proud of me. There are things i look back on in my life and say to myself 'well, i shouldn't have done that, and who knows what could have happened if this went this way and blah blah blah.' We cannot live our lives in a world of if's, buts and maybes, but we can look back on what we did and how we reacted to those situations we were thrown into and make a conscious decision not to make the same mistake again, walk down a new road, take the next train, slow down, breathe and for gods sake drink some rum and not give a dam. 

I believe that we live in such a fast paced world, its like we don't know how to relax, but if you relax too much, you are lazy and unmotivated, if you work and run yourself ragged you don't take care of yourself enough. We can't win, yet i believe if you are happy to simply sit there and watch the world go by then so what. If you are happy to throw yourself into your work (for i don't know why!). Enjoy it. Life is long if we know how to use it, and instead of one day's, tomorrow's and next year, start today, doing what you want and take control of your own life because at the end of the day no one gives a shit what happens to you, how much money you have, what you are wearing, where you live and how many facebook friends you have. No one cares. And if you want to take photos of yourself and upload them on your instagram or facebook because you kind of like the way you look and think its a nice photo, then go ahead and do it. If i want to wake up tomorrow, go to the gym, walk my dog and get a tattoo i will because it's my life and the people who want to be in your life, will be. This year has shown me the true side to how people act and live. Why we do what we do, for reasons sometimes i still don't understand but its all a learning curve. 

DO NOT chase people, just be you and do your OWN thing. Work hard or don't work at all. The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay. 

I am off to drink some camomile tea, light some candles, and get working on my book. Until the stars fall, sleep tight, and if you're woken through the night it's just an angel passing by...

xx

A little bit of creating

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

Well, in exactly 3 days i will be another year older. 23 and still going strong. Im feeling a sense of fulfilment with who i am as a person, as i understand more about myself. Why i say the things i do and basically do what i do. With regard to certain aspects of my life i sort of find myself turning over a new leaf, in leaps and bounds might i add, and then when it comes to other parts of my life i'm moving in circles - not forward or backward. No matter how hard i try, i seem to be a little stuck, and i find myself wanting to get in contact with someone i've lost along the way. What the hell, its an okay place to be for now and i find that this feeling of wanting to see the person again is another time in my life where i have yet another chance to grow. I feel no matter what happens to us, where we have been or where we end up we always have a chance to grow. I take it many of you will understand, and agree when i say "life is hard, but so very beautiful."


Sadly, my best friend died on Thursday and i feel so hurt and alone at times. When a pet you have grown up with so closely dies and you aren't there to be there for her when the unfortunate happens, you feel horrible. I felt horrible. She was my girl. She knew when i wasn't okay with one simple look towards me and would comfort me whilst i was sad. She knew all of my secrets, and how i truly felt about a lot of people who have walked in and out of my life. She knew change and growth, saw my heartache and felt my love. I wrote on facebook, "i never feared the unexpected until i found myself in this peculiar place." She died and i wasn't there for her and all i have now is the memories. Death is a peculiar thing. When someone close to you dies, you do feel sad. Grief is like the ocean, is bigger and deeper than all of us. I dearly miss my Tango, with all my heart and soul, she was my best friend through and through and now only a tale to be told. E.E. Cummings strikes a chord in my heart: "I carry her heart with me, i carry it in my heart."


                                                               R.I.P. Tango 2/8/2012

I'd like to reach out and speak openly.. and honestly to a person who walked into my life and is no longer.  We don't speak often, yet his name drifts in and out of my mind often. Its like theres never any closure. I don't care how cliche that sounds. Acceptance has been my strength in moving forward from finding love in a hopeless place. In the scheme of life, Bukowski wasn't so far off in his views of reality. His writing was dirty, to the point and without fifty shades of grey. People who defame him and belittle his writing, don't get it. They don't get him. What makes one persons view of the world any more important, or any less important i should say than another? Everyone comes into the world and leaves their own mark whether it be through their art, the business they do, their creativity or writing and not to forget, through music. An instrumental musical piece speaks more to me than a simple quote on a page, but poetry and writing no matter what it is, no ones view of the world is any better than anyone elses. We all have a story to tell. I could tell you the wildest of tales but thats for my novel. They say we should take some secrets to the grave but whats the fun in that? Secrets come out sooner or later. These ones, will hit you like a freight train. A young girl whom finds herself crawling out of a bitter world of pretentious sarcasm. Well, beauty is only skin deep but UGLY goes clean to the bone. Better watch out boys and girls because you are in for a real treat;-) Those who read my story will find it quite humorous, entertaining, shocking and simply killer. Killer heels! 


Since i've been home from Rocky ive been getting into my writing a lot more, trying to be creative painting - thats definitely a learning curve! and focusing on myself. I find i still haven't reached to where i want to be but i don't feel im going backwards. Im drinking camomile and rosehip tea, taking my protein and focusing on eating well, sleeping, and doing my exercise. I cannot believe another year has almost passed by and im still not 100% however, there must be some kind of improvement if im not needed to sleep during the day as much anymore, and weight training at the gym. Minimal weight training mindst you but im lifting weight none the less. 


