Thursday 13th September 2012
“If you like it then you should have put a
ring on it” Well it’s just one of those days with plenty of sunshine to help
clear the mind. I’m sitting outside alone, but not lonely, soaking up the
warmth of the sunshine with only a pink and black g-string to cover. I’ve
lathered my body up in sunscreen and wearing my maui jim sunnies to protect the
little freckle below my eye lid. I’m set up on two deck chairs and listening to
Girl Talk ‘All DAY’ album. I love how music reminds you of certain people in
your life you’ve met and this album brings me back to spending time in the
surf, sex and sun of Byron Bay. So last night had an interesting turn of
events. After landing in Rockhampton for perhaps the 5th time (honestly
i can’t remember now) I was so excited to just drop my bags off, have my nails
redone at Top Spa and Nail at Stocklands and head back to the house so I could
get ready for my dinner date at Nandos. How good is Nandos, I love chicken.
“Chicken wing, chicken wing, pizza and bologna, chicken and macaroni chillin’
with my homies” would chime my 9-year-old cousin at the sound of me saying
‘chicken.’ Gosh I miss her so much. She is like the little sister I never had
and seeing her makes my heart melt, I love her to pieces.
Today finds my thoughts tracing through a
soul vacation – Like Trains Drops of Jupiter song It feels like I “sailed
across the sun and made it to the milky way.” The wind sweeps us off our feet
in all sorts of directions and today showed me that last night was everything I
was looking for because when you have that feeling of contentment and that
things fall together creating their own little puzzle, it’s just nice. Now this
isn’t about the places I’ve been to or where I’ve gone, it’s about you and you
know, the best of my friends always being there for me, even though I don’t
necessarily see them. Also my family providing the support needed for my
decisions and then there’s me dancing along the footpath singing a lullaby and
sipping a soy latte, but falling back to you. Although I know my mum is going
to miss me whilst I’m here in Rockhampton, and worries about me being sick all
the time, I know that everything will be okay. It’s taking its time but with a
little patience, things will look up and they are. Out of the ups and downs and
wondering if I’m lost or found, the anxiety attacks, asthma, not feeling
comfortable in social situations or walking around a shopping centre along with
the feelings of self consciousness I’ve felt the past few months all under an
umbrella of insecurity there is always a positive side. Things always turn back
around and hope shines through. I know that I’ve been depressed for a few
months with outside stimuli influencing the way I feel it almost felt out of my
control and most of it was which my ex boyfriend actually helped me make myself
more aware of this. Just one message he sent me which stated what he’d been
through and how a lot of it was out of his control, I realized I was in the
same boat. It seems we go through life and put up a fight with ourselves and
deny certain ways we are feeling, suppressing certain emotions depending on the
people we surround ourselves with, because we don’t want to look weak and
vulnerable. In these situations we have to remember that we aren’t the only
ones feeling this way and at some point in their life they’ve probably been
through the same thing or maybe have been worse off than you. Everyone needs a
little respect and a little time and sometimes, the day just doesn’t go in your
favour but we have all been there.
Today is a different story. It’s better and
things are going to work somehow. There’s someone on the gold coast I used to
really care about but all the more I thought about it I realized it really
wasn’t worth thinking about and although I lost my nerve and lost my way with
it all last year, I have learnt so much about who I am, what I want and what I
deserve which will happen in it’s own time. We always strive for something more
but this was different and there’s nothing left for me to say except that I
want him to be happy. I sent him a message not long ago that I didn’t want him
to reply to that simply said I really missed him, although we had a good
conversation on the phone Monday as I wished him a happy birthday I feel so
content with my decision and his new beginning and I’m ready to accept my new
journey (whatever that is and wherever it takes me).
Up here in Rocky I have met a really lovely
person whom I find so easy and comfortable to be around. The conversation tends
to pick up where it left off, I smile constantly, can be a little shy and then
I have the most dorky nervous giggle that gets me through. I’m a little
apprehensive about meeting someone new but when it’s so easy and feels the way
it does there’s definitely no ignoring it. He really took care of me last
night, which my mum was so thankful for considering I broke down and had an
anxiety attack and she’s on the Gold Coast unable to do much but offer her
thoughts. I managed to get some sleep although I was a little restless I just
felt worse for him because he had to get up and go to work early this morning.
I’m really looking forward to spending the weekend in Yeppoon with him next
weekend by the beach. It’s like a mini holiday on my short holiday. At the time
being we are just focusing on our friendship and ourselves but as they say one
thing leads to another and you know what I like kissing him like you kiss
before you have sex.
Until the stars fall!
Jodie Pamela (JP) xx