The more i meet people, i understand why Bukowski liked them, but preferred not to be around them. I've formed some amazing friendships the past few weeks with girls i just want to get to know more and more. I love meeting new people when they are on the same level as you. People that just get it. I've met a few interesting people the past few weeks who have inspired me to be a better person than who i already am. To focus more on what i want and would like to achieve with my life. One bombshell bambina in particular has made me realise it's okay to be me and like the things i do, and has inspired me to be a little more selfish and get out there and do what i want, not wait around for things to happen. SO i am going to focus on my journey to be healthy eating nutritious meals with this little voice in the back of my mind that says "drink a glass of water" everytime i say "im hungry". Thank you miss Rose, i missed our sexie coffee this morning, however, i will be seeing you in the near future. I am also going to put a portfolio together and try out some new things. I will paint, and i will get better.  I'll write, because its what i love to do. I'll stretch, because when im in doubt, yoga makes sense. 


Be a little more selfish, a little more courageous, show a little more determination and things will fall into place. Wisdom is a little bit of knowledge and intuition created through experience, and is always their to guide us, but its okay to need a little help sometimes. Until the stars fall, JP xx

Create some warmth this season

I often find myself in this peculiar space. Everybody out there works so hard, and they believe in me. It's about time i start believing in myself. Your mind is a crazy part of you, and you try really hard the whole time and when you do, you have nothing to feel ashamed of. Anyway, at times its hard to comprehend and make sense of the thoughts going through your head. At the moment my head is full of stories galore, awaiting to make their debut in the novel i've begun writing - and what a story it will be. It all begins, slowly but surely, and with persistence, patience, dedication and motivation the novel will slowly begin to shape itself. What an exciting journey it will be. I cannot wait to delve deep into the minds of my characters (their wants and needs) and take them on a variety of journeys. Its definitely going to be a process but i figure whilst i'm unemployed and looking for work i might as well focus on writing.

Well, for anyone that read my previous post you would have seen i was off to Rockhampton for something a little different. Well, i met some interesting folk thats for sure and was beeped at everyday walking to the chemist or down the street to coles. For some reason those rocky folk just tend to honk their horns at you. Nevertheless it was pretty awesome to just go somewhere different for a while and have some 'me' time. There was a certain someone i missed very much and couldn't wait till sunday came around to get back and see him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Theres not to much to write about at the moment except for i'm finally getting better. My immune system is kicking into action and my vitamins are helping. I take sublingual vitamin b12 3 times a day, vitamin b at breakfast and lunch, iron and a vitamin c and zinc powder, echinacea and a herbal tonic from the naturopath to help balance my hormones and balance my mood. I've noticed a difference in my mood with the st johns wort also (twice a day). It seems to relieve irritability and anxiety and calm the nerves and although im not working full time and so on, it's definitely something i need for myself. I've been eating steamed veggies every evening along with a serve of some kind of meat whether its mince or chicken or even salmon. I love my eggs and avocado of a morning and find snacking on a few brazil nuts and protein balls help give me energy during the day to. The fact im feeling better and able to get to the gym makes me feel so much better in my mood. Im feeling more positive about my life and what the future will bring.

All in all i believe that a balanced diet serves more to energise not only your body but your mind and in keeping positive people around you also helps. I'm not a perfect person but that is in the eye of the beholder and honestly, im so happy that all my decisions and actions have led me to where i am today because i like me, and thats important.

Update

Late at night, I find myself stewing over ideas in my head about which direction to go. I often think to myself "what is the point of this?" I feel like Aristotle, in the days he wrote his infamous Nicomachean Ethics, of which is ultimately to determine how best to achieve happiness. I'm constantly searching for something new and exciting to do, follow or believe in. I struggle to shut out negative thoughts whilst trying to fall asleep. When i notice a negative thought drifting in i say to myself "no, this isn't the time for this, this is my safe zone" and i imagine throwing those negative thoughts into a bag and zipping it up. May seem silly but it works. When something works, do it.

I'm craving a change of scenery, at least for a few days. After an unexpected late night phone call from someone i didn't think id hear from again, it sort of cemented the idea in my head that yes, i need a change. Therefore, Rockhampton seems like a good enough place to start and tomorrow im booking flights to Rocky and i'm going alone.

Positive affirmation #1 for Rockhampton

"i am reliant, self-confident, and full of determination and independence"

Here and Now.

Do you ever think that people come in and out of your life for a reason? Every person we meet whether its short term or long term teaches us something. It could be a mistake you've made with a person, a falling out of a friendship you never thought would have any complications, a new beginning with someone you just met or a stranger who asks you the time on a street corner. These people in our lives become apart of life's little lessons. Each lesson helps us to grow and become confident in who we are and the person we want to be. We are lead into mysterious directions at times. We are torn from our safe zone and thrown into the thick of it, like a blizzard in the dessert or a duck out of water, but when we reflect back on the choices we've made, the conversations we've had and the different interpretations of events, if we take something positive out of the experience and as long as we aim to learn something from these experiences we will become stronger and more courageous for the next lesson. We learn from our mistakes so that next time we are faced with a similar experience and a choice is to be made, hopefully, we won't make the same mistake again. It isn't as easy as 'a,b,c' but take it in steps such as 1,2,3.

We all act differently depending on the company we surround ourselves with, depending how close we are to the person or if you have just met. You know the feeling when you meet someone and you feel like you already know the person. The conversation never ends. The pieces of the puzzle begin to blend in and become one giant piece of a larger puzzle that is your life and your journey. Kind of like the boat i'm paddling in now. At the moment i'm just enjoying my newfound company and learning more about the person i am. I love me, and i'm learning more and more each day about what i love and what really ticks me off. As i get older i realise its better to have less friends that you can focus on and give the time to and vice versa, instead of trying to juggle between a large number of acquaintances. These people just see you as another number, because when its your turn to need someone because of something thats happened in your life, suddenly, no one is there. Right now i'm on one of the best journeys in my life i've ever known, an eternal quest of knowing oneself. Our lives aren't mapped out in front of us we have to take chances. Im focusing on eating well and doing what makes me happy because no one wants to be around someone who sits at home full of frown and misery. I feel my emotions and i'm aware of whats going on but even then that doesn't mean you can switch them off like a light switch. I got so fed up just before tears just fell down the sides of my cheeks. We get fed up but instead of bottling up your emotions its better to let it out because you feel so much better afterwards and its like things suddenly become more clearer. Im fed up of limping and not having any decent money with bills piling up and im fed up of menstrual issues, its no wonder i need so many iron tablets. I like to see the funny side of it but it gets me down sometimes. Not to worry though, i have a trip to the naturopath tomorrow and then hopefully heading out into the countryside for the afternoon to soak up some scenery.

To those of you unable to find what it is you really want to do with your life, don't worry so much. Turn your focus inward and look inside yourselves. When you start doing things for you instead of everyone else around you, the road becomes so much clearer.

Until the stars fall

JP xx

There's a bluebird in my heart

“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” 
― Charles Bukowski

It helps to dot your 'i's' and cross your 't's' right? Or in other words, examine and reexamine. It's kind of like when you reflect on your past and how it influences your future. Nice memories appear, and emotions resurface, a little trip down memory lane. I find it hard to believe people who don't think the past influences them, even at a subconscious level it does, we can't help it. I listen to my gut feelings about past experiences. We can't put our past behind us. Look at the stars, a lot of them have been dead for thousands of years but their light is only reaching us now. The past is always influencing the present. We can't change it, but aim to understand it, like human beings aim to understand the subtleties of their existence, its okay to examine our past and see what influences it has on our future.

As i read on facebook this morning "don't get your knickers in a knot! It solves nothing and makes you sit funny".

After listening to a few Charles Bukowski poems on youtube, i decided to watch the movie 'Barfly' written by Bukowski, about a writer Henry Chinaski, "who never cared for the American dream, the thought of needing to become 'something' and fit into the system disgusts him. He believes that life is free and yours to live like you see fit, and if that in some cases involves copious amounts of whiskey then so be it." (Excerpt from IMDB). 


I loved the movie. It's not very long, but after reading a few of Bukowskis novel his style of writing is exceptionally brought to life and the character of Chinaski fits snuggly into how i depicted the character. The film was made in 1987 on what looks to be low budget yet the characters are what make the movie. I felt i was taken on a journey on what it would be like to live poorly, like scum, like Chinaski. Although you are moved through the world through Chinaskis life, you don't feel sorry for him, because you realise he chooses to be their and is content with what he has. By the end of the film, his new found love, happiness and money is relished by Chinaski buying everyone a round in his favourite bar. If you are looking to see something a bit different, i would recommend it (that means you dad).

I love reading Charles Bukowski novels and of course his prose. Theirs a real ruthlessness to his writing. It's straight up without the bull shit or flowery words writers like to use. One of my favourite Bukowski quotes comes from his book Factotum.

"my ambition is handicapped by laziness" - Factotum Makes me think of my generation and even the generation before mine. We are those who want to work to have money, but don't want to put in the hard yards and do the hours to get the money. How very interesting. I think a lot of people in my generation are lazy and even money sometimes doesn't motivate them. Its hard when there are so many opportunities open to us that you almost get overwhelmed with what it is you really want to do. It's like dad always said though, you just do something, so i have been, and slowly im finding out more of what i like and don't like and what im interested in and what i really cannot stand. It's like a little game, just got to stand over all the players.

Until the stars fall,

JP

PS: im off to the museum to see what Ancient Egypt had to offer.